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Posted on Feb 3, 2013

Indisputable Evidence That Supercomputers Hate Us

Scientists are forever pushing the boundaries of what can be done with computers. Are they mad? Have they seen, like, no films ever?

Community Contributor

If there's one thing science fiction teaches us, it's that highly intelligent computers are a bad idea. Here's the kind of thing they get up to – scientists, we hope you're paying attention.

Supposedly hyper-intelligent ship's computer

• Goes mad.

• Kills a bunch of people.

• Sings Daisy Daisy really badly.

• Generally acts in a way that puts your laptop crashing while saving a Word doc into perspective.

Grand Canyon-based supercomputer designed by genius Richard Pryor on the back of a napkin

• Nearly kills Superman with a beam of Kryptonite.

• Becomes self-aware.

• Richard Pryor tries to kill it with an axe.

• Learns to turn people into zombie-cyborg killing machines (see pic).

• Genuinely terrifying.

Eerie childlike US military supercomputer

• Not smart enough to prevent itself getting hacked by Michael Broderick.

• Nevertheless manages massive nuclear arsenal.

• Obsessed with tic-tac-toe.

• Nearly wipes out humanity in a 'game' of thermonuclear war.

NB: Supercomputers LOVE nuclear weapons.

Manifestation of evil machine intelligence

• Enslaves humanity.

• Uses humans as some kind of weird bald fleshy batteries.

• (For some reason.)

• Possibly just has a thing about shaving people and covering them in goo.

City-sized thinking machine

• Asked to find the answer to life, the universe and everything.

• Spends millennia on the problem.

• Comes up with the entirely useless answer of 42.

• Admittedly, doesn't kill anyone.

• Still, what a time-waster.

Global digital defence network

• Wipes out most of the world with nuclear weapons (those again).

• Tries to finish the job with Austrian-accented, time-travelling cyborgs.

• A total dick, basically.

Supercomputers are creepy monsters intent on destroying or enslaving humanity (and possibly covering them in goo.)

Is this what you want, scientists? Is it?

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