1. The super-jazzy elderly person.
Gym accessories: High-waisted sweatpants, one-pound hand weights, and apparently the secret to everlasting life.
2. The person who might as well live at the gym.
Gym accessories: Workout clothes that reveal as much glistening skin as possible, the ability to bench-press you and your whole family, and a gym bag full of creatine supplements.
3. The newbie who can’t seem to figure out any of the machines.
Gym accessories: Brand-new sneakers, Bumbleflex gym clothes he paid way too much for, and (in a couple hours) a hernia.
4. The one taking REALLY LOUD PHONE CALLS on the treadmill.
Gym accessories: Earbuds with built-in microphone for SUPER-LOUD TALKING, and the ability to ignore any and all dirty looks from other gymgoers.
5. The one who’s waaaaaaaaaay sweaty.
Gym accessories: Soaking-wet clothes, a gym towel that isn’t going to help at all, and a total disregard for how slimy he leaves the machines.
6. The Yoga Army.
Gym accessories: Lululemon everything, insane core strength, and super-regular BMs.
7. The guy who skipped leg day. Every leg day.
Gym accessories: Bulging muscles north of the equator and stems that are about to break.
8. The one who think 15 minutes on the treadmill will justify the XL Peanut Butter Blast Smoothie with chocolate chips he just ordered from the smoothie bar.
Gym accessories: Dat smoothie.
9. The creeper.
Gym accessories: None. He’s there to creep. Creep urr day, creep urr night. At least until enough people complain and he gets banned.
10. The people taking selfies.
Gym accessories: A smartphone and extensive knowledge of which Instagram filter is most flattering depending on the time of day.