1. Your sleeping schedule won’t revolve around when another tiny human feels sleepy.
2. This means you can take naps without worrying a child is burning down the house while you slumber.
3. You can curse freely around your home without worrying you’re being overheard by impressionable little goblins.
4. As it turns out, adults without children are less likely to suffer from depression.
5. You won’t need to stress about your body basically exploding from the agony of childbirth.
6. Other people’s kids remain fun and cute in your eyes, because you only have to experience them in small doses.
7. If you want to have a little White Wine in the Nighttime™ you can, because you have no kids to watch after. Vive la fête!
9. Bathroom time is blissfully uninterrupted by noisy children. You could die in the bathroom if you wanted to. You have that luxury.
10. It costs $241,080 to raise a kid. Think of everything you could buy with that money.
96,432 tacos, for starters.
11. Since you’ve got more cash on hand, you can take spontaneous vacations without having to make special accommodations for your child.
13. The only tantrums you’ll have to deal with are your own fits of rage when the Seamless app crashes.
14. Your life will be blissfully free of bodily fluids that aren’t your own.
…unless that’s something you’re into, in which case, live yo’ life.
15. You can fill your home with fancy, sharp-edged furniture and not worry a toddler might bash his head on the corner of your vintage Paul McCobb coffee table.
17. You can purchase nice clothes for yourself that won’t be immediately destroyed by toxic baby barf.
18. Even if you’re poor, all you have to do is think, At least I don’t have to buy diapers right now and suddenly you feel rich beyond measure.
19. If you feel lonely, you know you don’t need a kid to fill the void. That’s what cats, dogs, and houseplants are for, and you don’t have to put a houseplant through college.
20. Since you don’t have tots of your own, you get to invest all your time in being the cool aunt or uncle.
21. You’ll never have to deal with the awkwardness of explaining puberty…
23. Speaking of sex, you get to have it wherever you want without the fear of a child walking in on you.
24. You don’t have to give up your hobbies. You can ↓→+P for the rest of your amazing, fun, childfree life.
25. Since there are no kiddos running around, you get to watch porn whenever you want!
26. It’ll be so much easier to save for a comfortable retirement. Did you know they have Wii systems in retirement homes now?
27. In your old age, you can get weird without people worrying about the burden you’re placing on your poor children.
28. Being child-free makes being an adult that much more fun!
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