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The Definitive Ranking Of Poop

It’s not the ranking we need, but the one we deserve right now.

Poop is the one thing that unites us.


Everyone poops. The young and old, the rich and the poor. But not all poop is created equal. Here are the different kinds of poop, ranked for your pleasure.

14. Lumpy Sausage Poop

Absolutely nothing special about this poop. Barely garners consideration on a poop list.

13. Spicy Fire Poop

Spicy fire poop is pretty funny after the fact, but it’s never a fun experience. At least you’ll have something to talk about at work tomorrow.

12. Tiny Hard Lumps

These score points for being adorable, but they’re not very satisfying.

11. Fluffy Mushy Chunky Poop

Basically diarrhea that won’t commit to being diarrhea, this poop is literally the worst of both worlds. Make up your mind, poop!

10. Smooth Sausage Poop

Average, healthy poop. The poop we all know and love. This poop is like a home-cooked meal or your mother’s warm embrace. Comforting and familiar.

9. Green Poop

Green poop is sort of unique and interesting, but you have to eat a lot of spinach to achieve it, and one can only eat so much spinach.

8. Pregnancy Poops

Flickr: babies411 / Creative Commons

Lots of women poop during childbirth, which sounds pretty embarrassing, but it’s pretty cool when you think about it. When your kid is a teenager and tries to talk back to you, you can be like, “Yeah, well I pooped on your head when you were a baby. Take that.”

7. Lil’ Soft Nuggets

These little blobs are sort of cute, if you’re into softies.

6. Black Poop

Black poop is the most metal poop there is. Black poop is caused by the bismuth in Pepto-Bismol, and it can also turn your tongue black, like a giraffe’s. Amazing!

5. Classic Diarrhea

It might be surprising that classic diarrhea ranks so high, but remember: Diarrhea can get you out of anything. Next time you get a speeding ticket, try using diarrhea as an excuse. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be let off with a warning.

4. Death Poop

Did you know you poop after you die? That’s hilarious.

3. Slippery Snake Poop

Smooth and soft, the slippery snake poop is mysterious and elusive. It’s the healthiest, most fibrous of poops. The only downside is that bathroom time is depressingly short.

2. Beet Poop

Beets turn your poop red. That’s badass.

1. Corn Poop

Nothing is more spectacular than corn poop. Corn poop is magical. Corn poop is a gift.

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