1. Detoxifying Dinner Salad
Grab a small handful of spinach leaves and eat them while watching a show about cupcakes on The Food Network. Your tears will season the spinach.
2. Sun-dried Tomato Surpise
Gently hold a tomato in your hands and stare at the sun until both you and the tomato shrivels up. Delicious pizza awaits you in death.
3. Low-cal Taco Party
Just a bean
When the company you work for orders tacos for lunch, limit yourself to a single pinto bean. Ask one of your co-workers who isn’t on a diet to breathe their sour cream breath on your succulent bean.
4. Tasty Chia Seed Snacks
Before going to bed, sprinkle chia seeds around your bed to keep food nightmares away. In the morning, burn your next door neighbor for being a witch. See if she has any Snickers bars in her pantry and eat as many as you can before the cops show up.
5. Sensible Milkshake Indulgence
Full Fat Whipped Cream
Blend the milk and ice cream, top with whipped cream and cherry. Give the milkshake to a neighborhood orphan and insist that they make eye contact with you while they consume it. Go home and eat steamed cauliflower in silence.
6. Cookie Party For One
Fill a picnic basket with butter cookies, but don’t eat them yet. Wander into the woods and leave a trail of cookie crumbs to find your way home. In the forest, ponder your existence. Ah, but what’s this? 500 years have passed. Mankind is extinct. Eat a cookie — it’s your cheat day!
7. The Seafood Diet
You don’t need food, food is for humans! You’re a mermaid now. Eat slime. Lick algae off rocks. There are no calories and it’s loaded with beta carotene. Lose weight. Marry a prince. Your best friend is a fish.