This Is Why You Should Never Go To The Beach

Yeah, you have fun sweating profusely while loud children scream everywhere around you. I’ll be enjoying my air-conditioning in peace.

1. There is NOTHING COMFORTABLE OR FUN about the beach. Want to lie down and read comfortably? Nope.

2. Want to avoid seeing the bare bottom of someone whose bottom you have absolutely no desire to see? TOO DAMN BAD.

3. Want to get a nice tan? HAHAHAHA NOPE FUCK YOU.

Flickr: maxually / Creative Commons

4. And those burns are not only really painful, but lead to disgusting skin peeling.

5. Oh, and if your body didn’t feel disgusting enough already, hope you enjoy having repulsively salty hair.

6. Children drop their toys all over the place, creating a virtual minefield of painful Legos you might step on.

7. And if you’re not stepping on painful Legos, you’re probably stepping on tons and tons of slimy seaweed.

8. Then there are those people who spend the whole time taking these damn selfies.

(Which, half of the time, might actually just be hot dogs.)

9. With so many people around, there are bound to be some creepers.

10. And you have no idea who, or what, might be lurking in the water.

11. THIS ISN’T A GAME, BEACH. STOP CORRUPTING THE INNOCENT.

12. If you want to go swimming, there’s always that stupid layer of rocks you have to walk over to get into the water that hurts like hell.

Flickr: anapko / Creative Commons

13. And when you get out of the water, there’s sand EVERYWHERE. In your car…

14. In your hair…

Flickr: amothersheart / Creative Commons

15. On your feet.

16. (thus coating the entire lining of your shoes.)

Flickr: 98224963@N00 / Creative Commons

17. And in your…other areas. Literally everywhere.

Flickr: swimdfree / Creative Commons

18. And you can’t have a meal at the beach without ingesting, like, five pounds of the stuff.

19. That’s if you can even eat your meal without a damn seagull coming and stealing it from you.

Sean Gallup / Getty Images

BACK AWAY, GULL, AND NO ONE GETS HURT.

20. And want to dry off after a dip in the ocean? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD.

Flickr: tinajohnson / Creative Commons

Unless, that is, you want to be coated in thousands of grains of sand.

21. “But the beach is so relaxing!” you argue. HOW IS BEING SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF SWEATY, HALF-NAKED HUMANS RELAXING?

Flickr: sportech / Creative Commons

22. Plus, people at the beach do things like take pictures with a tablet while standing in the water AND DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE AROUND THAT KIND OF PERSON?

23. And there are always at least a few people with amazing beach bodies who basically exist just to make you feel inadequate.

Joe Raedle / Getty Images

24. Although chances are you won’t even be able to see them because of the blinding sun.

IFC / Via giphy.com

25. Plus, the beach is actually REALLY DANGEROUS AND FUCKED UP.

26. LOOK AT WHAT THESE BARNACLES DID TO THESE SUNGLASSES.

29. Basically, the beach is a ruthless son of a bitch who doesn’t give a fuck about how your ~*cool beach trip*~ goes. It just wants to ruin your fucking day.

And that’s why you should stay the hell away from the beach.

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