1. There is NOTHING COMFORTABLE OR FUN about the beach. Want to lie down and read comfortably? Nope.
2. Want to avoid seeing the bare bottom of someone whose bottom you have absolutely no desire to see? TOO DAMN BAD.
3. Want to get a nice tan? HAHAHAHA NOPE FUCK YOU.
4. And those burns are not only really painful, but lead to disgusting skin peeling.
5. Oh, and if your body didn’t feel disgusting enough already, hope you enjoy having repulsively salty hair.
6. Children drop their toys all over the place, creating a virtual minefield of painful Legos you might step on.
7. And if you’re not stepping on painful Legos, you’re probably stepping on tons and tons of slimy seaweed.
8. Then there are those people who spend the whole time taking these damn selfies.
(Which, half of the time, might actually just be hot dogs.)
11. THIS ISN’T A GAME, BEACH. STOP CORRUPTING THE INNOCENT.
12. If you want to go swimming, there’s always that stupid layer of rocks you have to walk over to get into the water that hurts like hell.
13. And when you get out of the water, there’s sand EVERYWHERE. In your car…
15. On your feet.
16. (thus coating the entire lining of your shoes.)
17. And in your…other areas. Literally everywhere.
18. And you can’t have a meal at the beach without ingesting, like, five pounds of the stuff.
19. That’s if you can even eat your meal without a damn seagull coming and stealing it from you.
BACK AWAY, GULL, AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
20. And want to dry off after a dip in the ocean? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD.
Unless, that is, you want to be coated in thousands of grains of sand.