1. There is NOTHING COMFORTABLE OR FUN about the beach. Want to lie down and read comfortably? Nope.
2. Want to avoid seeing the bare bottom of someone whose bottom you have absolutely no desire to see? TOO DAMN BAD.
3. Want to get a nice tan? HAHAHAHA NOPE FUCK YOU.
4. And those burns are not only really painful, but lead to disgusting skin peeling.
5. Oh, and if your body didn’t feel disgusting enough already, hope you enjoy having repulsively salty hair.
6. Children drop their toys all over the place, creating a virtual minefield of painful Legos you might step on.
7. And if you’re not stepping on painful Legos, you’re probably stepping on tons and tons of slimy seaweed.
8. Then there are those people who spend the whole time taking these damn selfies.
(Which, half of the time, might actually just be hot dogs.)
9. With so many people around, there are bound to be some creepers.
10. And you have no idea who, or what, might be lurking in the water.
11. THIS ISN’T A GAME, BEACH. STOP CORRUPTING THE INNOCENT.
12. If you want to go swimming, there’s always that stupid layer of rocks you have to walk over to get into the water that hurts like hell.
13. And when you get out of the water, there’s sand EVERYWHERE. In your car…
16. (thus coating the entire lining of your shoes.)
17. And in your…other areas. Literally everywhere.
18. And you can’t have a meal at the beach without ingesting, like, five pounds of the stuff.
19. That’s if you can even eat your meal without a damn seagull coming and stealing it from you.
BACK AWAY, GULL, AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
20. And want to dry off after a dip in the ocean? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD.
Unless, that is, you want to be coated in thousands of grains of sand.
21. “But the beach is so relaxing!” you argue. HOW IS BEING SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF SWEATY, HALF-NAKED HUMANS RELAXING?
22. Plus, people at the beach do things like take pictures with a tablet while standing in the water AND DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE AROUND THAT KIND OF PERSON?
23. And there are always at least a few people with amazing beach bodies who basically exist just to make you feel inadequate.
24. Although chances are you won’t even be able to see them because of the blinding sun.
25. Plus, the beach is actually REALLY DANGEROUS AND FUCKED UP.
27. Some majorly fucked up shit washes ashore.
29. Basically, the beach is a ruthless son of a bitch who doesn’t give a fuck about how your ~*cool beach trip*~ goes. It just wants to ruin your fucking day.
And that’s why you should stay the hell away from the beach.
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