The Agony And The Ecstacy Of George “Crocs” Boedecker’s DUI Arrest

Last weekend, cops in Boulder, Colorado responded to a call about a guy who had passed out in front of his Porsche. That guy was none other than one of the founders of Crocs Inc., George Boedecker.

Move over, Mel Gibson. Someone just out-Sugar-Titsed your crazy DUI arrest.

I know one sad young man who’s going to storm off to his room and spend the evening writing moody poems in Aramaic.

If you think I’m talking about Randy Travis and his recent troubles, you’re wrong. Make no mistake — trying to buy cigarettes while naked and drunk before deciding to take a little roadside nap (also naked and drunk) and then threatening to kill a bunch of police officers (did I mention the naked and drunk?) is one humdinger of a DUI arrest, but I promise you: this shit is even better. And also worse. Look — it’s kind of hard to explain, so let me just break it down for you bit by bit, OK?

Last weekend, cops in Boulder, Colorado responded to a call about a guy who had passed out in front of his Porsche. That guy was none other than one of the founders of Crocs Inc., George Boedecker. You guys know what Crocs are, right? Horrifically ugly shoes favored by kids and doctor’s office receptionists everywhere? Widespread crime against all things aesthetically pleasing? The fashion equivalent of ripping off your genitals and feeding them to a feral cat to ensure that you’ll never be considered a sexual being again?

So, yeah, already we’ve encountered how awesome-while-depressing this story is going be, because while I am loving the fact that Mr. Crocs got busted taking a rum-soaked gravel nap, it cannot be ignored that he did so in front of his FUCKING PORSCHE.

HE BOUGHT A PORSCHE BECAUSE YOU DIPSHITS KEEP GIVING HIM MONEY TO PUT YOUR FEET IN HIS HIDEOUS PERFORATED CLIT SHOES.

Oh, but it gets better/worse! Once Boedecker was roused from his peaceful asphalt slumber, he proceeded to explain that he had just pulled over for a nap — wait, did he said he was driving? Nonsense, George later insisted: it was his “really fucking famous” yet “batshit crazy” girlfriend who’d been at the wheel. And who was his girlfriend? Um, TAYLOR SWIFT, DUH.

Her new single “Between a Croc and a Hard Place” drops September 22nd!

The idea that Taylor Swift would be with this guy is pretty rich. I mean…have you seen George Boedecker?

MMMMMM FRENCH FRIED PERTATERS

Not to Croc-block you George, but I don’t really see it happening. I mean, where on Earth would you get the idea that a young, hot, famous woman would be game for letting you paw all over her?

“CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHCS!”

Ugh. Great. Now we have to burn Maria Menounos.

Moving right along, we hit the real sweet spot of George’s tale. Like so many before him, ol’ Croc Rocket became belligerent when he realized that the cops were going to arrest him, so he began to run his fool mouth. His abusive comments to the officers were as follows, presented here in order of most-to-least hilarious:

“Go fuck yourself in the ass.”

“You’re my enemy for life.”

“I hope you fucking die.”

“I’m not doing your fucking maneuvers.”

“I know my fucking rights.”

“I have 17 fucking houses.”

You guys. Seventeen fucking houses? BOUGHT WITH FILTHY, STINKING CROCS MONEY? That had better be an exaggeration, or I have a lot of FUCKING KILLING MYSELF to catch up on.

Ah. And now I know precisely what I’ll see as I’m being ushered into Hell.

Unfortunately for George, this isn’t the first time he’s been in trouble — he was arrested in 2006 after he called his sister’s ex-husband and expressed his humble desire to “slit [his] throat.” But he also claims to be a philanthropist, and indeed is the driving force behind The Boedecker Foundation, a nonprofit whose mission is “to empower communities and inspire positive change around the world. (By slitting throats, I assume.)

All’s I know is I’m setting up my Google alerts for one Mister George Boedecker, because I can’t wait to see what the King of Croc is going to do next.

Besides NOT TAYLOR SWIFT.