Botched Jesus Painting News: The Life, Times And Gospel According To Weird Jesus

Did you hear about the old Spanish lady who ruined a 19th century painting of Jesus in a failed restoration attempt? Well, new, weird-looking Jesus is now our savior.

If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately, you have undoubtedly heard about a 19th century painting of Jesus in a little church in Spain that had fallen into disrepair, probably due to it having been painted in the 19th century. Here it is:

Should have used paint with a higher SPF.

Well, a little old lady in this Spanish town couldn’t stand for such a beautiful piece of art to wither away and be lost to the ages. You see, she’s no stranger to painting, and wanted to restore this work to its original glory. While there is debate about whether or not she did this with the knowledge of the priest at the church, there’s one thing we can all agree on — Grandma should probably stick with knitting.

It’s an either an abstract/expressionist take on Jesus Christ, or it turns out Jesus was actually just overlord of the Nightmare Babushka-Wearing Tortilla-Face People of Rigel 7.

OK, so some of the subtle beauty and soul of the first painting was lost in translation. I don’t doubt this poor old woman had the best of intentions in what she did, but it’s safe to say the church will be investing mainly in drapes and shrouds as their wall decoration of choice from here on in. After spending a couple of hours staring at the botched Jesus painting restoration, however, I can’t help but admit that I find an odd appeal in who I now like call “Weird Jesus.” I mean, photographs from his time are hard to come by, so who is to say what Jesus actually looked like? Sure, he was probably a handsome Middle Eastern man, but there’s no proof that he couldn’t have been a cousin of E.T. who had his face smashed with a pancake griddle. As long as they both had the same message of love and forgiveness, I think there’s room for both Jesus and Weird Jesus in my book.

Thanks, bro.

“So what would the life and times of Weird Jesus look like?” you ask, briefly pausing to stare at my handsome bio photo below. Well, I’m glad you asked. After extensive research in the Act Classy Religious Studies Laboratory and Pinball Room, I’m finding there may be a lot more evidence for the existence of Weird Jesus than originally thought. Will I share my findings with you? Of course I will.

At first, there was his birth:

Then he started his ministry as a young man:

Then he had his fateful meeting with John the Baptist:

Then he performed miracles:

Then he had his last supper:

Then he was tempted by the Devil!

Then poor Weird Jesus suffered terribly:

But, thankfully, Weird Jesus rose up to heaven where he still loves us and guides us this very day.

Originally posted by staff writer Joe Lyons at ActClassy.com.