13 Reasons Why I'm Trans That Cis People Might Actually Believe

cis means yadda yadda etc. but you can just keep calling yourself normal because we both know that's what you really are

1. I watched too much anime

After a while, kawaii is all you know how to be.

2. All the men in my family are bald

My dad is bald. The men on my mom's side of the family are all bald. Something had to be done. That thing was blocking testosterone production and injecting myself with estrogen.

3. I am a slave to trends

An edgy talking point of a transgressive TV show? A controversial Time cover? Fox News hates it? It's all over Portland? I just had to get in on this fad before it got stale.

4. I am extreme gay

I'm a gay star that imploded into a trans black hole. Transgender is another way of saying permanent drag.

5. Would you fuck me?

I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard.

6. To dodge the draft

They can't make me fight their wars.

7. I'm a pervert

I am a masturbation addict, and a heavy user at that. I had to look for increasingly extreme kinks to satisfy my cravings. Eventually, pornography just wouldn't cut it. It got to the point where I couldn't get off without nosediving my socioeconomic status. Informed consent hormone clinics are the methadone clinics of fetishism.

(I believe you that you don't know who this person is. Don't worry.)

8. I wanted to ruin feminism

I wanted to help the postmodernist liberal feminists destroy radical feminism. Why else would I have the audacity to exist without first asking if I had a handful of self-important, out of touch white womens' approval?

9. My parents weren't upset enough when I came out as bi

As the made up things invented by the liberal media to ruin the American family become more accepted, they become less likely to ruin American families. It's a self defeating system. When my parents accepted my bisexuality, I knew more drastic measures had to be taken.

10. I wanted to fulfill my dream of giving gender studies lectures to acquaintences all the god damned time

You know what I love? Explaining what gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, and sex biology* are to people! The best way to make sure this happens as much as possible is to be trans, so that I can give people summarized explanations of gender theory in exchange for a dehumanizing interrogation about the validity of my existence.

*ask me why "biological sex" is a dangerous social construct, that one seems to really tickle people!

11. I was bored

I got tired of playing the same videogames all the time, so I thought "what if I play the same videogames all the time, but with breasts?"

Needless to say, it's very exiting.

12. I was bitten by a radioactive cis woman

I walked down the street, minding my own business, and a radioactive woman crawled out of the sewers and bit me. My body mutated and I gained superpowers. I can now deflect facebook messages asking for nude photos with shocking accuracy, and I have a heightened sense of patriarchy.

13. I mistakenly believed that it would get me into the Michigan Womyn's Festival

Transphobic drum circles are the cornerstone on which the tower of feminism rests. Goddess be praised. I'm a feminist because I can afford a vacation. Why are all these kids calling themselves queers? What does intersectional mean? I'm sis not cis! Get off my 650 acre lawn!