Why Public Restrooms Suck (& How To Fix Them)

My take on problems with public restrooms

I know you may have heard many comedians talk about the issues of using public restrooms, from every square inch of the floor being covered in urine at one point, to televangelists tapping in Morris code from next stall to see if you're up for "cottaging." Allow me to share with you what I find troubling about using public lavatories.

One thing I hate about restrooms in general is that the walls around them are often too thin, thus making it possible for people to hear everything you are doing. Whatever you let fall into the toilet bowl, they will be able to identify if the bathroom walls are the industry standard 3/4 inch thickness. Even if the walls are of brick, the sound will still travel through the door. Sometimes, I feel like I will see panel of olympic judges when I walk out if a restroom and they will show me a score for my bowel movement's diving technique.

semoball.com

I'd give that plop a "6."

Another thing I'm sure everybody who uses a public toilet or urinal notices is the amount of pubic hair that is found on the seats and edges. You would think that a sasquatch had equal access to our restrooms, as they deserve, but didn't notice they were shedding. Maybe some people like to bring scissors or an electric razor with them and trim the bush around their respective Washington Monument or garden entrance.

Via youtube.com

The 70's are over!

Here's a piece of men's room etiquette that needs to be ditched:

the empty urinal rule

This stupid rule leaves men after downing 6 Coors at a college football game waiting in line longer to use the urinal. One set of urinals will always be occupied and overflowing with frothy urine because they can't flush fast enough while the other set of perfectly good urinals are left to collect dust and cobwebs. This is all because of the fear that if you use a urinal between two occupied ones, one or both of your neighbors might have "wandering eyes."

Men, you must get over your phobia of other men seeing your junk. Waiting in line just to make sure their is an empty urinal on both sides is not worth breaking the seal and trying to dry your urine-stained crotch with the pull up workout while clinging to the hand dryer. Man up and unzip!

Meanwhile in Sochi...

One last thing I hate about public restrooms is the toilet paper. You might as well wipe your posterior with your hand. The toilet paper is not even one ply, but more like half a ply. Taking two squares to your anus is not enough, as you will find the paper easily being torn apart by any lingering berries or film on your anus like a ship running aground on a coral reef. You end up having to mummifying your hand with a few layers of TP for a decent amount of grit. I don't need a sham-wow, but I need something stronger than the dissolving rice paper they offer.

Japanese toilets are the answer to this problem. They come installed with a bidet nozzle for spraying off your genitalia, taint, and anus. You can even adjust the intensity of the spray to your choosing. Just make sure the last person who used it doesn't leave it at full blast...

Via youtube.com

That's one way to hit the falsetto!

Once you get the bidet nozzle at the right intensity, however, a bad day could be washed away with whatever lingers on your posterior.