1. Okay, opening scene. My first thought is the Prince's eyeshadow is very extra. Honestly, I'm not mad at it.
2. The opera singer/wardrobe is played by the amazing Audra McDonald, who I saw in 1999's Annie when I was a kid. By far the best vocals in the movie.
3. The Enchantress just gatecrashed this ball, no wonder the prince is pissed.
4. Aaand now he's laughing in her face. You know what - fuck it, curse him.
5. The narrator says she transformed into a beautiful enchantress, but the light surrounding her is so damn bright I can't even see her.
6. Alright, so we've fast-forwarded to present day and we're about to meet Belle.
Even though I despise this movie, I have to say, I love the location they chose the village. It's just so quite and quaint.
7. And here she is, walking out of her house with half her skirt shoved up her knickers for some reason. Honestly, who approved this costume?
8. Oh God, the auto-tuned singing! Why they cast an actress who can't sing in this thing is beyond me. They might as well have gotten Siri to play Belle.
9. Belle proceeds to insult the baker and his rolls in song, then BUYS ONE. Hypocrite.
10. Emma Watson's description of the book Belle is reading is so flat. Remember in the original when Belle got so excited talking about her book the baker has to interrupt her so he can get on with his day? Here, she just shrugs and says, "It's about two lovers in fair Verona" with no enthusiasm.
11. Okay, I get why the villagers dislike Belle. She nearly tramples those girls' laundry and doesn't give a fuck.
12. The line "it's no wonder that her name means beauty" doesn't really land right here. Not to hate on Emma Watson's looks, but at best she's plain in this movie. There's another girl in the same shot who I'd consider more beautiful here.
13. Gaston is immediately giving off creepy vibes by leering at Belle through a spyglass.
14. He jumps down from his horse into a mud puddle, spraying those girls' dresses with mud, and doesn't even apologise. Rude.
15. I feel like with so much going on in the song and with so many voices they could've gotten really creative with the camera work, but instead they just stick with one long pan that makes it feel boring.
16. Props to Gaston for actually trying to take an interest in Belle's book here instead of just chucking it in a mud puddle in the original.
17. Belle just told him that no, she's not busy, she'd just rather be anywhere else. Harsh. At least the original Belle tries to let Gaston down gently.
18. And Gaston just referred to her as "prey". *Vomits*19. This little scene with Maurice singing is really sweet. Kevin Kline was perfect for this role.
20. But of course, something has to ruin it. Belle practically feeds Maurice the perfect answer to her question about being odd; he goes on and on about how her mother was mocked for being strange and ahead of her time and just when the moment's right - he says she was "fearless"! What the hell? He should have said she was odd too and that's okay, it makes her special, but no, he diverts to something completely unrelated and ruins the point of the scene.
21. I never understood why Maurice goes off to market when there's a huge market right in town. In the original he goes to a fair to enter his wood-chopping invention in a contest, but here it just doesn't make sense.
22. And of course now we have Belle inventing the washing-machine, which is just unnecessary. It's a bad play because it takes away from Maurice's character and shows that the writers felt they had to give Belle more traits to make her a likeable character - which she isn't when played by Emma, who has her complaining about her boring life and being pretentious. The original Belle was great on her own - she was kind, compassionate and sincere, all traits which we don't see in this version.
23. Okay, so Belle takes her washing machine to town and is teaching a young girl to read - historically inaccurate as well as unnecessary. Girls in the 18th century wanted to be accomplished and educated in order to gain a husband, and reading was seen as a a vital skill.
24. So the villagers get angry because how dare Belle teach a child to read and just... tip the washing machine over? Not the best way to make a point, as she can literally just put her stuff back in and start again.
25. Gaston following Belle home is just wrong on so many levels. And he just stomps into her garden and ruins those cabbages. Rude.
26. "The only children you should concern yourself with are your own." Wow. Subtle, Gaston.
27. And now he's actually grabbing her by the skirt to try to stop her from going into her own house. RESPECT. PEOPLE'S. BOUNDARIES!
28. Belle saying she's not a simple farm girl is laughable. She doesn't live on a farm, she lives in a townhouse. If she can't see that, then she is pretty simple.
29. Gaston's reaction to her rejecting his proposal is so underwhelming.
Remember in the original when he had an entire wedding party set up outside her house, and he went into a rage and swore to marry her no matter what? Here he just turns around with a look like he's thinking; "Mm, I suddenly want chicken wings."
30. Oh God, here comes the "Belle" reprise. The poor guys in post-production must have spent an absolute fortune on auto-tuning to make Emma Watson's voice bearable.
31. And now Belle has suddenly managed to run what looks like three miles from her house to the top of a hill in about ten seconds. If that was me, I would not be singing, I would be coughing up a lung.
32. Little acting tip, Emma - DON'T SMILE WHEN SINGING ABOUT YOUR STRUGGLES! It's basic acting and you're standing there grinning while lamenting about your boring life!
33. Got to hand it to Maurice for driving through a thunderstorm in the dark scary woods. I'd be curled up in the back of that cart praying a ghost doesn't get me.34. Oh fuck it, a tree just got obliterated by lightning. I'm with Philippe, get out of there before you get struck next, Maurice.
35. Why do characters in movies always choose to go down the dark scary path that they don't know where it leads to?! It's like they have a death wish.
36. It's suddenly snowing in June, because logic doesn't apply to this movie.
37. And here come a pack of wolves and Philippe is out of here. Can't say I blame him, honestly.38. Maurice gets flung at high speed into a rocky outcrop when Philippe breaks free of the cart, and he's still alive. He should have some injuries at the very least.
39. But he also is blessed with a shit-ton of luck, with Philippe being there to catch him right as he falls and the castle gates opening right on time for him to make his escape/
40. The architecture of the castle and its gardens is like a fever dream. Winding curves and weird shapes that don't connect and absolutely no symmetry or order. The stables alone look like they should be in an art gallery.
41. The castle doors opening on their own with an ominous creak is a BAD SIGN. This is how you know a place is haunted.
42. Have to say, they really nailed Lumiere and Cogsworth's designs. The detailing alone is amazing.
43. Okay, the piano is playing own its own! That's just creepy and I don't understand why Maurice isn't more scared.
44. Maurice goes into the dining room, sees a huge feast laid out, and just helps himself without a second thought. I'm sorry, but that's just something you don't do, especially when you've just wandered into someone's home uninvited.
45. Finally Maurice has a normal reaction to Chip sliding across the table own his own. "Mum told me not to move because it might be scary", Chip says. Of course it would be, if that was me I probably would have yeeted him across the room.
46. Maurice scrambling to get out of the castle while still talking to nobody and thanking them for their hospitality out of pure awkward politeness is hilarious.
47. Why is this the moment he chooses to get Belle's rose? You are literally trying to escape a haunted castle, Maurice, move your ass! They're not even the right roses, either. Belle asked for a red one like in her mother's painting and these are white.
48. Okay, Philippe completely abandoning Maurice the second the Beast shows up is pretty funny.
49. Why does Belle bother asking Philippe what happening and telling him to take her to Maurice? He's not going to respond - he's a horse, not Google Maps.
50. And yet Belle somehow makes it to the castle without the wolves showing up for a snack. Are these special wolves that are only nocturnal?
51. For some reason, Belle takes Lumiere, a candelabra, with her in a castle flooded with daylight.
52. The Beast's entrance here just isn't as dramatic as it should be. The way the dungeon's designed Belle can already clearly see him descending the staircase and doing castle parkour by leaping from ledge to ledge. It was so much better and really built up the anticipation in the original when all we could hear was this ominous voice coming from the shadows, and then all of a sudden he bursts into the light in all his glory.
53. The Beast immediately comes off as kind of an asshole here, calling both Belle and her father fools and sneering that eternity in a cell for taking a rose is fair by his standards as he is cursed too. Also, his reaction to Belle offering to take her place is completely wrong. In the original, we see a small flicker of empathy when she makes the decision - like he's surprised she'd make that sacrifice for her father. Here, he pushes her to the decision and snaps at her to make a choice.
54. Belle shoves Maurice, a frail old man, out of the cell so hard he falls on the floor. Maybe be a little more careful next time, Belle?
55. As Maurice is leaving the castle, we see Belle looking down on him from a massive hole in her cell that she could easily climb down from or jump out of, because that's how badly this place is designed. Sure, she might break a leg, but if she's so desperate to escape why doesn't she take her chances?
56. Lumiere breaks Belle out of the dungeon, offers her a room, and the first thing she does is break a stool over his head. Rude.
57. I love Plumette's design and that she can fly.
58. Belle picking up a hairbrush and asking its name is hilarious.
59. And the wardrobe suddenly decides to wake up and scare the crap out of everyone with that high note.
60. Belle hasn’t been here ten minutes, and already she’s decided to break her promise and escape via abseiling her way to freedom. This is what bothers me - in the original, Belle knows she's made a solemn promise and has to stay in order to keep her father safe. Here, she just doesn't care.
61. So now we're back at the village and Gaston is down about being rejected by Belle. Honestly, his dream of having a wife and cute children isn't so bad - I think if someone just gave him a lesson in feminism he wouldn't be so toxic of a character.
62. I don't know how to feel about Josh Gad's casting as LeFou - on the one hand, he has the vocals and dramatic flair. But on the other, the way he plays him is not believable - LeFou in the original is fiercely loyal to Gaston and wants to help him win Belle in any way. Here he just seems bored of his friend's drama and actually points out that there's lots of girls who would love to marry Gaston and he should just pick one.
63. I do love the way they pull off "Gaston", though, it's a great song. However, during it Gaston shoots a literal hole in the ceiling of the tavern. If I owned that place, he'd be getting kicked out.
64. Hey, Maurice is back! And looking very haggard - with this and the rambling about a living castle and a beast, I'm honestly not surprised the villagers think he's crazy.
65. So back in the castle, the Beast is literally ordering Belle to come to dinner like a petulant toddler, and Belle retaliates by calling him insane, then they have a screaming match through the door. Honestly, these two are so horrible, they're perfect for each other. We see Mrs Potts for the first time in this scene too, and honestly I'm disappointed with her design - it's like the artists just got lazy and slapped a face on the broad side of a teapot. In the original I loved all her detailing and how her spout acted as a nose.
66. Right as Belle is about to abseil her way to freedom, Mrs Potts and Chip come to her room and convince her to come downstairs for dinner. I have to say, the "Be Our Guest" scene is visually stunning, and Ewan MacGregor kills it as Lumiere.
67. But of course, after dinner Belle has to spoil it all and does the one thing she was explicitly told not to do - she goes to the West Wing, the Beast finds her, and she flees the castle. I just find this scene hard to watch as in the original, we can see the Beast feels guilty for scaring her and she is torn about breaking her promise: "Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute!" In this version, there's none of that.
68. So Belle's in the woods and the wolves attack her, and yet Emma Watson's face gives zero indication she's scared - at one point she just stares blankly at a big wolf with a scar bearing down on her menacingly. Luckily the Beast jumps in to save her life and, this terrible performance.
69. We go to Gaston, LeFou and Maurice now, who are searching rather aimlessly for Belle in the woods. The writing here kind of makes Gaston a hard to believe villain here because he clearly does not have a plan - he loses his temper when Maurice says Belle will never marry him, knocks the poor guy out and leaves him for the wolves. In the original he's calculating and has LeFou wait outside Belle's house for days in case she comes back, and strikes a deal with an asylum owner to lock up Maurice to bait Belle into coming home. Here, he's just revealed his motives and given up his only leverage.
70. This next scene where Belle tends the Beast's wounds is meant to be a turning point in the story and their relationship, but it just falls flat here. In the original, they apologise and find common ground, but they just snap at each other and the Beast falls asleep, leaving the servants to explain the curse and his backstory. Instead of Belle wanting to free them from the curse because of her feelings for the Beast, she's basically guilted into it because he had a bad childhood.
71. Back in the woods, Maurice gets rescued by Agathe, the enchantress in disguise. What has she been doing this whole time? She couldn't just undo her curse instead of traipsing about living the hermit life?
72. So back at the castle, Belle is reading to the Beast when he wakes up, and the first thing he does is insult her taste in books, because this character just refuses to change. And instead of the library being a gift to her to show her how much he appreciates her, he just waltzes her in there to show off his vastly superior collection.
73. Oh God, now we have to listen to them both badly singing "Something There". What's supposed to be a cute montage of the budding romance doesn't live up to the hype here, with Belle and the Beast's lack of chemistry painfully showing as they exchange bland glances at each other. Even the snowball fight goes wrong, with the Beast nearly knocking Belle out.
74. Now we come to the scene in the movie that creates the biggest plot hole. The stupid, unnecessary, time-travelling book that the Beast or Belle could use to escape the castle, but instead, decide to go to Paris to Belle's old home. We learn that her mother died of plague and in true Disney fashion, our love interests bond over their dead mothers.
75. Back in the village, Maurice has made it to the tavern and reveals Gaston left him for dead. Obviously no one believes him, and Agathe, who saved him from death, stands there and says fuck all while Gaston decides to ship Maurice off to the asylum. Why?! She could be helping him but instead she chooses to be the most useless character in the whole movie.
76. The scene where the Beast is getting ready for his romantic night with Belle really annoys me in this version - in the original he's excited but nervous, practising what he's going to say and do and trying to be brave. Here, the servants have to do most of the convincing while he scoffs and mutters there's no such thing as one true love.
77. And don't even get me started on Belle's dress. It's AWFUL, and the biggest let-down in the movie. Instead of being a beautiful ballgown of shimmering gold, she wears pale yellow in a weird sundress looking thing with square neckline and bodice decorated in rows of ugly, frilly trim, cap sleeves and a layered, flounced skirt made out of limp, cheap looking fabric that provides no volume.
And I'm sorry, but screw what Emma Watson said about corsets being anti-feminist, because they're not, not when worn correctly. A corset would have given that sad dress a sturdy base to take the weight of the skirts and give them volume, and emphasise the silhouette. During the dance scene, you can actually see Emma lifting the skirt and twirling it herself because the dress doesn't have enough volume own its own to move like it's supposed to.
78. The ballroom scene in itself is very disappointing, though Emma Thompson does provide beautiful vocals singing "Beauty & The Beast". Unfortunately, the actors just don't have chemistry together, and it shows. The dance is awkward and clunky, with Watson doing most of the movement on her own with independent twirls and turns. The romance just hasn't built between these two characters enough, and what's meant to be the romantic climax of the film feels bland and boring.
79. It doesn't get any better after the ballroom scene, either. The original scene is quite sweet - they're chatting on the balcony, and the Beast asks Belle if she's happy living with him. She says of course, but she misses her father very much. Here, the Beast asks the same question, but Belle simply states that no one can be happy if they're not free, shooting the Beast down. So when he offers her the chance to leave, it feels like an easy out, not a sincere sacrifice that shows how much he's grown as a character and how much he loves her. Their goodbye in the original is heartbreaking - Belle asks, "You mean I'm free?" as if she can't believe it, and we visibly see the Beast struggling with her leaving.
80. This next scene is probably the most infuriating one in the whole movie for me. The servants go to the Beast and ask why he let Belle go, and right when he's about to say his most important line, "Because... I love her." for reasons I will NEVER understand, they have MRS POTTS SAY IT. THE FUCKING TEAPOT. Why couldn't the Beast be bothered to say it himself? Why?! It completely takes away from the moment and I will forever be mad.
81. I've gotta say, though, "Evermore" is a great song - it's so dramatic and emotional.
82. So Belle rides back to town just in time to see the mob chucking Maurice into the asylum wagon, shows them the mirror, and as Gaston is convincing them all to go on a murderous rampage, the Enchantress just stands in the crowd doing FUCK ALL. What is wrong with you, woman? You have unlimited magical powers and you're not going to help?!
83. I do really enjoy this version of "The Mob Song", though. Luke Evans's vocals are impressive, and it looks really good in live action.
84. Ew, Belle kept the rattle from Paris that her plague-riddled mother kissed? That thing's definitely a health hazard. She could've just said she knows how her mother died instead of whipping that thing out and causing a second wave of plague.
85. And, of course, Belle has the perfect hairpin to pick the lock on the wagon and help them escape. I still think Chip hotwiring Maurice's wood-chopping machine and busting them out of the cellar is way better.
86. Gaston leaving LeFou to be crushed under the piano and saying the line "It's hero time" is just way too cringy.
87. And now showcasing another one of Belle's highly unrealistic talents, she somehow manages to remove an entire heavily layered ballgown while riding a galloping horse, because fuck it, this movie has just thrown the rule book out the window.
88. Mrs Potts hanging from a spinning chandelier and dousing the villagers in boiling hot tea is brutal and genius at the same time. They're all getting third-degree burns.
89. She's also only known LeFou for about five seconds, yet still decides it's her place to give him advice about Gaston. "You're too good for him anyways!" How do you know that, Mrs Potts?!
90. The wardrobe dive-bombs the villagers from a balcony and her piano husband rapid-fires his keys at them like bullets. These objects are not fucking around.
91. Gaston confronting the Beast here just isn't as dramatic as it should be. In the original he shoots at him but misses, shattering a window, then stalks him up to the roof, taunting him about Belle while the Beast lurks in the shadows before he finally leaps out and they grapple with each other. Here, he just shows up behind him on the roof, and for some reason introduces himself? Like, if you're going to kill him, just do it. Why are you making small talk?
92. Oh look, Belle's here. And now Gaston's telling her she'll marry him when they go home and how the Beast's head will hang on their wall. How romantic.
93. The Beast is literally getting the shit beaten out of him by Gaston on an unstable, crumbling ledge, but by all means, Belle, WALK SLOWER!
94. I don't really get the Beast's decision not to just throw Gaston to his death off the castle. I mean, on the one hand it shows how much he's changed and how he's a better man than Gaston will ever be, but on the other, this guy has been a toxic thorn in the movie's side for the past two hours and deserves nothing less than a gruesome death with time while falling to think about what a loathsome shit he is.
95. Oh, and it also gives Gaston the perfect chance to shoot him in the back. Twice.
96. Well, Gaston falls to his death anyways. Karma's a bitch.
97. Oh for fuck's sake - why is Emma Watson SMILING again in a clearly very sad scene? The love of her life is dying in her arms and this is her facial expression:
98. Honestly, the Beast's death here really isn't that sad. You know what is? Lumiere holding Plumette in his arms as she goes still and lifeless. The wardrobe and piano crying while saying their last goodbyes. Mrs Potts searching frantically for Chip and not being able to find him before she becomes inanimate. MY HEART HURTS.
99. Oh look, the Enchantress is here, to, see how her curse pans out, I guess? Honestly, I don't know why she bothers at this point.
100. The Beast is being transformed, brought back to life, in a cloud of magic, light and rose petals and Belle doesn't even look shocked here.
101. Yay, the Beast is alive again and our lovers are reunited. And their kiss has about as much passion and romance as a block of wood, but whatever, I don't care, this train-wreck is nearly over anyways.
102. They didn't have to make Lumiere's human costume this ridiculous, but they did, and I thank them for it. Ewan McGregor in overly fancy 18th century dress is hilarious.
103. Why do all this villagers decide come back at this point? Last we saw, they were running for their damn lives.
104. Even though I hate this movie with a passion, the final celebration scene is very nice with all the flowers and costumes, and Audra McDonald does a lovely job singing the finale song.
Final score: 1/10. Now burn it and go watch the original to cleanse yourselves!
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