Hello friends, gather round. I'm here to tell you something that will shock you to your very core: I hate chocolate.
And yes, I know what you’re thinking. What kind of fucked up things happened in your life to make you this strange, chocolate-hating creature?
Look, it’s not just a dislike of chocolate ice cream, or preferring not to eat that weird chocolate you get in Advent calendars. I hate it passionately, in all forms, and have since the day I was born.
And no, it hasn't gone away, my tastebuds haven't ~matured~, and being force fed the stuff from people who don't believe I hate it DEFINITELY hasn't made it taste better.
Remember how exciting birthday parties were as a kid? Yeah, same...until it came time for the birthday cake and it was chocolate EVERY DAMN TIME.
Honestly, there is nothing worse than ordering a delicious, seemingly chocolate-free dessert (hallelujah!), only for it to arrive and be COVERED IN CHOCOLATE SAUCE.
Or ordering an espresso martini, taking the first sip and realising they've made it with chocolate syrup.
A holiday dedicated to chocolate? Jesus did not rise from the dead for this.
Why would you ruin a perfectly good and relaxing bath by FILLING it with CHOCOLATE? Welcome to my nightmare.
To all of you, chocolate is a delicious, sweet treat. To me, I'm honestly just baffled as to why there's a whole aisle dedicated to selling it at the supermarket.
I know all you brainwashed chocolate lovers will try and convince me it's God's gift to humans.
But save your breath because I will go on hating that gross excuse for a 'treat' until my dying day.