The 7 Brutally Blunt Phases Of Getting Ghosted

The only rational explanation: they’ve been locked in an underground bunker by a drug cartel. Yeah. That must be it.

1. Meet My Friend DENIAL!

“LOL, calm down, it’s only been 24 hours which is normal because people are busy and honestly he probably dropped his phone in a well while trying to save a baby because he’s SUCH A GOOD GUY.”

Remember this internal dialogue?

“Maybe I should just text him again in case he didn't even realize he never replied. Sometimes I forget about an old text and then get a bunch of new ones, and it pushes the older ones down, and then I forget that I didn't respond. So if I text him now, I'll be back on top. Genius.”

REMEMBER THIS INTERNAL DIALOGUE??

Yes, I’m aware of the pathetic nature of this phase. It is what it is. It only gets worse from here kids. Buckle up.

2. What’s Behind door # 2…..It’s PARANOIA.

Oh don’t be silly! You know this one! AH, paranoia, the one that keeps you up until 4am staring at your ceiling walking through your entire date wondering “there must have been a booger in my nose” or “did I fart and not smell it” or “maybe if I would have juggled the bread rolls it would have really sealed the deal”.

This is usually the point where many people consider the unthinkable: sending a double text. I KNOW, ITS THE WORST. Maybe something actually bad did happen or they had a family emergency? Maybe, he's training to be an astronaut and is waiting until he is physically on the moon before he reached out- how romantic!

3. She’s Beauty, She’s Grace, She’s FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

After the initial early-onset panic, we come back down to earth and reassure ourselves that no one in their right mind would actually do that to us, because we’re great, and we won the 7th grade science fair and we have a great rack that matches are equally large personality, right? RIGHT??

4. I’m here for my reservation; SELF-PITY, party of 1

“Was it something I did”

Oooofff, this is by far the worst of all phases. The one where you break down every great thing about you, to fit into a narrative to give you peace. Its a dark place ladies and gents, and I advise all of you to stay far far away. Sometimes the only prescription is laying on the couch for a week eating cheese sticks. Being sad is okay. Just pour one out for your homies and keep your chin up buttercup. We can only go uphill from here....right?

5. I’ve got a fever, and her name is red hot RAGE

This is the point where you start picking apart and twisting their amazing qualities as proof that they really are just a big ole’ butthole. And then we annoy our friends by ranting to them about every stupid meaningless detail and whilst promising to the universe that we’re never going to speak to them again and how we’re done casually dating the entirety of mankind and how burning your house down actually sounds like a great idea.

6. The Continual Agony Of Hoping You Hear From Them

Yes, an optimist’s greatest superpower. Always seeing the upside side by holding on to false hope- YAY! Once several days, or weeks…or months have passed and you still haven't heard from them, those who resisted the temptation to send a double text are probably still feeling confused, and those who decided to follow up with yet another unanswered message are likely feeling even worse. Still, even though you're bummed, there's a small spec in the universe in which you'd like to hear from them. Maybe if you walk enough grandma’s across the street, karma will serve you a surprise!

Just don't get into voodoo. BLACK MAGIC AIN'T GONNA BRING BRAD BACK HONEY.

7. Acceptance

Go get wine. Wine is your partner now.

Now take a sip and remember these words:

1 | You're a fucking delight.

2 | You are not alone.

3 | Authentic moments are still meaningful, even if they don’t last forever. You’re allowed to savor the good experiences as they happen.