Wished they'd known about tap:
"The people on the other side of it are other students--if something comes up and you're late or miss--they'll understand. If they don't, then they're jerks and you don't want to meet them anyway"
"The turnover rate in decision making, for sure. Juniors should be told not to think too much of when a society lets you know but should also be informed that things change rapidly in the final week."
"You can receive tap letters/emails even after first round interviews start up. There are many chances!"
"If you don't get interviews, it doesn't mean you're not well-liked. A lot of it is simply about what social circles you run in before tap--if you're in Greek Life or more of a partying social scene, you'll probably get more interviews than someone who isn't."
"If anything that happens makes you uncomfortable, let the seniors know right away. A good society will adjust to make the experience work for you, and they will be glad you spoke up because they want you to have a great time. If they don't take you seriously, you might want to consider whether the society is worth participating in."
"It was pretty hard because all of the people who tried to offer support ("it's not that important, it doesn't mean anything about you, it's all about creating a group rather than focussing on individuals", etc.) kinda fell flat because it almost always came from a senior who was bought into the society process and actively upheld and reproduced the evaluative hierarchy through their own participation in the tap process."
"It's a really lonely process because it feels bizarre talking about it with friends who may or may not have interviews or taps. You have to trust the groups that are interviewing and tapping you, but their support feels biased because they obviously want you to join them, if they have tapped you."
"A couple societies don't interview people"
"It can be hard and awkward with your friends."
"It's not an organized process. It's something put together by a bunch of humans who are not working together. Each society does things differently and they basically don't coordinate at all."
"It's almost entirely about who you know and the social networks you're in, rather than about your value as a person or a student. "
"Everyone's experience with society is a bit different, so don't carry your expectations into the process, just let yourself experience it and feel about it how you want to "
"No one cares about society come senior fall and many people drop it"
"I wish I had understood more that the entire process can be extremely random. I think I assumed that if you did a bunch of activities and were impressive on paper, you would automatically get a really "prestigious" tap. A lot of the most impressive people I know (Phi Beta Kappa, presidents of major clubs, very impressive jobs, etc.) still had to rely on older friends for taps -- it's definitely not as merit-based as it's made out to be. Also, I wish I had understood how much shuffling happens right around pretap. I had a ton of friends who didn't get any pretaps who then ended up in awesome societies that they love. "
"It's not a value judgment on your worth as a Yalie. Getting a tap doesn't make you cool, and not getting one likewise doesn't make you not cool. ITS UNFORTUNATELY LARGELY A REFLECTION ON WHO YOU KNOW. "
"Whatever happens, it will have very few consequences on your year next year. It can feel like everything at the time during the tap process, but it literally won't matter whether you're in an "elite" society, a lesser-known one, or no society at all next year. Sure, it'll shape your senior year experience, but in terms of your opinion of yourself and other people's opinions of you, it means nothing. "
"Avoid gossiping about the process and remember that you can't take it personally. It's easy to feel rejected when you bear your soul in an interview and then don't get contacted again, but I kept reminding myself that a huge part of the process if tokenizing people (unfortunately) and choosing them based on their attributes that will contribute to a more diverse group. If you happen to have the same demographics of 10 other people they're considering, they won't choose you no matter how great of a person you are. It's harsh, but also helpful to remember that they aren't making quality judgments."
Even with trying to maintain perspective, "the rejection sometimes still felt really hurtful"
"It's okay not to want to do society, or not to want to do one that taps! The tap process felt so horrible that I didn't want to participate in one of those groups, even if I did get picked. Instead, the society initiative ones seemed like a much better option."
Wished they'd known about society:
"They eat up all your time."
"You will meet new people. You'll like some of them. You won't like others. And that is completely fine."
"Many societies pay dues that can be a hindrance for a lot of people"
"I introduced my society friends to my other friends! This is totally fine even in the more private societies, as long as you aren't sharing things people told you in confidence. "
"The society that is the best fit isn't necessarily the most prestigious one. Societies have different commitment levels/cultures."
"There are a ton of them and they're all different, so there are lots of different kinds of experiences to be had. "
"I wish I had known how many societies there are, and how different they can be from year to year -- the same society can have a totally different vibe depending on who ends up in each class. "
"It's truly not a make or break decision. Continue your life as normal, and remember how small and insignificant this in the grand scheme of things, especially with the things going on in our country right now."
"The group dynamic and group values of one tap class do not actually reflect how next year's (i.e. your) tap class is going to be. It's tempting to make judgments and decisions based on the group "vibe," which is definitely important to pay attention to, but keep in mind that societies differ hugely year-to-year! "
"They are a huge social experiment in a lot of ways--throwing 16 people together who are really different doesn't always work, and requires a lot of work on everyone's part. Which isn't to say it isn't awesome for the same reason, but is still worth thinking about."
"It's not a be-all, end-all to a good senior year. You can make great new friendships senior year, with or without society."
"The society initiative ones have a lot of different options--you could do one that debates or one that does bios. I had no idea there were choices with them, which ended up being really great because the whole group wanted the same kind of experience."
"People have SUCH a wide variety of experiences with society. I loved mine, but most of my friends are more meh about society. If people don't get tapped, it's not like they're necessarily missing out on an incredible experience. Also, there are plenty of boring people in "top" societies and interesting people who aren't in society. "
Advice for maintaining friendships:
"I tried not to let society or tap become major discussion points in my friendships, instead focusing on more important parts of our lives and friendships."
When talking to friends who were concerned, "I tried to offer perspective and reassurance that in the end, it wasn't the most important thing about senior year."
"I think the most helpful thing was just openly talking about the fact that society tap is INCREDIBLY random and not as merit-based as it is presented to be. If some of us were in "better" societies, we recognized that it wasn't due to any of us being better than anyone else but just due to luck and knowing the right person. "
"There's no need to be secretive or competitive. Existing friendships matter WAY more than this stupid process."
"Honestly I tried not to talk about it with my other junior friends. Everytime I found myself in a conversation with my friends about who they were interviewing with, what they'd heard from seniors, which society was "better" than another, it made the process to much more stressful and puts strains on my relationships with them. It was always best to tune out those conversations."
"I think honesty was important--not trying to hide that you'd been tapped for more things, or on the flip side not trying to hide that you were upset about it. But then also working to not talk about it all the time, do other stuff, set limits on how much it could take up conversational space."
Self-care tips:
"I tried to remind myself that even in the event that I wasn't tapped by a society I was interested in, senior year could be successful and fun anyways."
"Remember, that we are going to school. This is not the end of your social life, nor should be treated as such. You'll survive this."
"The most supportive person I spoke to was a partner of someone in society. She was a junior, and her partner was a senior. She spoke very candidly about what it was like having him away every Thursday and Sunday night and how his society treated her (very well). It helped both my decision and my clear-headedness. "
"I improvised with my friends. I ate a lot of chocolate. "
"Talk to older people"
"Remember that you can have the society experience without the stressful tap process--the society initiative exists and all of my friends in those groups have loved it. They're just as "real" as any of the others (even with alum networks and financial support)"
"Journal"
"A couple years before someone wrote a piece for the YDN about not getting tapped, and it was super helpful to see this wildly successful and cool Yalie not be in a society and have her say that she was initially sad about it but that it ended up being positive because she could get an internship at the New Yorker instead."
"I just reminded myself that it wasn't reflective of my value as a person/student, and remembered to talk to people outside of Yale, to remember how dumb the whole thing was!"
"Talking with roommates and friends who were also going through the process and talking to seniors. Really honest communication was super helpful "
"Talking to current seniors about why they did/didn't do society"
"I was a super stressball the entire time and it was terrible. I think the only thing that kind of helped was talking to my senior friends and having them reassure me that they were going to make sure it worked out. "
"Talk to people who have done society and liked it, people who have done society and not liked it, people who didn't do society and were happy, and people who didn't do society but wished they had. TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR PERSPECTIVES"
"Quit if you don't like it! I did and it was the best decision I could have made"
"It was nice when seniors communicated candidly and transparently about the process. It was always comforting when someone I knew in a society that was interviewing me reached out to me to describe the process and downplay the intensity of it, rather than maintain an air of mystery and exclusivity. "
"I sort of freaked out, went for runs, tried to hang out with people who weren't super invested in/stressed about the tap process"
"Try to invest energy in the friendships you already have and value"
Overall thoughts, one year+ later:
My society was a "disappointment because I was hoping to connect with a more diverse group of people."
"It is still possible to have a fulfilling, enriching senior year even if you are not in a society."
"I absolutely loved it. I would definitely do it again."
"The first semester I was a bit weary, but now I am really into it. I think people need to know that it is a weird concept, but that you get out what you put in"
"Don't worry about societies. It's totally okay not to get into a society. If you are tapped that's great, otherwise there isn't a large difference on your senior year."
"I quit my society, because it was not worth the commitment. I don't think my experience is universal, but I would not do it again."
"It has been a learning experience but I do feel like I am sometimes making more than a personal effort to make conversation go deeper. Nevertheless, I would do it, again."
"I wanted to make friends with people who were different from me -- which my society definitely accomplished. I learned a ton and built some important relationships."
"I kinda wish they didn't exist but given the circumstances I would do it again."
"I loved my society experience, and would definitely do it again. It is challenging to bring people of different viewpoints and perspectives together and try to have fun, get to know each other, empathize, and discuss/debate topics that are important to you. It felt like a culmination of all of the work I had done to develop better discussion skills at Yale."
"Once and a while, usually as I passed a tomb, I'd be bothered by the thought that I could be admitted to Yale and still be denied access to some of the privileges afforded to some members of its student body.
I'd ask myself: Why is that? And my answer was often something along the lines of "You could have been more outgoing Freshman Year" or, "You did important work during your Yale career, but nothing of special of note." I realize that these messages mostly come from my own mind, but I think the rhetoric surrounding Societies during my time at Yale presented Socities as "sorting hats" that set the Gryffindors apart from the Hufflepuffs. And I had come into Yale thinking that Yale itself was the sorting hat. Then later, after I had listened to my more radical friends and had taken the time to really think, I understood that it's fucked up that a sorting hat should get to determine your access to privilege and it's even more fucked up that I should desire to be counted among the privileged."
"I love my society now. The people are great. I think it's a good fit for me. The tap process was really crappy. The constant evaluation of you on not merit but personality was really tough. The prestige aspect sucks. I wish yale would even them out with access to spaces and funds and resources. I would do it again because of the result. But I do wish the process was more transparent and less elitist, judgy, awkward, personal, and secretive. "
"I was upset about not being tapped, but still wanted new friends so I signed up for a society initiative society, and it was a wonderful experience. I got to meet new people and have a group of friends for my senior year, which felt really important."
Society isn't that important, "when you compare it to classes, extracurriculars, relationships, the general political landscape. Those things are stressful. In general, I think it's so important for Yalies who never fail at anything to "fail" at something inconsequential like society. We're so used to succeeding at everything that possibility of failure is crushing and anxiety inducing. But it's ok! We all fail at things!"
"I can't imagine how I would have survived my senior year without my society. Most of my friends were meh about their societies so I know I have the minority opinion, but it was just such a powerful experience and has so changed the way I see people and the world. I love the friends I've made from it so much. "
"I would do it again. It hasn't been life-altering, but it's fun to meet a new group of people. The thing I like most about society is that it is designated "fun time" in your week that you don't have to feel guilty about because you made a commitment to other people to be there and hang out. "
"I liked it a lot, but I didn't feel like it was life-changing. It more gave me a structured way to hang out with some fun people I liked. Some things were difficult though: I find it hard to find social time with the people who are my actual best friends on campus, since two nights a week my social time goes to this new group. It definitely cuts into the time you have with your pre-existing friends, which kinda sucks."
"I met a new group of friends and we had a great time together! Things didn't happen exactly how I had invisioned them (I didn't form some deep soul bond with every single one of the people) but we found a great common ground and had a really fun time as a group! I still try to keep in touch and we try to see each other when possible"
"I didn't do a society and while initially disappointed, I'm really glad that I didn't. I had more time for my thesis and the friends I already had and loved."
"I've made a couple very meaningful relationships through society, but the group overall is definitely a forced/constructed dynamic."
"This really doesn't matter and it's easy to have a fun senior year without it... I wouldn't do it again"
"Mine's been amazing and challenging, just in being around people who are super different--and not necessarily in the ways you'd expect. Sometimes it's exhausting and it does take a lot of time. But especially because I was in a situation where a lot of people I knew graduated, it filled a massive hole in my life. And I've gotten some wonderful, necessary, close friendships out of it, which seems to me fundamentally the point."
"I'm happy that I didn't get tapped, because it would have taken up so much time, and I don't enjoy socializing with people I don't know. Senior year was already so busy, def couldn't have managed with a society and it would not have been worth what I would have had to give up."
"I am really glad I'm in a society and I've gotten a lot out of it. It hasn't been what I expected, so I just wish I had a broader set of expectations at the start of the year. But even if I don't have as many lifelong friends and/or haven't had as many life-changing experiences as I may have expected, I'm really grateful for the experience."
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