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Top 10 New Years Resolutions I'm Sure To Break


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Top 10 New Years Resolutions I'm Sure to Break

Photo by Gerhard Gellinger / Via

It’s tradition to make a resolution for the New Year. We’ve all probably done it at one point or other in our lives. So, in the true spirit of tradition, I give you my Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for 2017, and I can guarantee you, I'm sure to break each and every one of them.

10. Have a clean desk with no stray papers on the desktop. Speaking of clean desktops, this includes my computer desktops that will be free from stray document icons that pile up blocking my cool wallpaper. I hate when that happens.

9. Be more sociable, and make new friends. This is very difficult for a nerdy, anti-social introvert who likes quiet, empty rooms, (with clean desks). I'm sure this time I can really do it though, and build some lasting bonds, because I feel all giddy, just like a handsome young debutante. Right.

8. Go see an opera or ballet. I believe everybody should get as much culture as possible. Then we can have a well-rounded society that appreciates the finer things in life such as polished, uncluttered mahogany desktops, fine wines, men in tights dancing, and obese men and women singing in a foreign language. Now I like all kinds of music including classical and choral, but there's something I guess I'm missing about ballet and opera. It's still a good fake resolution to include on any guy’s list though, because the chicks think it's “so cultured."

7. Drive slower. They say driving with a lighter foot on the gas pedal is safer and better for the environment because I will use less gas. I am doing as much as possible to live more green, like shredding and recycling papers instead of leaving them on my desk. I will also make sure my car's tires are properly inflated, to save fuel, and I will surely be able to drive much slower, as I will leave for work at least an extra ten or fifteen minutes earlier every morning so I don't have to rush and drive like a maniac. That reminds me, I really need to wash my car more often too. Oh yeah, and no more tailgating and cursing incompetent drivers. I'm sure I can do this.

6. Eat slower. I must learn to actually chew my food before I swallow it. Then, maybe if I chewed and chewed everything very well, and I could do it without looking like a not-so-prized-bull chewing his cud, I might actually be able to turn a grazing session into a social event, and have a meaningful conversation during lunch or dinner. And if I’m eating alone, I might even eat less out of sheer boredom from being at the table for so long, and maybe I might even taste my food before I scarf it down. Oh yeah, and eating at the desk is definitely a big no-no from now on. I hate a greasy keyboard. I type badly enough to begin with, without adding chicken grease to the equation.

5. Don't use my credit cards. I could lock them in one of my uncluttered desk drawers, but that's kind of hard since I have direct deposit and rarely have more than ten or twenty bucks in cash on me at any given moment. I pay for everything with one credit card. Okay, I need to re-think this resolution, because unlike the others, this one is impossible. I guess the real trick in this age of plastic is to use a credit card like a debit card. Yeah, that's what I'll do, and it shouldn’t be hard at all, except those daily spending limits can be a pain.

4. Stop drinking. They say too much of a good thing is bad, well too much of a bad thing is worse. But if God didn’t want us to drink, why did he make booze taste so good, and why did he make us thirsty in the first place? I don’t go out any more, because I don’t want to drink and drive. I guess it’s my own fault for not living in Manhattan so I could walk from my apartment to the bar, and back. But I’m sure I’ll feel better if I stop drinking, and I know I can do this, if I just substitute Diet Coke for the hard stuff. And think of all the money I’ll save on expensive alcohol. And maybe then I won’t be so hung over when I’m sitting at my desk, and I’ll have the energy to clean off all the papers that seem to keep piling up. Man I hate Diet Coke.

3. Don’t smoke. One of the many “virtues” extolled by supporters of President-elect Donald Trump is that he doesn’t drink or smoke. When Barack Obama was first elected, the media gave him a hard time about smoking. Can’t have our Chief Executive setting a bad example for the little ones, now can we? And who wants a president who is always coughing? Of course, everyone knows smoking is bad for you, and causes a tremendous burden on our health care system as well. But I know if I had to face all the problems everybody throws at the president year after year, I would probably have to create a secret smoking room in the White House. Maybe that’s one of the reasons Obama wanted to lift the embargo on Cuba. If it were me, I would have a diplomatic box of Cubans shipped overnight, and by dinner-time the next day, I’d have my feet up on my clean desk in the Oval Office, air fresheners blasting, smoking a delicious Cuban stogie.

2. Exercise more. The hardest part about exercising is getting my lazy butt out of my chair in the first place. I’ve got a great chair in the TV room, and my office chair at my desk is pretty comfy for not being a leather recliner with cup-holders. Speaking of my desk, that’s another bad habit I have, putting my feet up on my desk. My mother used to say, "If God had intended for people to put their feet up on the desk he would have made them look more like ottomans." But seriously, my doctor says I need to get out and exercise enough to raise my heart beat, for a minimum of 20 minutes per day, 5 days a week. That shouldn’t be too hard. Right? It’s only twenty minutes! Right.

1. Lose 20 pounds. And I swear, even though I need new clothes immediately, I won’t buy any until I lose the weight. I have a closet full of clothes for ten and twenty pounds ago, and a lot of the clothes are like new; some even still have tags on them. Either I bought a lot of clothes right before I gained a bunch of weight, or I was in denial for a long time, refusing to admit that I couldn’t fit into pants with a 34-inch waist anymore. Wait a minute, I’ve thought of the perfect solution. I’ll lose 20 pounds, and bring out all my like-new “skinny” clothes, and it will look like I have a whole new wardrobe without spending a dime. Hey, isn’t that really three resolutions rolled into one? I lose 20 pounds, don’t buy any new clothes, and save the money from spending less on food and new clothes. That should be easy to do. And with all the money I save, I can buy a new desk, and keep it really clean and without clutter.

I promise, and my word should be just as good as our next president’s right? Oh well, here's to another year of enjoying the good life in good company without regrets. Happy 2017.

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