How to Deal With Losing a Parent
Life sucks sometimes... It's a fact. The worst part of my short life was the period of August 2014- Christmas 2014. In this short time, cancer took two of my biggest supporters, and some of the people I was closest too in the world. My Grandmother and Mom. I always think about them, and what my life would be like with them still around. I wonder, what they think of me, and what they smile down on me for. Now, my mom was diagnosed in 2013, with an aggressive form of Colon Cancer. When she told me and my sister, that word, cancer, hit me like a freight train. You never are prepared for someone you love to get cancer, something I learned the hard way. Twice. She got hit hard, but got right back up. A large part of her colon was removed, and she was given lots of chemo and radiation. She seemed to be getting better, and was back to being herself again, then, it came back. She was hit by another round, and fought just as hard, however, this time, the cancer was a little bit stronger. I remember the night my parents told us that she was going to die. Sunday night, we went in to visit the hospital, and had our normal conversation. Then it got eerily quiet, and my dad told my sister and I that the treatments would be ending, and that we would let the disease "run its course". He asked us if we understood, and we shook our heads, unprepared for the coming statement. "It means that mom is going to die from this”. Without a doubt the worst words I have ever heard in my life. We all gathered into a group, and had a long cry. These were the last months we would have together, ever. I didn't sleep that night, my brain was just too lost in thought. “Why me, why her, why us?” I asked myself. I had obviously known that with cancer, death was always a possibility, but my mom was too good of a person, too strong to die from cancer. I clearly remember having my alarm go off the next morning, and I stumbled groggily out of bed, unprepared for the coming day. It was nearly a week until I told my closest friends. As things go in middle school however, it was only days before the whole school knew. I struggled in school for a while, with little sleep, and little motivation. The first month was ok, she was still on the life support, still eating food, and was doing alright. Then the night of December 8th came, and we had just finished dinner, Mom included. We were watching TV, and Dad turned it off, and they told us some more incredibly difficult news. Mom was going off the life support, and would eat when she wanted, which was almost never, and it would be "slow and painless". My sister and I looked at each other, stunned beyond words. We again huddled up as a family, and cried. My sister and Mom and I all turned on the TV to see what movies were on, and the first one on was, ironically, We Bought a Zoo. To fill you in on the plot, it's 2 kids and a father who recently lost their mother to cancer buying and restoring a zoo. How cruel. We had learned mere minutes before that our Mom was about to die, and they only movie on is about a family with a Mom that just died. Great. I watched about an hour, and then went to bed, despite not being able to sleep. Time went by, I saw Mom less and less as she slept and was bedridden, and then came Christmas. My Moms side of the family came down to our house, despite the tradition of being at my uncles, to see Mom for one last time. We had a good time, and as 1 pm rolled around, the family decided they should leave. The Hospice people showed up, as they did every day, and went upstairs to check on Mom. They were there for an unusually short time, and they then came down and brought dad up. About 10 minutes after that, he came down and told my sister, and his parents the worst words I've heard in my life. "She's gone". Silence, then sobs. I would never see her smile again, never have another conversation with her, it was over. As tears filled my eyes, one word ricocheted out of my mouth. "Why". Why me, why us, why now”. Christmas, the happiest day of the year, shrouded in a cloud of sadness. Dad asked if we wanted to go up and see her, and we both said no, not being able to bear the sight of the strongest woman in our lives, lifeless on her bed. About an hour before the funeral, my dad walked in with an envelope, that had my name on it, in my moms font-like handwriting. I opened it, and read the words I hold so dear. I can't describe it, but I only fear that it may be destroyed someday. I have several pieces of advice for someone in the same situation as I was a long 2 years ago. I’m sorry to say, but it never gets easier. When you lose someone, especially a parent, you will miss them for the rest of your life. When someone who literally made and shaped you leaves this earth, you acquire a sense of emptiness that can never and will never be filled. Though you do find different ways to cope. For me, its exercise. Whenever I miss my mom, it truly hurts me. However, when I go and am able to let loose on a track or athletic field, it brings me a sense of clarity and guidance. Another tip, you will cry, a lot. I, someone who prides themselves on keeping emotions bottled up, have cried about losing my mom a lot. Family events are never the same, you always feel a twang of jealousy the someones parent is at their game, or their performance, and yours simply can’t be. When mothers or fathers day rolls around, and all your friends are posting happy day on social media, you are stuck, mourning what could have been. You will never be able to be the same exact person you were before that loss. You have a darker side, a edge to you that seems to come outa of nowhere. To be purely honest, I have never been the most loving individual, but after the loss of my mom, I cut many people off. I was easily agitated, and just wanted to be alone. This is rather tough when your mother was well-liked, and truly cared for many. It will also be hard on others. You have to remember that it isn't just you in this fight, but that any sibling, grandparent, other parent or close friend is going through exactly what you are. Of course everyone grieves differently, but you need to remember that everyone is in this together. People want to help. This was something that I learned a ton over my mom and grandmothers deaths. Me, being the stubborn, hardheaded person I am, wanted to tackle this by myself. The truth is, that grief is a group effort, and that you need to be able to receive help and guidance in your time of need, rather than turning it away. You will treasure the memories, and press your brain to remember all the moments you had. Truth be told, it is gonna hurt at first, but you realize that the memories are the only true connection that you have left. The funeral will be the most difficult event you’ve gone too. People will say “I’m sorry” “I understand what you are going through”. Some people may, but it is still something that you doubt, and that seems like only you can understand what happened. Your other parent or sibling will be someone you can lean on. You can’t be afraid to cry, or take time and remember all the memories. They will be your biggest ally in this whole process. You will become surprisingly religious. Even if you don’t believe in god or heaven or the afterlife, you’ll find yourself talking to the sky, having a conversation with your lost loved one. You will see glimpses of them, in passing faces, as if it was a terrible joke that you weren't in on. I catch myself talking to nothing, hoping mom will hear, hoping that I receive a sign. You'll see your loved one in nearly everything. Beautiful sunset, that was mom. Snow falling on a perfect winter day, that was mom. It’s something that is difficult to understand, until you suddenly catch yourself doing it. You will wish for just one more mundane conversation, one more minute sitting by each other reading, even one more minute arguing, as long as that one more minute is with them. You'll regret a lot of the mean things you said. During arguments, saying you hated them, whatever it is, you hope they knew you didn't mean it, you don't hate them. You will spend an immense amount of time wondering and trying to remember what your last words to them were. I honestly cant remember mine to my mom, but its something that I constantly mull over, just wondering. You will wonder if they can see you, if there is an afterlife, and what they think now. It is a difficult thing to think about, but there is something we just don't know. Time heals, but this is one wound that will need lots of time, and may never heal, as I’m almost sure it may never heal for me.The true message of this story is to hold tight to who you hold dearly, because "Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who make this journey with us, so be swift to love, and make haste to be kind.
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