Collateral Damage
I have spent most of my 56 years watching helplessly while a psychopath treated the people I care about like game pieces in a game where he got to make all of the rules. I am fortunate enough to have made it this far as collateral damage, instead of one of his actual victims.
Make no mistake, no one in his sphere of influence comes away unscathed. For whatever reason, I had his number when he was 4 yrs old. I was 12 years old when my father remarried a few months after my mom died. I gained an additional 3 younger siblings at that time. He was the youngest.
I was an anxious people pleaser as a child. I am an anxious people pleaser now. He gave me the creeps. I don't know how else to describe it. I will allow that I have always had an active imagination and been a voracious reader. I don't blame anyone for not taking me seriously.
My parents were newlyweds. They were also immature. I love them, but it's true. At 12 years old I found myself trying to meet the emotional and physical needs of two 4yr olds, an 8yr old and a 10yr old who had just lost her mother. Sometimes, I was left with up to 17 children under the age of 11 to 'babysit' for extended periods of time. I honestly did the best I could with absolutely no tools other than whatever natural intelligence, empathy and maternal instincts I was born with, along with an an aching need to please other people so I would be worthy of their love. This is a gross oversimplification of the circumstances and totally from my own perspective, of course.
I consider myself fortunate that I've managed to remain collateral damage instead of a direct victim for as long as I have. I know how dangerous a cornered predator can be. I got used to being Chicken Little. I would have loved to have been proven wrong. Sadly, I turned out to be the canary in the coalmine.
My brother has no conscience and is unwavering in his belief that he is a superior being and all he needs to do is figure out the right angles to approach people so he can charm his way back into their confidence no matter how many times he's lied to their face and betrayed their trust before, and then convince them to do it all over again. He is very proud of this skill. If his charm doesn't work on you, his wrath certainly will.
I have no idea why I was able to see through him so clearly and no one else in my family could for the longest time. It was so astoundingly obvious to me. It was as though he could stand in from of them holding a bloody knife in one hand a human head in the other and persuade them not to believe their own lying eyes. I watched him plow a path of destruction through my family and anyone else foolish enough to place their faith in him for over 30 years.
Thankfully for all of us, right now he is making prison "Great Again" until at least 2031. Even now, my parents cannot fully accept the truth. I get it. Accepting it would take away what little faith they have left in their own judgement and destroy them completely. I am not willing to do that.
Based on my own personal experience and years of therapy trying to put my life back together, psychopaths don't know they are psychopaths. They have no conscience and therefore no frame of reference. To survive, you have to learn how to be able to spot patterns of psychopathic behaviors and develop defensive strategies. I cannot figure out how to unlearn those now. My life would be a lot less stressful if I could.
It has definitely informed my worldview. I try to take responsibility for my own lapses in judgement. Everyone else is on their own.
I'm only writing this because all of my 'spidey senses' have been on stuck on red alert for over 2 years and right now they are so loud they are threatening to destroy me emotionally all over again. Don't worry about me. Save yourselves.
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