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Bitch YOU THOUGHT! Okay so too many people are coming up to me and saying that they’re a bad bitch when -clearly- they’re not (I can tell because they have the naïve smile of a first-semester freshman believing their college is amazing when they’ll uproot themselves and transfer in like a month or so lol). The thing is bad bitches live by the motto of my seventh grade English teacher who was such a little sweetie: “show, not tell.” One does not simply say they’re a bad bitch and immediately become one. Like SoulCycle, Sweetgreen and nights at Rumor, it is a way of life that consists more of just instagraming every time you eat something with Matcha in it or wearing a slutty black top from Forever 21. So here is the TRUE test to see if you’re a bad bitch. I wanna know if you live by the motto “give no fucks, take no shit,” wake up each morning ready to claim agency over the day and make it go the way YOU want it to go, and take the high road vs cut a bitch when she’s asking for it (you know when…)? Even when you’re taking one of your many beauty naps with your eye mask with “Sleeping Beauty” embroidered on it are you still woke AF? I'm dying to know...

Are You REALLY A Bad Bitch?

What like grinds your gears the most, babe?

When he pops out, whacha gonna name that little shit?

Its the ~mantra~ of all the baddest bitches out there!

Disclaimer: all these are not things I myself have sent or received (unfortunately)...

And your prof is low-key homophobic so its not like he's innocent...

Most of them are gay, so back off you heteros... (and yes i did have a lot of fun looking for these pics on the internet)

Hey, so here’s the thing. Everyone has their own priorities, and sometimes those lend themselves to different situations. I feel like for you, your decisions lend yourself to getting along with fucking everyone – which is good! – and being a team player. Those traits are awesome, but why don’t you try being greedy for a bit? You may be a betch, but are you a bitch? Treat yourself, get a bath bomb and drink champagne from the bottle, do what YOU want instead of what others expect, and experiment with being a little badder… a little bitchier in the future. The Queen of England would be nothing without her Corgis, but which are you? Are you the Queen or a Corgi (granted, they’re cute af). Like we’re shooting for you being the Queen here, or maybe a Harry or Kate Middleton. You’re like the sweetest. I totally have respect for that, just bust out of your shell and do what YOU fucking want. If you were on How I Met Your Mother, you'd be Patrice. Nobody fucking likes Patrice. As my favorite Soul instructor (Francis, East 83rd. He’s AMAZING) says, “Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Not only is he hot and like has that cute little bop motion on the bike that I’ve been trying to master (ugh), be he’s right. Push yourself beyond your boundaries to become your true self. Nobody was ever happy going along with the ride. Instead, be the conductor (or at least some bougie bitch in the front car eating macarons and tea sandwiches – either work)!

Gonna slap some more bad into this betch…

Oh shit! We got a bad one over here (kind of…). So this is what’s up: you’re starting to get these bad bitch tendencies, but I want to inspire you with a quick tangent. So this one time I was at a party and I was like really out of it (lol) so I had to be helped home. The police man saw me stumbling and my friends carrying me back to my dorm, so he stopped us to ask if I was alright. I couldn’t walk in a straight line or recite the alphabet backward bc tbh I can’t do that normally. He asked me who the president was and I was like, “The President is Barack Obama, his wife is Michelle Obama. Joe Biden is the VP, the First Daughters are Malia and Sasha, and they have a dog named Bo. Trump and Hillary Clinton are vying for the presidency.” Let’s just say he was very impressed and let me keep going. Moral of the story: I was so extra that it saved me a medical record and a lot of money wasted. So try to be a little more EXTRA! Follow your urges, take less for the team and more for yourself. Try moving up a row at SOUL, make the first move, hit up a party with some friends, and be ~honest~ and “snip snip”ing those whom you don’t have the time or the effort for. Because, honey, your time is valuable

You’re getting the hang of it, but now… BE BADDER!

Oh, I like you, you sexy little bitch! You’re pretty bad! Like on a scale of 0-100, you’re cruising at like a nice 75 to 85, which is fine because that’s literally the same grade I got in everything in sixth grade and look at me now! You have some bad bitch tendencies, and act on your urges, but also keep in mind the larger ramifications of everything. People will say you need to be a totally bad bitch, but truth is they have no friends and you’re at a good place. You respect yourself but also like having friends and being liked. I like that, babe! We should be friends; Lychee Saketinis soon? Text me

Reasonably bad!

Oh, hold my Birkin! You’re the baddddest bitch in all the land. With the power invested in me by the church, state, Donatella Versace, and Buzzfeed, I hereby crown thee “Baddest in the Land.” You took the quiz twice, and you are DOUBLE APPROVED as a Verified Bad Bitch (Parental Warning). You’re like a major bad bitch, only answering to yourself and not hesitating to cut people – metaphorically or literally – out of your life. Love that about you! You’re a good friend and when people ask about you, they tend to hear “Oh. They’re really nice once you get to know them.” You may, however, want to be a littttle more sensitive about how your actions rub against other people, because the only thing stickier than that Agave Nectar you’re putting in your tea (which is like sooo much more healthy than honey and legit tastes ‘zing) is a bad reputation. Mhmm. Love you and I like soo wouldn’t want to see you get hurt or feel alone. So follow your heart, be sceney, tap it back, but also remember to be cognizant of other people. M’kay? You’re my baddest bitch – my favorite bitch – so don’t you forget it!

I crown you…

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Are You REALLY A Bad Bitch?

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