I, The Immigrant

There is no more cringe-inducing word than “hola,” particularly when it is articulated between gargles and gulps of light beer. For being the most widely known word in Spanish (its popularity often competing with “si,” and “uno, dos, tres” or phrases of the likes of “uno poquito español”), it comes as a surprise that “hola” has been transfigured from greeting into a grunt. A long-winded kind of grunt, one that is sort of reminiscent to a phlegm.

Party City

In a land where mid-calf socks and sunglass neck straps pervade the visual landscape, one has to find novel ways to attune to the campus culture. If I cannot resign myself to wearing leggings and Southern Tide shirts, I might as well embrace the small recognitions of my Spanish-speaking self. I’ll take “hola” any day over the Mexican-themed aisle at Party City. Not to say that I won’t Instagram it in a self-congratulatory gesture of sarcasm, but still, it’s 2017 – who buys donkey-shaped sunglasses and a pair of maracas? Maybe social functions in North Carolina would be more fun if they weren’t modeled after stores located at Strip Malls.

North Carolina doesn’t deserve a terrible rep, though. After moving from Mexico City to Davidson two and a half years ago, I have found that my endearing college town of one hundred people and my College of five have gone to great extents to diversify. A Mexican restaurant opened on our block-long Main Street and it’s not awful. The other day, I tried to buy wine using my legitimate Mexican voting ID and the cashier’s reaction was “this is hilarious!” – a nice change of pace from “what the hell is this shit?” I get at the local dive bar. My ID has been turned down in all of the aforementioned cases

Also, liberal arts colleges are fun! After one’s soul is done reveling in the abyss of critical literary theory, getting viscerally excited about finding the perfect postcolonial text to translate, and listening to the Putin dance song John Oliver highly recommended, one has to blow off some steam. This process of relaxation, on better days, involves a healthy combination of drinks, awkward parties in which people just look at each other, and self-loathing. On slower days, it involves generating #relatable content on social media. I recently created a missing person ad for my big toenail, which was severed and lost at a party. The feedback I’ve received is humbling

So what does one hyper-aware Mexican woman do in the age of identity politics, Trump, Lil’ Yachty, Tasty, and Tom Brady still winning super bowls? My go-to answer involves consuming industrial amounts of smoked fish, watching an episode of Seinfeld every day, and secretly but not so secretly indulging in the accuracy of every single “Just Latina Things” post that pops up on my newsfeed. This, unfortunately, is an unsatisfying answer. I’m well aware that my love for smoked fish and Larry David in a cape is not universal. However, I have crafted a list of tips for I, the immigrant, to keep myself occupied during the remaining tenure of my college career.

Insert yourself in anything Donald Trump all the time

Last year during 5 de Mayo, Donald Trump – unfortunately now known as @POTUS – tweeted a gracious and welcoming message to the Hispanic community in the United States. This relevant piece of not-so-current events captured popular intrigue and made us think: is this real life or am I living in a ClickHole article about cabbages?

Do it again

Me

This story was followed by other stories of greater tragic magnitude, including, but not limited to, Trump’s election into office. Again, LOL. In an effort to grapple with the myriad undesired situations that Trump embodies, I have made it a priority to really “get out there,” and channel my dismay with a healthy dose of self- parody.

Ask the right questions

Or at least find people online who have and are also concerned about the state of affairs in their country, its demographics, and linguistics in general.

Stay informed

Share your favorite articles from The New Yorker and hope that people back home don’t mistake The Borowitz Report for legitimate stories.

Maintain an affective relationship with the motherland

Make tacos, tortas, and tamales your featured photos on Facebook, share pictures of Peña Nieto wearing booty shorts next to Justin Trudeau, hate Peña Nieto for the right reasons, and religiously observe your childhood being recreated on Buzzfeed México

Get into the habit of liking smoked fish

Herring in wine sauce and smoked salmon have gotten me through the toughest of times. Highly recommend, 10/10.

Say "Hola" back

Actually, don’t. Don’t ever say hola back if you have learned and can articulate myriad greetings in English. I didn’t learn to say “howdy” for nothing.