1. Oooh, there’s low lighting in here, good.
2. Am I making too much eye contact?
3. Am I making not enough eye contact?
4. Am I looking at the right eye or the left eye for too long?
5. Are they staring at my zit?
6. Oh no, they definitely noticed my zit.
7. Why did I even agree to this?
8. I hope I don’t say something stupid.
9. Especially that one stupid thing.
10. I said the stupid thing.
11. Now I can’t stop thinking about the stupid thing.
12. What do I say next?
13. Eeeesh, I just used the phrase “born and raised.”
14. Is it OK to be silent for this long?
15. Why don’t I know any good stories?
16. Has literally nothing ever happened in my life that I have no stories?
17. OH WAIT, I remember the one time that—
18. Wait, is that story OK to tell on a first date?
19. I want to go to the bathroom, but if I leave my phone on the table, are they going to check it?
20. I am so aware of the passing of time right now.
21. Why is my mouth so dry?
22. I’m so hungry.
23. I could be at home right now.
24. What if I pretended to take a phone call, walked outside the bar, and then just kept walking until I got on the train?
25. I don’t think I want another drink.
26. Oh, they’re ordering another drink. I guess I’ll have another drink.
27. Wait, they’re talking about their ex. I guess exes are on the table.
28. But not, like, on the table — whoops, where is my mind right now.
29. Wonder if they know that I Googled them beforehand.
30. Did they Google me?
31. Don’t mention anything you found out about them when you Googled them.
32. Too late.
33. Did I just laugh too loud?
34. I’m legit hungry, but I have to keep asking questions.
35. Oh no, do I have food in my teeth now?
36. Oh my god, THEY have food in their teeth! Should i say something? But now i’ve waited too long, it’ll be weird.
37. I thought it was cold in here, so why am I sweating?
38. I’m so sweaty.
39. Are they going to finish that?
40. Should I ask for a bite?
41. Nothing is going wrong, why am I not more into this.
42. Why did I ask that? I’m not even interested in the answer to that.
43. Is there a subtle way to pick a wedgie?
44. I am so uncomfortable.
45. We’re literally talking about the weather… thrilling.
46. This is not going well.
47. But is it actually?
49. When will this be over?
50. Should I order another drink?
51. How many drinks is three drinks?
52. Wait. I’m drunk.
53. How bad is it to be drunk on a first date?
54. Am I being a bummer?
55. Thank god, there’s the check.
56. Do we split it? What’s gonna happen? Oh GOD.
57. PHEW, we’re splitting it.
58. Do I give them a hug? A kiss?
59. I think my hand accidentally grazed their crotch.
60. I can’t wait to do this again!
61. What is wrong with me?