byryanmcbride
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A Modest Proposal To End Mass Shootings
With two more deadly shootings on college campuses only one week after the tragedy in Oregon, now is the time to demand that something be done about this awful trend. It is not the time to complain about politicizing the matter, nor is it the time for hand wringing and half-measures. No, we have to make a strong, decisive move. We must enact legislation, and we must do it at once. We must ban colleges. The idea that, in this world of ever present threats by Mentally Disturbed Individuals, or MDI’s for short, we just allow ourselves and our children to congregate in these open, unsecured areas for sometimes hours at a time, is just insane. You may be shocked to learn that many college students don’t even carry the most basic sidearm; some wear no body armor at all, and most colleges have woefully inadequate areal surveillance. The fact that millions of Americans leave their homes and enter the field of combat every day with no intel, no situational awareness, poor equipment and inadequate training, is absurd. Let’s face it: the college, as an institution, belongs to another time. A safer time, before the Enemy, and His Legions of MDIs, made such shocking territorial advances across the nation. Now we must accept that all of the training our personnel currently receive at a college can be completed via computer in their bunkers at home. Simply getting rid of these antiquated institutions would save lives. It’s true that the university was a great way to learn skills and share ideas when this nation was founded; but we must realize that in those days the Enemy used muskets which could only fire a few rounds per minute. Now that assault rifles let a single shooter inflict such heavy casualties, it just doesn’t make sense to allow ourselves to gather in public places like college campuses. Since it would be unconstitutional to try and reduce the availability of guns, the only sane recourse is to alter our tactics to reduce their impact. Just as we would all say that making sure females wear adequate protective clothing eliminates rape, we can eliminate these tragic mass shootings by removing the temptation of an easy target. We must enact strict laws against venues that crowd personnel together like fish in a barrel. Movie theaters, classrooms, music halls and museums must go. Churches and football stadiums will have to remain open, but there should be strict regulations ensuring the placement of defensive snipers at key positions surrounding all potential targets. Potential MDIs must be proactively identified and eliminated before they can cause damage. We must ramp up our surveillance and domestic counterinsurgency measures. We must embrace the use of drone strikes and allow extraordinary rendition of those whose internet communications indicate possible Mental Disturbance. The MDIs want to destroy our nation, our beliefs and our way of life. They are using our most cherished freedom, the freedom to shoot things, against us. We must not allow them to win.
This Is What Would Happen If Marilyn Monroe Covered "Can't Feel My Face"
Artist Molly Marlette's cover of "Can't Feel My Face" is a sultry take on The Weekend's hit. It's Old Hollywood meets current pop.