13 Things You Won't Find In Your Christmas Stocking

Chances are that you won’t get everything you want this Christmas. Sorry about that. However, Three have some great deals, so you can treat yourself to something you really want this Christmas.

1. Superhuman recovery powers.

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Forget Wolverine; how nice would it be if you could just wake up and be all like, “*ding* I’m now totally fine and fresh and about to go to the gym”? So nice.

2. A note from HR entitling you to some more holiday days.

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Which is a shame because you really need them – that television isn't going to watch itself.

3. A way to erase all those terrible dates you went on in college.

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“A first date to an open-mike slam poetry event, you say? Sure... That sounds fun.”

4. A big, delicious cake.

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Let’s be serious for a moment. Can you imagine how great it’d be to wake up to a huge cake in an oversized novelty sock?

5. Your misspent youth.

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Sure, some would call playing Metal Gear Solid all day, every day a decent use of your time, but perhaps you could’ve learned a language or something instead. Probably would’ve taught you some more easily applicable real-life skills.

6. A magical Santa sleigh.

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Do you even know how much time that would take off your morning commute? (Answer: Loads and loads.)

7. The sheer joy of being a kid.

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Unless you can somehow stuff the notion of "wonderment at literally everything" and "endless energy" in there. In which case, fair play to you, sir.

8. The ability, on demand, to be precisely the right amount of ill to get out of awkward social engagements.

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"I'd love to come to meet your parents, but I've got one of those seven-hour fevers that are going around..." (No need for the rubbish scarf, though.)

9. World peace.

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Well, maybe for your birthday.

10. A lump of coal.

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You know, because you've been AWESOME this year.

11. The ability to have Christmas whenever we want.

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We'd get no work done, and society would eventually crumble, but at least it'd still be cosy and festive.

12. An entire Christmas dinner.

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Already cooked, so you don't have to. The dream.

13. And an escape route.

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You're on your own thinking up that one, but, word to the wise, it's always good to have one, even from a gathering with your (mostly) loved ones.

Have a happy Christmas, from Three.