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Everyone’s fantasy of what happiness looks like is different, isn’t it? And mine is having the least amount of responsibilities and obligations on my plate.
Kids, without question, fall into the “responsibilities and obligations” category, and I don’t want them served on my allegorical “happy platter.” No thank you. I’ve got enough problems, so I don’t need a new pile of ‘em thanks to the brand spankin’ new human being I’ve yanked out of my hoo-ha.
I don’t want children. Like at all.
The same way I’m undeniably adamant with you, dear reader, about how passionate I am about living a childfree life is the same energy I bring to first dates when the ol’ “Do you want kids?” question comes up.
I prefer to bring up my childfree lifestyle right away so I don’t waste anyone’s time, you know?
But for some strange reason, "breeder men," as I like to call 'em, NEVER believe me when I say I don’t want kids. Here are the three ridiculous types of men I’ve encountered this year while dating.
The “You’ll Eventually Change Your Mind” Type
So one day, I met a guy for a date at a delicious eatery in New York City. I’m wolfing down my "Angry Pasta," and he’s slobbering all over his "Spiked Caesar Salad."
Now I'm not saying the date was “Oh my god, I wish I had a friend on standby to fake an emergency” bad, but it definitely wasn’t “I want to see him again ... for like the rest of my life” good either.
“Do you want to have kids?” I asked. “Yeah,” he said. “I don’t,” I replied.
And there goes that look that’s a perfect mélange of curiosity and confusion that’s plastered all over his face – I call it the “curfusion face.” I see it all the time when I discuss my childfree ways.
“WHY do you not want to have kids?” he asked.
“I want to be as happy as possible and that means having less weight on my shoulders,” I replied. And he nodded with an expression that seemed to say, "Okay, I guess that makes sense."
“Why do you WANT kids?” I shot back.
“I, er, I guess I want to have a legacy. You know, continue my last name and shit,” he replied.
Describing the so-easy-a-caveman-can-do-it act of jizzing a load in someone’s cooch to beget a baby as a “legacy” seems rather vainglorious, no? I mean come on, they call the technological impact of Steve Jobs a “legacy,” as well as the influence of Martin Luther King Jr. a “legacy.” Your local family pizzeria that’s been serving the community for decades is a "legacy."
But he wants to bestow the “legacy” word on his ability to breed? Er, okay.
Just call it what it is. You want to keep the family name going, and that’s fine with me! It just won’t be my womb you’ll be using, good sir!
So after the date, I went home and didn’t expect him to contact me again. And why would he? He wants kids and I don't … right?
Wrong! He texts me the next day and says that he really enjoyed the date and all, and that he’d like to see me again. Huh?!
“But wait – we want completely different paths in life. I want to be childfree and you want to reproduce, so what the hell?”
I KID YOU NOT! He says ...
You know what, fuck it, I actually have a screenshot of the text message so y’all can see I’m not making this shit up.
Okay so why the flying fuck would you continue to date someone “HOPING” that they change their mind about kids – WHAT IF THEY DON’T?! Could you imagine if I continued dating breeders just “HOPING” that they just so HAPPEN to decide they want to become childfree one day? What the fuck kind of backwards thinking is that?!
Oh, and then there’s the …
“I Secretly Want Kids, But I Don’t Want to Admit it” Type
This one is the worst type I’ve experienced thus far because I actually got into an official relationship with one thinking that they, like me, desired to be childfree.
But then I'd spot red flags that made me side-eye him to high hell.
When he’d see me interact with little kids, he’d start to turn into a mushy mess and burst into an annoying singsong of, “AWWWWW!” I may not want any in my house, but that doesn’t mean that some kids aren’t total cuties with squeezable cheeks. Seeing him melt every time I played with children made me question if he truly did want to be childfree, but meh, I let it go.
And finally, he said one thing that made me realize he’s a closeted breeder: “Gee, after playing around with the neighbor’s kids, I wouldn’t mind the thought of being a dad one day.”
“Wha! Wait? So you want kids? WTF, why didn’t you tell me?!” I said.
“Well, I thought I could deal with not having kids ‘cause I really liked you, so I tried to bite the bullet, but I need to stop lying to myself and you – I do want kids.”
This infuriated me. “If you truly want kids, why would you put me in a position where I’d be the target of your resentfulness after you realize I’ve ‘deprived’ you of your dream of being a father? What the fuck!”
And lastly, I’ve encountered the …
“How Could You NOT Want Kids?! You’re a Woman” Type
Some men lack empathy when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. So I like to put ‘em in women’s shoes for once.
"Look dude. Imagine this. For like 9 months."
“But but but! You’re a woman! You’re supposed to WANT to be nurturing and want to bear children!” they sputter.
You can’t ever rationalize with the “You’re a woman, so you’re supposed to [insert stereotypical female bullshit]” types. So I find it’s best to remind them that they’d be better off seeking a likeminded breeder than trying to convince a childfree woman to go through hell in back for nine months for a misogynistic ass. It’s not going to happen, buddy.
Yeaaaaaaaah, so if you guys happen to find a childfree man in NYC who is between the 27 to 33 age range, also known as a unicorn, let me know! I’m definitely going to need some help!
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