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What’s the big idea with relationshits - er, I mean "relationships" - and why the hell are people so desperate to be in one? Everyone around me is literally all like ...
And I’m just sitting there like … “Wha – is it that serious?!”
All I can ask is, “I mean, have you guys BEEN in relationships?" They’re overrated AF! I've been in two of them, and PLEASE, spare me with the the “But you’ve probably just been in subpar relationships!” bullshit.
FALSE! The men I’ve been with were stand-up guys. They were respectful, loyal, romantic, and everything else people put on their lists when they fantasize about the “perfect man.”
But I was still standing there through these relationships scratching my head like … “IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE ARE CRYING THEIR EYES OUT FOR?” No wait - let me be "trendier" with my incredulousness! “IS THIS WHAT Y’ALL DESPERATE FOR?!”
First of all, I know I’m about to incite a collective shocked *gasp" all around the world for saying this, but fuck it … SEX IS OVERRATED! There are people who would actually give their left nut and right arm for sex, but as for me, I;d pay my partner to NOT have sex with me.
I'd rather stick my head in a high-powered blender, AND HIT THE 'CRUSH ICE' BUTTON, than do the vertical dirty hokey pokey.
Wait, I have more. I’d rather have Ray Charles drive me down a speedy freeway at 150mph – without his hands on the steering wheel – than have sex.
I’d even rather have a "Freaky Friday" switch with Bill Cosby during the latter years of his old, pathetic, jail-bound life than have sex.
That’s how much I DON’T understand the hype! Go ‘head and say, “But Kim! You just haven’t someone who knows how to sex you down right!”
So WTF am I supposed to do? FORCE myself to endure bad sex ‘til I find someone who can give me some modicum of enjoyment from it? Please refer to the aforementioned three things I’d rather do than have sex.
And you know, with sex not being my thang and all, and it being, like, a requirement on most people’s lists when it comes to relationships, you can IMAGINE my misery! I keep thinking to myself, “Oh my god. If I married this guy, THIS is what I’d have to do for the rest of my life?!"
Second of all, I LOVE my space. Maybe it’s because I’ve been an only child all my life, but having someone cuddled up on me for more than 45 minutes makes me feel like I’m suffocating.
Like it’s sweet and all that you enjoy my company, but I need AIR TO BREATHE AND SPACE TO MOVE!
Thirdly, I’m low maintenance as all fuck and men are “visual creatures” and shit. Most want you to “stay hot” as much as possible – even ‘til you’re like 82 - and always “be on,” but what the fuck, sometimes I just want to be lazy and ugly, so leave me the hell alone!
I know some people are all like ...
Sure Jan. If he could press a please-make-my-partner-fartless-and-start-shaving-again button, he definitely would!
I feel like I’m in "The Truman Show" film. Everyone's walkin’ around like robots “Must find partner. Must be in relationship,” and I’m looking around like, “Am I the only one here who doesn’t see what’s the big fucking deal with relationships?”
“But Kim, dOn’t yOu WaNt a lifelong CoMpaNion?”
That’s why friends exist, no? And the best part is that they go home at the end of the night and I don’t have to have sex with them.
“But KiM, dO yOu rEallY wAnT to DiE aLoNE?”
What – is my partner going to hop into the casket with me? And not to mention, statistically, men die before their female partners, so chances are high I’ll end up dying alone for the remainder of my years ANYWAY. And again – FRIENDS. Who, if I haven’t mentioned it before, I don’t have to have sex with!
Maybe I’m the only one who smiles longingly with anticipation when someone says, “You’re going to be alone for the rest of your life!” Gee ... that sounds SOoO awful.
I know I’m bound to run into angry people with pitchforks, “WEEELL I’VE BEEN WITH MY PARTNER FOR 15 YEARS, AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE BEST THING EVER, and bLAH BlAH Blah” in the comment section.
Don't get all your panties in a bunch, please!
I’m happy for you and your long-standing love. But, sorry, I simply have a different opinion. And I will never understand all the hoopla with relationships. They're great, but they're not THAT great.
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