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Which Jake Are You?

The greatest quiz of the century.

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  1. There's a pretty girl in one of your classes. You decide you want to flirt with her. What do you do next?

    Correct
    Incorrect
    Introduce yourself, have a meaningful conversation about happy childhood memories and life aspirations, politely exchanging contact info and sending cute texts in addition to occasional romantic letters (roses included). Known to plan spontaneous romantic
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Ask how many squats she can do and get a mutual friend to hook you two up.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Verify her commitment to fitness by asking her about her workout routine, as well as her protein preferences.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Artfully craft well-timed Facebook messages, and proceed to slide faster than that time you slid down the cement slides in Golden Gate Park on fresh wax paper.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Ask her about her opinions regarding capitalism (if she says anything along the lines of "fuck capitalism," 3 strikes and she's out). Extra point deduction for veganism.
  2. You visit a local psychic because you believe in ghosts and stuff. The psychic has you look into a glass orb, and you see 20 years into the future. What do you see?

    Correct
    Incorrect
    Married to a lovely woman who acts as the Claire to my Phil Dunphy; father of beautiful children who I play catch with and mentor with substantive conversations about business.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    In the corner of the New York Stock Exchange, 3/4 intoxicated while curled up in the fetal position after a day of trading that was so profitable, I nearly passed out.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Competing on yet another season of Survivor. Commanding respect from the others like Jack in ABC's hit series, Lost. Astoundingly surviving with 0% body fat on a diet of strictly wild boar meat and coconut water.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    CEO of J. Crew, successfully executing my passion for cashmere and fine suits. Currently enjoying the holiday in Cyprus with my 3rd Eastern European bride, Svetlana.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Toasted out of my mind in Macau, finessing the blackjack table like Ryan Gosling finessed Emma Stone in La La Land. Surrounded by three models who were strangers before my casino success, one of which was likely the one who pick pocketed me and stole my b
  3. You just returned from your business travels in East Asia, and you're desperately hungry. What do you decide to eat?

    Correct
    Incorrect
    Poached eggs and avocado toast! (Anything I can share with my best friend <3).
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I personally won't eat anything, but I'll smell your baked goods so I can get the sugar rush.
    Correct
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    A fat 12 oz NY strip steak and spinach.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    A pristine kaiseki meal complimented by the finest sake of the prefacture.
    Correct
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    Something with lots of carbs.
  4. Your secretary opens the penthouse office door. A young man walks in with a clip-on tie and proceeds to offer his perspective on how your business can be managed more effectively. How do you respond?

    Correct
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    "Thank you for your expressed interest in the company. I appreciate and value you. I'll see what I can do."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "I want you to get a box. Then put all of your things in it. You're fired."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Not another word: if you don't like red meat or believe in the free market, get the fuck out of my office."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Proceeds to offer young man a seat: *sits across from young man in identical armchairs, yet removes his cushion beforehand, so he sits below you*... let the negotiation begin #powermovesonly
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Come here man! I love you!"
  5. After a killer day on the stock market, you wish to relax on the Roche Bobois sofa and watch television. What do you pick to watch?

    Correct
    Incorrect
    The Bachelor
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Band of Brothers
    Correct
    Incorrect
    UFC 205: Alvarez vs. McGregor
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Mad Men
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    Incorrect
    New Girl
  6. Which iconic embodiment of man do you most closely identify with?

    Correct
    Incorrect
    Noah Calhoun (The Notebook)
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Jordan Belfort (The Wolf of Wall Street)
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Bruce Lee
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Steve McQueen: The King of Cool
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Don Draper (Mad Men)
  7. You walk around the room and notice many plebs, but also some people you like. Who do you surround yourself with?

    Correct
    Incorrect
    People who enjoy heartfelt conversations and people named Bonnie
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Jared Ticktin and other mates from the soccer team
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Nobody, I'm fucking lifting
    Correct
    Incorrect
    People who dress well and smell nice; people who can appreciate high-end design, as well as organic produce
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    Incorrect
    Anyone and everyone, including god
  8. You are a young Jake, ruthlessly climbing his way up the corporate ladder. Before you end your interview with the big man, he asks you to "describe yourself in 3 words." What do you answer?

    Correct
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    Sweet, thoughtful, romantic
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Shameless, thirsty, obnoxious
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    Incorrect
    Animalistic, savage, carnivorous
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Charming, debonair, eloquent
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Goofy, unfiltered, toasted
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