1. Coiffed Mom
She’s singlehandedly keeping Lululemon stock prices high, and will show off her perky fake breasts and taut butt in resplendent matching color. Like a peacock, she is meant for show. Look for her to slowly pedal the elliptical while casting glances at herself in the mirror.
2. Clueless Mom
She knows she should be there. She made a resolution to be there. But she hasn’t been there since flared jeans went off trend and is totally thrown by the equipment. Note her downcast eyes and apologetic smile when she bumps into you while wandering the machine area for the fourth time.
3. Kick Ass Mom
She does CrossFit and masters the TRX machine like Streep delivering a Golden Globes speech. She sweats profusely and doesn’t wear makeup. This mom is not taking crap from any of you, and she cares not what you think. This is the mom you are usually shocked to see fawning over toddler twins while gathering them from the gym day care after a 2 hour sweat-a-thon. She’s. Just. Boss.
4. Millenial Mom
Her stretchy pants are made of eco-friendly material farmed by local nuns and former drug lords. She snaps pics for IG while holding up her shirt to expose a terrifically toned mid-section in the mirror. She let’s you know immediately that there is a running/meditating/HTML coding combo class you would love, and that her child’s name is Mildred or Maximillian. She loves Snapchat and isn’t afraid to use it on the stationary bike. Her husband has a beard (or is desperately trying to grow one.)
5. Barely There Mom
She’s tired. Reals tired. Her sweatpants hang awkwardly off of her questionable waist and there are milk stains down the back of her husband’s old t-shirt. She’s not here to work out. She’s here to put her kid in the gym day care and take a nap in the stretching area. She might even be seen lurking in the shower area, possibly shaving her legs and giving her hair a blow dry in the locker room. Give this mom a hug, she needs it.
6. Social Mom
She and her posse come for the spinning classes and go for midday margarita’s afterwards. Her nanny has the kids and she’s ready to party. Her seat is gel, her clothes are matching, her attitude is perky. This mom wants to have a blast and see other grownup humans, even if she has to work out a bit to do so. *Be warned, these are PTA moms who will recruit you to help out with something at the school. Approach with caution.
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- North Korea threatened Australia with a nuclear strike over its alliance with the United States.