1. The 12-Year-Old Driver
2. Washing Machine Cooler
"I used the washing machine as the beer cooler for a sleepover, filled it with ice and beer, waited for them to leave, and drank and drained it all before they returned."
3. Taking Flight
"Boy, oh boy, do I have a great story about accidentally taking mushrooms before a flight for you..."
4. Grandma's Diamonds
"When I was in fifth grade, I found my grandmother's diamond wedding bands. I would wear them to school every day but take them off before I got in the car when my mom picked me up. I did that for a couple of months."
—"Can't share that on FB because my mother follows me"
5. Ice Cream Sandwiches
6. Backyard Parking
"I was gonna have my boyfriend over to have the sex while my parents were away, but I didn't want the neighbors to see a strange car in the driveway next to our extra car. So, with what I thought was a brilliant move, I parked his car in the driveway and moved our car to the backyard.
"Then we had the sex. THEN I LOST THE KEYS TO OUR CAR.
"He left. My parents came home. They either believed my terrible excuse about having a friend over and not wanting other friends to drive by and see that we were hanging out without them, or they were too busy trying to help me find the keys."
—"Keep anon and change the name? thx."
7. The Ornament
"I broke my dad's beloved ceramic Mighty Mouse Christmas tree ornament. Broke the foot right off. I was nine. I thought I was going to die by his hand. I am happy to report that I chose fight instead of flight. Never felt so focused in my life. I found a hot glue gun, reattached the foot, sanded off the extra glue, and repainted the fucked-up ankle. He didn't notice for 11 years."
8. Siblings in the Bahamas
"My sister took a trip to the Bahamas without telling our parents...and she would have gotten away without anyone in the family ever knowing, EXCEPT she ran into my brother, who was also in the Bahamas (parents knew about his trip). He sent a pic to my other brother and me saying, 'Don't tell Mom.'"
—"They still don't know, so..."
9. Big Parties and Pool Table Sex
10. "Food Poisoning"
"I drank half a fifth of green-apple vodka at a concert my senior year of high school and got kicked out after projectile vomiting on the row of people behind me. When I got home super early, I told my mom I had food poisoning from a pizza restaurant and went straight to bed."
—"I think I got away with it. Please don't tell her about this."
11. Behind the Door
"I was staying at home with my parents the summer after my freshman year of college. The night before my birthday, my girlfriend asked if she could stay over since we were taking a trip the next day. She parked her car at the church up the street, and I picked her up. I snuck her into my bedroom through the downstairs door.
"We woke up the next morning with my dad knocking and yelling at me to open up. Meanwhile, my girlfriend was naked in the bed next to me, completely mortified. I told her to hide behind the door, unlocked the door, and had a 15-minute conversation with my dad while my naked girlfriend stood right on the other side.
"When we left for our trip, I had her run through the woods to get to my car in the driveway, and she lay down on the floorboard while I drove away, my mom waving from the door saying, 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!'"
—"They can never know that happened. Keep it anonymous."
12. The Passcode
13. Sleepwalking or...
"The night before I left for law school, I got so drunk I pissed down the steps of my boyhood home. To this day, my parents believe I was sleepwalking."
14. Not Not Home for Spring Break
"One time, I told my parents I wasn't coming home for spring break, but I did, and I stayed the whole week at my friend's house that was two blocks from my parents' house. Everywhere I went, I had to keep an eye out for them."
15. Just Like Regular Chickens
"One time, I had family dinner with my parents while tripping my balls off on shrooms. I had dosed earlier in the day, and it was several hours later, and I thought I was cool to mingle with society. I was horribly mistaken.
"Mom made fried chicken, and while the meal was great, I couldn't stop having Eraserhead-esque visions on the plate with the mantra 'Just like regular chickens' repeating through my head. How they never caught on, I'll never know."
—"Yeah, please keep this one anonymous."