I Just Wanted to Rant About It
No, I'm not on a drug of any kind; it isn't that type of relapse. Drug or not, I believe addiction is painful and recovering is even worse. It can be anything as small as an addiction to texting a toxic person or as large as a deadly drug; addiction hurts. To explain I've struggled with self-harm since I was twelve and I'm now twenty. Honestly, I can't remember what started it. I've never felt comfortable expressing my emotions to my family. I always felt negative sentiment was wrong to them and just the fear it would get me in trouble made me terrified to feel sad or mad or negativity in general. I always felt the feelings burdened my friends especially when they started finding out about my addiction. Now that I'm older I understand a teenager isn't meant to know how to deal with such a thing as self-harm. The same goes for my parents who to this day don't understand why I do it. I remember they'd go as far as to say I could get my license if I just stopped. I'd do anything to not think about it whenever I felt something negative. Do you know how much negativity a college student feels? The point is I spent a year bottling up emotions. From the stress of not knowing what I want to do with my life, to being lonely in a city by myself where I don't know anyone, to continuously fighting with my boyfriend. I just never felt like I was enough, always felt worthless. I was embarrassed to admit I was struggling because I'm an adult now, I should have it under control. Right? Shouldn't I still struggle with my teenage angst right? I kept it up for a year, suppressing all these emotions and thoughts. I never wanted to burden anyone and was too embarrassed to admit what was wrong, to begin with. My friends see me as the strong one, the adult one. This is because I always find a way to pull through my tough situations, I never sit and cry about it; at least not in front of anyone. After relapsing tonight, I realized maybe if I would have allowed myself to be vulnerable if I would have admitted I wasn't ok maybe I wouldn't have to feel the shame I do now. I know tomorrow I'm going to wake up and be angry at myself for not being strong enough, for letting my inner demons win for a night. I know I'll walk around embarrassed and paranoid someone will figure out I'm not as put together as I appear. The evidence is clear on my skin, but I know that eventually, I'll beat this. I'll open up to friends and eventually family and work through it, that I'm more than a self-harmer. I don't know if anyone will read this or if it will help at all; I wrote this because I wanted to get my emotions out. I wanted to tell someone even if it is strangers. Deep down I know I'm not alone in this struggle, and I hope that it'll inspire someone to reach out. Even if it's just to me.
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