23 Wildly Entertaining Wedding-Night Stories From Real People
"The closest thing to an orgasm I had was taking off my bra at the end of a long day."
1. The couple who rewarded themselves with treats:
"We did, and then ate Taco Bell and leftover wedding cupcakes. It was great!"
—Caitlin Dwyer McDonnell, Facebook
2. The couple who got interrupted by the crimson wave:
"Nope! We got back to the room and I discovered that I had started my period. So my brand new husband ran to the store for tampons. Romance!"
3. The couple who got a little too heated:
"We had a room booked at the Four Seasons in Chicago, but my husband got heat stroke, so he passed out on the bed while I alternated taking care of him and sitting by the window overlooking downtown Chicago and enjoying the complimentary chocolate-covered strawberries and champagne."
—Julia Frederickson, Facebook
4. The couple who wasted no time:
"Yes we did! We got married at a motorcycle rally, had the ceremony, jumped on the bike, took a ride, and came back to our campground. We rocked the camper for a while, then put our clothes back on and partied!"
—Jennie Stilton, Facebook
5. The couple who brought their own ~special sauce~ to McDonald's:
"I really didn't expect to, but after taking out all of my bobby pins, I couldn't really imagine going to bed without having sex with my new husband. It was great. In the morning, we went to McDonald's with a few friends for breakfast and I had cum in my hair. Best wedding ever."
6. The couple who's made a tradition out of their wedding night blunder:
"We spent the night heavily drinking and playing blackjack. I threw up so much and so hard that at one point I wound up throwing up and heaving so hard that I also pooped on the rug. I cleaned up with every towel, sheet, pillow case and linen I could find, and then I threw the linens outside someone else's door. I covered the stain with the couch and didn't tell my husband — until the next year, when we went back to Vegas for our first anniversary. He found the story hysterical, but it became exponentially more funny when we serendipitously got the same exact suite and found the stains still there."
7. The couple who at least managed one kind of orgasm:
"No, we were way too tired! The closest thing to an orgasm I had was taking off my bra at the end of a long day!"
8. The couple who made it a group activity:
"Nope! We had been so busy making the rounds that we forgot to eat, so we went up to our room with a few friends, ordered pizza, and played Cards Against Humanity until 3 a.m. Best wedding night ever!!"
9. The couple who got to watch a fertility dance:
"We had a beautiful outdoor wedding in June, and my dear husband wanted to spend our wedding night in a huge teepee. When we retired to our accommodations, I noticed that there was like a three foot gap from the ground to the edge of the teepee. Our air mattress was completely exposed to onlookers. Then my husband's drunk aunts began a fertility dance around the teepee. There was chanting."
10. The couple who may have gotten an extra in-law:
"We were pretty drunk on our wedding night and ended up passing out immediately. My mom and the best man hooked up downstairs on our couch, though!"
11. The couple who showed the room service guy a little too much:
"We thought we had plenty of time while we waited on our room service to arrive. However, our burgers came early, so my new husband had to 'belt it' with his boxers and get the door. FYI, boxers don't work out so great for 'belting it.' When the room service guy looked down, there was the tip of my husband's one-eyed monster staring at him... a story he enjoys telling at any gathering of more than two people."
—Sarah Vetrano, Facebook
12. The couple who had to deal with a wounded penis:
"The night before, my husband and I were 'getting it on' and (don't ask how) I accidentally scratched my husband on the tip of his penis. He was bleeding for an hour. We couldn't have sex for three days. Oops!"
—Morgyn Nabors Starr, Facebook
13. The couple who really made their first time count:
"We waited until that night to experience our 'first time.' In fact, our first kiss was at the altar in front of our guests. Our first time? Perfect. I literally couldn't have dreamed it better. We've been married six and a half years and I'm grateful that our first night together started off our marriage in such an incredible way."
14. The couple who did it in spite of vomit everywhere:
"I was seven weeks pregnant when we got married. We drove home after the reception, I opened the car door, and BOOM — instant vomit. I cried because I bought the lingerie and everything. He was super sweet about it, but I was so stubborn that I brushed my teeth, put on the stupid outfit, and did it anyway. It was some of the worst sex ever, but I couldn't NOT do it on my wedding night. We eventually made up for it."
15. The couple who got Jesus's approval:
"My wedding night ended up with the entire wedding party, including guests, waving us off to our room (our reception was at a hotel and we stayed there that night). Right before we entered, my husband looked down on the guests and screamed, 'Jesus said we can do it. We're gonna do it.' My dad gave a thumbs up and I went in the room mortified. We did do it... a lot, and everywhere in that room."
16. The couple who got messy:
"My husband and I planned ahead, knowing full well how tired and drunk we would be at the end of the night. So while everyone was lining up for the entrances to the reception, we snuck off to consummate our marriage in the bathroom. Poor guy ended up telling people he had spilled Alfredo sauce on himself for the rest of the night."
17. The couple who didn't waste time removing anything:
"Hell yeah we did. Dress stayed on, bobby pins stayed in, though. It seemed easier!"
—Robyn Webb, Facebook
18. The couple who had an all-out rager:
"We got kicked out of the hotel pool at 1 a.m. with our whole wedding party for doing shots on the kids' playground. Then, my husband and I passed out in our wet swimming suits holding tubes of Pringles. Still was the best night of my life."
19. The couple who spent the night in the ER:
"I waited until my wedding night to have sex. Like literally waited until I was 22 and married! My new husband slipped in the shower on our wedding night and twisted his knee bad. It swelled up to the size of a softball and we spent the night in the ER getting X-rays. No fun for me that night."
20. The couple who found time for a quickie:
"My husband and I stayed up until 3 a.m. opening wedding cards, counting money, eating, and taking out the countless bobby pins. We did manage to sneak in a quickie before we passed out."
21. The couple who had to strip off their clothes and confetti:
"After removing excess bobby pins, it was horrendous getting out of my dress! And then once I did, out fell the bits of confetti. It was a very funny sight, especially when my husband got undressed and he, too, was covered in confetti! We just couldn't stop laughing."
22. The couple who maybe just redefined wedding night goals:
"We had a 22-hour drive to our honeymoon location, so we drove halfway that night and spent the night in a hotel, cuddling, eating Taco Bell, and telling each other every little thing we loved about each other and our special day."
23. The couple who ran into some anatomical issues:
"No! We tried, but it was like trying to fit a marshmallow in a coin slot."
The comments for this post have been edited for length and clarity.