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Oh Man, You Have To Read These Hilariously Terrible Reviews Of “The Emoji Movie”

"It is one of the darkest, most dismaying films I have ever seen."

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It seemed as though not even the vocal talents of luminaries such as Patrick Stewart, Jennifer Coolidge, Maya Rudolph, James Corden, Anna Faris, and the guy who quit Silicon Valley could dredge it out of the dustbin of dubiousness.

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Luckily, some critics had a little fun with their "burn it in hell" reviews, so I rounded up some of the most entertaining ones for your reading pleasure:

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"Please restore my eyes to factory settings. They have seen The Emoji Movie, a new exercise in soulless branding, aimed primarily at little kids."

—Johnny Oleksinski, The New York Post

"Now comes The Emoji Movie, a film that dares to ask 'What goes on in the magical worlds contained within our cell phones?,' a notion that I do not think that anyone has ever pondered for any amount of time outside of those stuck in a focus group at Sony Animation. That is only the first of many problems with this film, a work so completely devoid of wit, style, intelligence or basic entertainment value that it makes that movie based on the Angry Birds app seem like a pure artistic statement by comparison."

—Peter Sobczynski, RogerEbert.com

"Review: The Emoji Movie’ Is Almost as Bad and Brutally Depressing as Everything Else in 2017"

—David Ehrlich, IndieWire

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"A viewer leaves The Emoji Movie a colder person, not only angry at the film for being unconscionably bad, but resentful of it for making them feel angry."

—Charles Bramesco, The Guardian

"It is one of the darkest, most dismaying films I have ever seen, much less one ostensibly made for children. If only my review of this film could be an upside-down-face emoji...This is a film that seems beamed from a near future in which nothing goes right; 'words,' as the kids in the film agree, 'aren’t cool' anymore; and Patrick Stewart making jokes about soft shits is the new prestige TV."

—Emily Yoshida, Vulture

"The only thing worse than the dialogue is the absurd product placement...get ready for The Fidget Spinner Movie or some other 💩."

—Jordan Hoffman, New York Daily News

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"This is nothing but shameless pandering to a demographic that really doesn’t know better...There will be some who excuse this movie for being exactly what it promised to be–a callous cash grab that fully understands what a parent circa 2017 needs to keep the kids contained."

—Bill Gibron, Film Racket

"There are five stages of grief in preparing to watch The Emoji Movie. The first is denial that this actually exists."

—Lindsey Bahr, Associated Press