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Weddings

Guys, The Olympics Need MORE Marriage Proposals, Not Fewer

Diamond rings > Olympic rings.

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No, it's not the cool 3D swag medalists are getting, and it's not the super cool green pool water, either.

Alexander Hassenstein / Getty Images, Adam Pretty / Getty Images

Those are OLD NEWS anyway, losers.

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Unfortunately for these haters, my official and EXTREMELY scientific / mathematical calculations determine there will probably be at least one (1) more proposal before the games end on Sunday. But honestly, there should be WAY more than that. Here are just a few reasons why:

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1. No pole vault pit or Olympic-sized pool of water can hold someone the way their lover can.

Matt Dunham / AP

Will H2O, elixir of life, say "I love you, and you'll never have to eat chicken nuggets alone," to you after you fall into its loving arms? Didn't think so. Smh.

2. A metal disk on a lanyard is cool, but you know what's really cool? A fuckin' ring.

Dmitri Lovetsky / AP

Fact: lanyards are for camp counselors and tour groups made up of elderly people, and that's it!!! Olympic proposals offer athletes a real token of accomplishment. In fact, proposers should start throwing their S.O.'s stupid medal into the Olympic torch and melting them down so they can be turned into engagement rings. At least then the athlete could actually wear the damn thing on the regular.

3. You think winning a medal is impressive? Try winning another human's undying love and affection!!!!

Cameron Spencer / Getty Images

Guys. How often we forget that lots of people can run, but that it is legitimately difficult to find another person who will smell your worst fart and still say they want to spend the rest of their life with you. It doesn't matter that some of these athletes have trained 40+ hours a week for most of their sentient lives for this one moment of global recognition. THEY'RE GONNA GET MARRIED. Medals be damned.

4. And while we're at it, physical strength is obviously very important, but consider how much exercise and control goes into the form of a proposal stance.

Michael Dalder / Reuters

Can we give a motherfucking round of applause for this brave dude who saw his girlfriend achieve her lifelong goal and then immediately stole the spotlight by performing a very difficult one-knee bend whilst reciting a heartfelt speech? Not only that, but he got a fucking 10/10 on form (see above), with bonus points for her saying yes.

5. Because at the end of the day, we may not be able to agree on which country or athlete is best, but we can all agree on love.

AP / Morry Gash

The Olympics have a funny way of uniting the world while inflaming nationalistic pride. A good way to harsh the buzz of global tension and geopolitical nightmares is to punt those other fucking losers off the podium to propose, thereby launching yourself into everyone's heart. Nowhere is that done better than in a wide-open, public proposal. We see your Jumbotron proposals and we raise you a massive, worldwide platform. Boom.

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