I appreciate how Netflix started off the decade by giving us some of the wildest reality tv content. We got The Circle, Love Is Blind, and now we have Too Hot to Handle.
It looks a lot like Love Island, since there's a bunch of hot people together in paradise. But there's a catch – they're not allowed to hook up.
That's right, they can't even kiss!
This sounds like the perfect premise for us singletons to watch when we're quarantining and won't be able to touch anyone for who knows how long. So hey, I feel their pain.
But lucky for them, there's a prize of $100,000 if they don't break the rules. Should be pretty easy to keep it in their pants, right?
The concept is actually pretty similar to Love Is Blind; it's a test to see if by not being able to have sex while getting to know each other, they can form deeper connections. I was curious enough to see how difficult it is for them to not hook up, so I watched the first episode.
So here's a reality show first: The one who sets the rules is a virtual guide named Lana. She's basically an Alexa, but looks more like a diffuser.
Turns out that for the first 12 hours, Lana's going to be watching the contestants *without* letting them know what's up, and gathering data of their actions before announcing the rules. Totally normal, not weird at all!
The first single to come in is Chloe from Essex.
She's 20 years old, a self-proclaimed ditz, and she's giving me some strong Love Island vibes.
The next person is Sharron, a Jersey boy. That means we're getting a mix of Americans and Brits. Interesting!
Sharron says he's a feminist and studies Women and Gender Studies in college. Sounds promising enough, right?
Ugh, seriously?
I've always wondered who the people signing up for Christian Mingle are, and apparently the answer is Sharron.
Um, so Sharron contains multitudes.
Here's Sharron holding a can of air freshener in case you needed a mental image of what it looks like.
The next person to join is Haley from Florida. Between the Essex and Florida energy, this is about to get freakin' lit.
Sharron asked Haley if she has any tattoos and uhhh Haley's tattoo is really *something.*
Can someone please translate her tattoo?
Here's what we know about Haley: she's a sorority girl and she's bi – but when it comes to girls, she's attracted to ones who look like her.
Next up we have David from London and Harry from Queensland, Australia. This show was in desperate need of some "lads," so this should be interesting.
Harry's thing is that he DMs celebrities.
Please don't ever refer to anyone as your "little butter chicken." I am utterly feeling secondhand embarrassment for this boy.
It should be surprising to no one that his success rate with celebs is "absolutely zero."
I seriously question his flirting methods.
Meanwhile, David's being smart and smooth, offering to give the ladies sunscreen. Preventing skin cancer is good so well done!
David says he tries to be a nice guy and try to make his mum proud, so that's good at least.
I'd like to know what bar besides a strip club allows dudes to be shirtless. But okay, sure.
Are we just not going to talk about how there's some random person walking around the beach in the middle of filming a reality show? No? Alrighty.
The newest addition is Francesca, who is Canadian and I'm betting she's a model.
Harry just called her a a "naughty little possum" and he needs to quit it.
Francesca has 310,000 followers on Instagram. She's an influencer and um...that's it. We don't get to learn much about her except that she knows she's hot.
Because every reality show needs a wildcard, here comes Matthew from Colorado. He's wearing the most clothes I've ever seen someone wear at the beach in the summer.
My man is wearing a beanie to the beach. A beanie!
I'm not even going to get into the pants. But, you know what? At least he's the prettiest one yet (to me, at least).
Honestly, big thanks to Chloe for asking him to take off the hat.
Holy shit, he's hot!!!!! As much as I think his outfit is questionable, in the words of Bella Hadid, "homeboy's gonna, like, get it."
Matthew says he's a deep thinker and "thinks about everything," which I guess is fine.
More new arrivals! It's Rhonda from Georgia, and Nicole from Cork, Ireland.
Rhonda, who is stunning, has no confidence issues.
She's not here for scrubs, either.
As for Irish Nicole, she loves to party and went to an all-girls school run by nuns, so she had the Derry Girls experience. She also gets bored of guys after the third date so that should be interesting when you're stuck with guys for weeks.
A new guy's coming! His name is Kelz and he's from London. He definitely has the biggest muscles.
Kelz already seems...intense.
Also, he doesn't really do relationships, but we'll see how he deals with not being able to sleep with anyone for the whole show.
Now we're getting to the "who do you fancy?" part and it feels just like Love Island.
Rhonda is into Sharron and David, which are two of the best guys so far.
I guess Harry's flirting skills somehow worked.
Okay, now I see Harry differently and approve. Much love to my short kings, though!
In case you were wondering, Francesca wants to lick them all.
David's going for Rhonda and he's using his secret weapon.
In case you were wondering, Kelz is definitely the type who refers to himself in third person.
It's time to see their rooms and the girls are so excited. The guys are just chillin'.
Harry made a discovery that little does he know will be absolutely useless.
Lana, the virtual assistant, is just sitting in the room and Rhonda has some theories on what it is.
Oh, Haley...
Rhonda and David are hitting it off and they're actually cute together!
So David pulls his sunscreen move and instead of rubbing it on Rhonda's bright red, super burnt back, he goes for the butt. He completely neglected her back! For fuck's sake, David!!!
Matthew, aka Jesus, is interested in Chloe and he's shooting his shot...kind of. Doesn't really count if you say it while she's running out, dude.
Now Sharron is going for Rhonda so this should be interesting.
They kissed! They're already breaking the rules without knowing but oh well!
They're *really* going for it and it's a lot.
So it turns out that what I refer to as "Goldilocks dick," Harry calls "boyfriend dick."
There's a blindfold game. So this is getting into Love Island territory.
It is hilariously cruel how they're only a couple of hours away from finding out the rules of the game, and their only chance to make out is without knowing who they're kissing.
SHARRON! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, SHARRON?
It's Sharron's turn to be blindfolded and Rhonda's going for it.
David's clearly not okay.
Harry gets his chance to kiss Francesca and he looks like he's about to cry of excitement.
Bold move with the tongue there, buddy!
Francesca was feelin' it!
They decided to have some private time after the game...
Ah yes, the power of being tall and having an accent!
Alexa – errr, Lana turned on so it's about to go down!
If only Star Trek featured half-naked hotties...
Lana is cockblocking Francesca and Harry! We love to see it!
Oooh, she's feisty!
It's time for everyone to officially meet Lana and learn what's up.
Are these men really that horny that they wanna fuck a virtual guide?
Lana told them they've been selected to see if they're capable of developing deep relationships. They're all very confused.
But hey, you can win money! Yay!
Haley has big plans with that prize.
Of course, things aren't that simple.
No kissing, either!
Harry literally looks like he was told his grandma died. Can these people really not keep it in their pants?!
Oh and by the way, the rules also apply to masturbation. So those of us who are quarantining do have a bit of an advantage over them.
I fucking lost it when David and Matthew had to explain what "self-gratification" means. I had to pause it to laugh at Kelz and Sharron's reactions.
Oh and in case they were trying to secretly do anything sexual, that means they put that sweet cash prize in jeopardy.
Chloe has a good plan to stop her from messing up the chance to take the big bucks home.
The preview for the next episode says there's been a breach of the rules...dun dun dun!
There's also another big twist:
First episode verdict: As someone who loves Love Island, I'm a tiny bit sad we couldn't just get a version of Love Island that combines Americans, Brits, and Aussies instead of one where they can't be full-on messy.
But seeing how desperate they are when there's so much at stake is pretty entertaining, too. And really, it's the horny show we deserve while quarantined.
