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The Definitive Ranking Of Phoebe Buffay's Top 40 Songs

♫ Lather, rinse, needed ♫

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Songs are ranked and measured on a scale of 0 to 5 smelly cats.

Disclaimer: "Smelly Cat" is the ultimate Phoebe Buffay song and the measuring stick against which all other Phoebe songs will be rated.


38. "Emma's Birthday Song"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ Emma,

Your name poses a dilemna,

'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma.

Maybe the actor Richard Crenna

(He played the commanding officer in Rambo)

Happy Birthday, Emma! ♫


26. "Another Thing You Don't Wanna Do"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ There'll be times when you get older

When you'll want to sleep with people

Just to make them like you

But don't.

'Cause that's another thing

That you don't wanna do


That's another thing

That you don't wanna do. ♫


Smelly Cat Rating: 3 out of 5

Why? It's honestly one of my favorites: It's catchy, it's laugh-out-loud funny — all in all, it's fantastic. However, Phoebe does have some other stellar tunes, so this one gets 3 smelly cats.


21. "Two of Them Kissed Last Night"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ There was a girl, we'll call her Betty

And a guy, let's call him Neil

Now I can't stress this point too strongly...

This story isn't real.

Now our Neil must decide

Who will be the girl that he casts aside?

Will Betty be the one who he loves truly?

Or will it be the one who we'll call... Loolie?

He must decide, he must decide,

Even though I made him up, he must decide! ♫


Smelly Cat Rating: 3½ out of 5

Why? Gives you a whole new perspective on Tarzan, which is what Phoebe's songs do. They always focus on giving the listener a different, more interesting take on life and love and everything in between.

17. "Heart Attacks"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ It only takes two heart attacks

to finally make you see

one of them won't do it

but the second will set you free

Tell all your hate and anger

it's time to say good-bye

and that is just what I will do

as soon as those bastards I work for die!

La lalala lalalalala la, lalala lalala la la...♫


16. "Sometimes"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ Sometimes men love women

Sometimes men love men,

And then there are bisexuals

Though some just say they're kidding themselves.

La lalala lalalalala la

La la lalala lala la la ♫

Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5

Why? There's a reason why the kids call Phoebe "the singing lady who tells the truth." One of her stronger truth-based songs, this one is a little controversial, but that's what makes her such a unique artist.


Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5

Why? For those familiar with the music of Phoebe Buffay, it's well-known that her music comes from the depths of her heart. It's what defines her. As an artist, it's the tragedies that have shaped her life. This song serves as her stepping-stone to greater things.

Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5

Why? It's one of those pieces that gave strength to those who had been messed with and cheated on by someone they trusted. In the lyrics, people found solace and comfort, learning that they weren't alone in this.

13. "Babies"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,

and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.

Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,

and you cry and you cry and you cry.

And you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry...♫


12. "My Man"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ You don't have to be awake to be my man.

As long as you have brain waves

I'll be there to hold your hand.

Though we just met the other day,

there's something I have got to say...♫

Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5

Why? This song may have come out in the '90s but it is still relatable today. Twentysomethings everywhere know the struggle of finding someone — and we've all reached a point when we decided that we'd take anyone as long as they had brain waves.

11. "Grandma"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ Now, Grandma's a person who everyone likes,

She bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.

But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,

And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.

Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,

But the truth is she died and some day you will too.

Lalala LAlalala LAlalala LAlalala La La La La

Lalala LAlalala LAlalala LAlalala La La La La ♫


Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5

Why? No other song in the history of music has touched upon humans' mortality the way this one has. It spoke to people of all ages, making them stop and really think about living and life itself.

10. "The Cow in the Meadow"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,

Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.

Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,

And that's how we get hamburgers.

Now, chickens! ♫

Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5

Why? Let's just say that if there was any song that shook up people's reality, it was this one. Up until then people were woefully unaware of the "hows" and "whats" of meat in America.

9. "Sticky Shoes" (sung with Leslie)

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ My favorite shoes, so good to me, I wear them every day.

Down at the heel, holes in the toes, don't care what people say.

My feet's best friends, pals to the end, with them I'm one hot chicky.

Though late one night, not much light,

I stepped in something icky.

Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile.

Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I'll avoid the pile. ♫


Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5

Why? While Phoebe's earlier rendition of "Sticky Shoes" is interesting, this is a lot stronger. The harmonies and the depth of the whole sticky-shoe dilemma really hits home. Rest assured, this will be your go-to track when you put on your favorite shoes.

8. "Holiday Song" (from final rendition)

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.

Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.

He said, "All you need is to write them a song."

Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along.

So don't sing along.

Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah.

Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.

And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy.

And Rachel and Chandler, [mumbles some nonsense that rhymes with "Chandler"].

Happy holidays, everybody! ♫

Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5

Why? It has crap, Santa Claus, and snow. Basically all the trimmings to be a great holiday song. The mumbling part at the end adds some pizzaz as well. While it can't compare to Mariah Carey, it's still pretty freakin' stellar.

7. "Ode to a Pubic Hair"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ I found you in my bed!

How'd you wind up there?

You are a mystery,

Little black curly hair!

Little black curly hair!

Little black, little black,

Little black, little black,

Little black curly hair! ♫


Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5

Why? This song changed an entire generation's conversation to make talking and singing about pubic hair more mainstream and acceptable. It's said that Phoebe Buffay was that person who opened up a whole new world for the "Little black curly hair" to come into its own.

Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5

Why? This is another personal favorite. It embodies a beautiful, folksy, indie quality that is hard to ignore. Its simplicity is what makes it such a wonderful track, worthy of its 5 smelly cats.

5. "New York City Has No Power"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ New York City has no power

And the milk is getting sour

But to me that is not scary

Cause I stay away from dairy

La-laa-la-la-la-la… Oooh ooh ooh ♫


Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5

Why? When Phoebe wrote this song, vegans everywhere rejoiced. Yes, it was about NYC losing power, but it also gave vegans a platform to talk about staying away from dairy with Phoebe as their spokesperson.

4. "Shower Song"

Warner Bros. Television / Via

♫ I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song

Stop me if you've heard it.

My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet,

and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

Lather, rinse, repeat

and lather, rinse, repeat

and lather, rinse, repeat

as needed. ♫

Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5

Why? After this song was aired, it echoed from literally everyone's showers. No one could stop singing it. Today, if you listen really hard, you can still hear the strains of the song coming out of a shower somewhere.


Smelly Cat Rating: