It's no news that online dating has changed a lot over the last few years, and the biggest change (as we are all aware of, unless you live under a rock) is that you can now swipe right on a person if you find them attractive or left if you want to put a bag over their face, it's so easy! #amyschumer, or is it? I'm as vain as the next person, but to me looks really don't matter that much when it comes to dating (*cue all of the guys I've dated in the past) I've swiped "left" on countless attractive guys and here's why:
1. You quote Drake "only here for a good time, not a long time"- You're not Drake, nor will you ever be Drake. Trust me, no one is dying to keep you around, buddy.
2. You give yourself "star" ratings- Aaaaaawwwwww its SOOO cute that you think your funny and original! It's even cuter that you gave yourself a 5 star rating for being a great date, even though you're clearly single AF, just like the rest of us.
3. All of your pictures are taken in front of your bathroom mirror- I can't even detect a human in your pictures due to all of the water streaks, and splatters of toothpaste, it's called Windex, use it! #mrnotsoclean
4. You're shirtless in all of your pictures- Put your shirt back on, we get, you DON'T have abs! Nobody wants to see that, and I mean NOOOBBOOODDYY! #BadBoy #notsorry
5. All of your pictures are blurry- The fact that you aren't capable of taking a clear picture/selfie, tells me that you lack the ability to press a button for less than a second which translate to, you're a big dumb dumb and have minimal life skills.
6. In your tag line you state that you are looking for someone who is active and fit, and yet you look like a Shamu whale. #goodluck #keepdreaming
7. You're a 30 something year old who still posts pictures of getting bottle service at clubs with all you're B*tches while pouring vodka down your throat like it's Listerine. Grow up! At that age it's no longer "cute" to get bottle service on a Tuesday night, it screams that your still a F*ck Boy. #midlifecrisismuch?
8. Your "self employed"- "Self Employed" is code for your either homeless and/or broke AF, or you're hanging on the passenger side of your best friends ride. #idontwantnoscrub #cantgetnolovefromme
9. You are just visiting and want a "Tour Guide"- I'm sorry, do I have a sign across my forehead that says "I would love to take you around Toronto for a day, and waist my time and NEVER see you again!" The last time I checked, I was not an effing tour guide, go on a sightseeing bus like everyone else or get some friends.
10. You're a cyclist- I'm convinced that you're a sadist and enjoy ruining people's lives on their way to and/or from work. There's a special place for you…….you know where…….face first on the pavement. #ijustwentthere
11. You like llooovvee to travel- NO ONE CARES!
12. You make a list of all of the things you like- Relax yourself, this isn't the Sound Of Music, and no one asked you.
13. You're an "enthusiast" of anything- STFU
14. For the educational institution you attended, you put "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry"- SSOOOO FFUNNNY…….