The Definitive Ranking Of Dudes Who Deserve Tina Belcher's Love
Let me explain.
Tina Belcher is a queen. A horse-, zombie-, and erotic friend fiction–loving queen, and all I want for her is the best. So, whenever I see Tina lusting after a dude, I want to make sure he’s worth it.
After doing some intense research, I've ranked Tina's boyfriends, love interests, and guys who I thought, at one time or another, could be a good fit. Spoiler alert: it looks the perfect guy might just be Zeke.
Tina briefly dates Nathan in "Beefsquatch." But, it turns out that Nathan is dating her only so that he can meet
Get on Up news anchor Pam. Nathan is a tiny, terrifying, creepy stalker who dresses up as Tina to sneak backstage to meet Pam.
Homegirl dodged a fucking bullet.
We meet Jonas in Season 4's "Uncle Teddy" and I have nothing positive to say about him. Jonas was trash. He used Tina for the attention and the burgers and ditched her when the cops showed up after they tried to break into the lighthouse at the cove. JONAS IS NOT A RIDE OR DIE BITCH.
He rides a really shitty dirt bike and is really rude to Teddy — who is, like, the sweetest person. Also, anyone who says "It's not a keyboard, it's a melodica" in such a snide, neckbeard way doesn't deserve Tina's time.
I'd like to think that two dorks make a right, but sometimes dating someone exactly like you isn't a good idea.
These two didn't really get along in "Carpe Museum" and although they found common ground at the end of the episode, they spent most of it being super condescending and believing that one was nerdier than the other. Honestly, watching these two interact was the equivalent of listening to someone chew.
Jeff was the ghost that briefly inhabited the Belcher's basement. Jeff wasn't real. Jeff was just a box, but I still believed in their brief relationship. Then Jeff two-timed Tina and dumped her for Tammy.
Tina wasn't Tina with Jordan aka Ghost Boy. Sure, I love it when Tina gets a little rebellious, but painting a ghost onto the sail of a historical ship isn't just rebellion — it's lawbreaking.
I don't think Tina was all that interested in Jordan and she definitely wasn't into having her face eaten every time they kissed.
I fucking love Darryl! He's probably the coolest kid at Wagstaff — next to Tina, obviously. Remember his Devo costume in "Fort Night"? Classic. When Tina accidentally fell in love with him in "Can't Buy Me Math" I hoped that he would come around, but it's obvious that they're better off as friends.
Also, Darryl does some unsettling things, like using his telescope to watch his elderly neighbor undress. He's also pretty weak-willed. I mean, in "Fort Night" he sold out his friends by telling Millie about their escape plan in exchange for candy — honestly, though, who wouldn't?
Jimmy Pesto Jr.
POSSIBLY UNPOPULAR OPINION: I don't think Jimmy Jr. is right for Tina. He really only shows interest in her when someone else is interested and seems pretty reluctant to date her, but has obliged on a few occasions. Also, let's not forget that he kind of treated her like garbage in "Presto Tina-O."
Still, sometimes Jimmy Jr. redeems himself. He was into her erotic friend fiction and in "Gene It On" it turns out that like Tina, all he wanted was a chill afternoon alone with her. He also wrote "♡ Jimmy Junior" in the Valentine's Day card he gave her, which is a little ambiguous, but whatever. Oh, and those dance moves! He's not a bad guy — he's just not the right guy for Tina.
Josh was perfect. He genuinely liked Tina, he was a great dancer, and he survived a turtle bite (so brave).
The only thing about Josh was that he had a hater-ass friend, and when your best friend doesn't get along with the person you like it can sometimes create a sticky situation.
OK, just listen for a second -- Zeke and Tina are perfect for each other. Zeke has dropped a few of hints that he likes her, like in "Midday Run" when he declares that one day he's going to marry her. Also, he and his cousin Leslie were cool enough to drive Tina and Louise to the Boyz 4 Now concert, and in "Broadcast Wagstaff School News" he admits to being the Mad Pooper just so Tina has a story. Like, that's some ride or die shit.
Zeke is the edge that Tina is often seeking and he seems to like her just the way she is. He's the peanut butter to her jelly.
At the end of the day, though, maybe Tina doesn't need anyone. Tina Belcher is a bad bitch and she's perfectly fine alone.
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