Meeting and Dating (White) Men

There is a concern expressed by a number of black girls and women who are interested in dating interracially but have not yet done so.

Recently, I received this brief note from one of my readers:

“I’M ATTRACTED TO WHITE MEN BUT SADLY THEY ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME.”

This is a concern expressed by a number of black girls and women who are interested in dating interracially but have not yet done so. Based on my experiences, many black girls and women who feel this way have spent most of their time in predominantly black neighborhoods, and interacted mainly with other black people. Since their personal interaction with non-black men is limited, their beliefs are shaped by secondhand sources:

# 1.Repeated “warnings” from members of the “black community,” who – pretending to be speaking in their best interest – tell black women that non-black men either aren’t interested in black women, or are only interested in those who look “close to white”;

# 2.They’ve grown used to men living in or around their area boldly shouting to and approaching them anytime, anywhere, anyplace – even at times and places where it’s inconvenient and highly inappropriate – thus these women can’t recognize any other type of interest;

# 3.Media images.

How to Know if He Likes You

In my experience, and that of most black women I know, many (though not all) white guys in the U.S. tend to be relatively subtle about their interest. If you’ve already made up your mind that they aren’t interested, then you won’t pick up on the signs when they are. If you are open-minded to the possibility, it won’t be too hard to tell when a man is attracted to you. Initially, most will try to catch your eyes and hold your gaze, and smile. If they receive signs that the interest is mutual (i.e. you smile back and hold their gaze), a man will know you are open to him approaching you and making small talk. If you continue showing signs that you’re interested during the conversation (you smile, listen and respond as if you enjoy conversing as much as they do), they will take it as a sign that you are comfortable with them and interested in getting to know them better. The next step may be to ask you out on a date.

Where & How You Meet Men Makes a Difference

Some black women, though they don’t like the behavior, grow accustomed to strangers in heat hollering and whistling for their attention, or even pursuing them down the street. As a result, these women may be frustrated or even turned off by the subtle methods of approach I outlined in the previous paragraph. Personally, though, I’ve always strongly preferred more subtle approaches. First, I find it polite and respectful for a guy to take the time to notice and consider what the lady wants before making a move. Second, I liked talking to a guy a little first so I could get a basic idea of his personality before agreeing to accompany him on a date or giving him my phone number. Otherwise, how would I know if I’d want to invest the time and effort to go out with him and get to know him better? How would I know if I’d want him to have my number? In the words of MsAlexMM, “Asking a woman ‘What’s your number?’ right off the bat is like starting a job interview with ‘You’re gonna hire me, right?’” Just as you would find it odd and (hopefully) reject the invitation of a random stranger who approached you out of the blue asking to be friends and to hang out somewhere the next day, you shouldn’t see a random stranger as a potential boyfriend, either. As a common saying goes, “Love is friendship set on fire.” Just as there’s something that leads you to want to get to know a person better as a potential friend (i.e. friendly personality, shared interests, hobbies), there should be something leading you to want to go out on a date with someone and get to know him better.

If his purpose in dating is to have a serious relationship, he, too, will want to get an idea of your personality first for the same reasons. On the other hand, if a man is looking for a one-night stand, a fling, something on the side, or something short term and unserious, his only interest will be that you look nice enough to bed or to be seen in public with for the time being. A man who sees you as a person, though, will speak to you as a person. A man who sees you as anything less will insult your intelligence by using pick-up artist techniques, “spitting game,” “macking” – or whatever such things are being called this year. Men such as these are to be avoided by a lady seeking a serious relationship at all costs. Even if his lines are impressive or “seem” sweet (he’s recited them to 30 other girls that day so he should have the right flair and emotion by now), you should remember that he’s wearing a mask to impress you. You won’t get a good sense of who he is if he’s playing a role rather than being himself. A little flirting is fine; being a “mack daddy” is not. I have good intuition, so a “bad guy” hasn’t even gotten me on a first date much less into a relationship. The last thing you want is a guy who puts up a front until he gets what he wants – sex, or in a few cases, marriage. So if you don’t want to be used or face the expense and heartbreak of a broken marriage, skip the “macks” and pick-up artists and go for the ones who speak from the mind and heart. Set the bar for realness from the start.

Places NOT to Meet Men

•Nightclubs and Bars: These are pick-up joints. One-night stand seekers, cheaters and other sleazes are heavily concentrated in clubs. Meanwhile, people looking for serious relationships are not.

•The street: If you’re on the street, it’s because you’ve got somewhere to go. Period. Keep it that way. Decent men don’t go looking for classy ladies on the side of the road. Since street pick-up attempts are so common in low-income areas, some girls and women who grow up in these areas aren’t aware that it’s abnormal and unacceptable. Nowhere in the history of any society did men pick up potential wives on street corners. If he’s picking you up there, either he’s unversed in social etiquette (that is, lacks class) – or he sees you as lacking in class. To be blunt, the streets are where men pick up hookers. He knows nothing about you, so he’s picking you up solely on the basis of the lust you arouse in him – and because the 70 other women he hit on in the streets that day rejected him. Every man likes a challenge – a woman who must see him as special in order for him to attract and then keep her. If you respect yourself, you will also reserve your attentions for men who are attracted to something special about you rather than simply because you’re one of the thousands of female bodies he glimpsed passing by him on the street that day. If all it takes is “Hey, ma, can I get your number?” he will think you’re easy and will never respect you. Also, men who’ve developed the distasteful habit of picking up women along the roadside tend to continue the habit even when in a relationship, because it becomes sport to see how many women will say yes. Think about the number of men who shout to you as you walk down the streets in some areas…is it really possible that ALL of those men are single? Half? Of course not. Women unfortunate enough to have accepted their street approach (pun intended) are now paying these men’s rent and working two jobs to care for their babies while those men stand on the corner or walk the streets all day hoping to score with women like you. You won’t meet cultured, intelligent, classy men in the streets, because decent men know this is low class behavior and don’t engage in it.

Where & How to Meet Intelligent, Cultured Men

If you are interested in a long-term relationship, it’s best to meet men in locations frequented by those with a common interest (i.e. your university, church, aerobics class, salsa lessons, bookstore, library, art gallery, opera, orchestra, festivals); while out doing something that interests you (i.e. traveling, hiking, wine tasting, volunteering [one possibility to consider: volunteer work with a grassroots political organization], horseback riding, tennis, visiting a museum, going to a cocktail party, browsing personal ads in your local financial paper, seminars, cultural events); at a club devoted to a hobby or interest (i.e. book club, jazz club, photography club, golf club [he can help you perfect your swing, wink], country club etc.). In other words, find activities that match your personality – and go have fun. When you’re out enjoying your life, you’ll give off pleasant vibes, which will in turn attract other healthy, happy people. (Alternatively, if you feel blue, undesirable, lonely, or desperate to meet someone, you will give off vibes that will turn people off or attract other unhealthy people such as users and abusers seeking to exploit you). When you’re out doing what you love, smile and talk to various people. This will help you expand your social circle. Not only will guys you talk to while you’re enjoying yourself want to spend more time getting to know you and ask you out, but the women you meet and befriend may have single guy friends (wink). Also, sign up on several dating sites such as POF.com, Loveawake.com, OKCupid.com. It’s a great way to cast your net

wide and meet men you would not normally meet in your day-to-day life.

How to Know if He’s Long-term Relationship Material

A guy who sees you as a person and genuinely wants to get to know you will want to know your views on various subjects and engage you in deep discussions. Therefore, as you become more comfortable, such topics as world events, the news, politics, religion will come up (though you should avoid talking about politics on the first few dates, and should discuss religion even earlier if it’s very important in your life). Also, he’ll want you to get to know him and strengthen the bond, so he’ll take you to meet his family and friends, gradually share details about his life and family, as well as his innermost thoughts, problems and future plans as the trust between you builds. He’ll be just as interested in learning similar details about your life. However, if he’d prefer to spend all of your time together talking about sex, trying to get you into bed, “sweet-talking” you (buttering you up with empty, excessive flattery), bragging (superficial conversation may be a tool to impress you with his possessions so you’ll just “give it up” or skip the vetting process), talking about what he will do for you (he should be showing how he feels a lot more than saying it), then he’s a waste of your time if you are looking for a serious relationship. A man interested in a long-term relationship will have real conversations with you so you can really get to know each other. A man interested in a one-night stand or short-term affair won’t bother to invest much time or effort in you. He’ll want to woo you quickly, get you into bed, and ditch you before you know what hit you. Speaking of which, I strongly recommend waiting until marriage to have sex. When a relationship ends with a man you’ve slept with, the wounds are far deeper, as you’ll most likely feel you gave up something you can’t get back. If this pattern continues, you will be too broken to function well in a relationship by the time you do meet the right guy. Also, letting a strong emotional bond lead to love, and love lead to sex is the best way to establish a long-term relationship. It’s like building a house. A relationship centered around a strong emotional bond is the securest and best. A relationship centered around lust is weak, and easily destroyed, as sex can be obtained anywhere from anyone. There is only one you, so getting to know you deeply and profoundly and falling in love with you is the type of bond that can’t be replicated anywhere.

Oh…and lest you still have any doubt about how beautiful you are…travel, travel (wink).