6 New Things And Their Corresponding Emotional Cost

Sometimes people, even loved ones, don't appreciate how something new can run you down. To make it easier to explain, I did some research and scientifically estimated the emotional cost of these 6 things for you. That's one less argument you'll lose. You're welcome. I take my coffee like my soul, black.

6. Side gig

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Maybe you Uber, taken up writing for Buzzfeed or took a job teaching at a county college for kids who can't read good and want to learn how to do other stuff good too for 6 hours a week. The toll it takes on you can't be quantified by the amount of hours per week you spend on it, though sadly the tiny amount of income you make from it can. You question if it's worth it, but eventually you fall into a rhythm and the blues of life become a little less navy and a little more baby. The emotional cost here is like $31,500, and it takes at least a few months to adjust to this newness.

5. Relationship

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Anyone who's kissed a girl and said, "I liked it" knows where this is headed. You spend the next month constantly checking your text messages for XOXOs and 'less than threes' from your new flame. Be careful that your saccharin-sweet nothings don't write checks your emotional maturity can't cash, cause this one costs about $37,060. You only hope the duration of your standard 24 month loan you got approved for (thank God you didn't have to ask your creepy uncle to co-sign for it) doesn't exceed the length of this fling.

4. Moving

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As you box up everything to prepare for the big move, you think the last time you buried anything this deep, it was your feelings. Whether you're buying a house or renting a studio apartment, the trauma of moving has an average emotional cost of $59,995. Recovery time is about 6 months if you're good at adjusting, add a few more if you're a fragile snowflake.

3. Puppy

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For the longest time your best friend was your grandmother. And then she met Harriet. And now she thinks she better than everybody. But you don't care because OMG YOU HAVE THE CUTEST PUPPY IN THE WORLD AND HE'S YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND. YOU ARE NOW ONLY DEAD INSIDE AROUND HUMANS. $195,000.25 emotional cost made payable through court ordered hard labor, consisting of cleaning up pee pee, poopie and puke at unscheduled intervals. Additional veterinary costs *not* included.

2. Baby

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OK you just had a baby, better hold a funeral for your old life because it is dead dead dead. Sayonara, freedom. So long, doing things on a whim. You learn the luxury that is sleep. Sex can wait, and sex does wait. For months. And months. Emotional cost here is $1,000,000, give or take an extra $250,000,000 for colic. You're going to need about 9 months to fall into any kind of recovery, but really it's more like 7 years until any real kind of relief. Then it starts all over again in the teenage years.

1. Truth

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When you find out your whole life has been a lie, woah, talk about getting punched in the nuts after eating Thanksgiving Dinner! Lies are like a box of chocolate, you never know which one you're going to get will result in an anaphylactic reaction. It's hard to quantify the cost here, but you guess it's close to $5,000,000,000. You'll easily spend the rest of your life in therapy adjusting to this one. Sad!