How To Fake An Essay

It's 8:30 the evening before your paper is due and you have to write an entire paper about a topic of which you have no knowledge. How do you get a passing grade spending as little time as possible so you can focus on more important things (like binge watching your favorite 90's sitcom, again)? Follow a few rules in the organization and layout, and you can totally fake a well thought out and researched paper.

1. Pick a classic topic.

Don't reinvent the wheel. The more obvious and overdone the paper, the less likely your teacher will vet it out. If it's a book report, pick a famous book that's been done 1000 times. If it's a science report, find a "Top Ten" list and pick #1. You're going to find lots of samples and help on the internet that you can grab without being accused of plagiarizing.

2. Watch the movie, if you have time.

The movie will have differences and the teacher knows it, so make sure you look up something along the lines of "how the book was better" or "what the director of ____ got wrong." Go out of your way to actually make a point regarding what was left out (without saying they left it out). If you're working on a non-fictional topic, watch a documentary or TV show, and then read the reviews of the program.

3. Outline.

It's starting to sound like I'm telling you how to actually do the paper itself, but a key part of faking the research is getting an outline to organize your key points. Introduction: state what your goal of the paper is. Body: 3+ points about the topic. Conclusion: restate your goal and how you proved it. This 1-2-3 step will help flesh out the actually body so you can reach word/paragraph/page counts. This is literally what the teacher is looking for, and they're more likely to believe that it was well thought-out instead of copy-paste.

4. Research.

If you didn't watch the movie/show, you need to find somebody else's work to mirror, preferably at least 3 sources. Find out what they think, then parrot it. "ABC is something-or-another, This Person says so here:" Then you write it again using a thesaurus to make it sound different. Do this at least 3 times.

5. Don't use popular sources.

Don't quote Wikipedia. Most topics are discussed SOMEWHERE on the internet, so go to page 3 or 4 of your search results. Your teacher isn't going to take the time to check for plagiarism from old 2008 BB Boards. You can pretty much directly quote them, but change the voice.

6. Meet minimum requirements, but barely.

If your goal is a single paragraph essay about most topics, you have about 7 sentences to write. If you have a paragraph count, you have 3 sentences for Intro and Conclusion each, and 3+ sentences per point (with a minimum of 3 sources, pick one sentence per source). For a page count, consider going back to the 4th page of your search results, and grab 2-3 paragraphs per point. Remember that each author has a different voice, so you may need to rewrite them to make them sound like you. Also when it comes to page count, don't mess with font size or style. Your teachers are looking for it. Instead, subtly add page numbers and the entire title of your paper in the footnotes of each page, in white. It adds up to 100 words, takes up some space, and isn't exactly noticeable unless you're looking for it. If they DO notice it, you can pass it off as trying to make it fancy but it didn't work out the way you wanted.

7. Don't turn in someone else's work.

Don't plagiarize word for word from someone else. Even if your older sibling did the same paper 2 years ago for a different teacher, at least re-word each sentence. It's not worth the failing grade.