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1. Please god tell me this is the episode where Whaboom goes home.
2. Oh DeMario, what is you doin??? You should’ve gone home. Begging is not a good look.
3. The boys are just awkwardly 5 ft. away from this confrontation and it’s hilarious.
4. Yeah, you did f*ck up, DeMario. Please drag him, Rachel.
5. The boys are such gossip queens rn.
6. “In order to experience joy, you need to experience pain.” What type of sadistic sh*t are you into, DeMario???
7. Rachel’s face is giving me life rn.
8. “My Uber driver told me to come back so I did.” DeMario, why are you taking life advice from your Uber driver???
9. “I need a man.” YES, RACHEL! I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
10. DRAG HIM RACHEL! YAS!
11. She just called him a boy. I love THIS QUEEN!
12. Rachel’s like lol boys you can go back inside ya girl doesn’t need ya help.
13. “He isn’t coming back is he?” - All the guys. “F*ck no.” - Queen Rachel. RACHEL IS HANDS DOWN THE BEST BACHELORETTE EVER.
14. DeMario is so not used to being rejected.
15. “I feel empowered after that.” ME TOO, RACHEL. ME TOO.
16. Oh please no, Tickle Monster. What are these giant hands?!?
17. Alex and his rubix cube and that bow tie are everything.
18. Rachel couldn’t be more over Whaboom right now.
19. “I don’t know if Blake has a crush on me or...” Rachel’s face and reaction about Lucas' banana story is hilarious.
20. “I don’t eat bananas.” Is the best response Blake could’ve possibly had to Lucas’ story.
21. Blake, YOU ARE THE CRAZY ONE.
22. The real question is when is ABC gonna stop playing games with loyal fans and go back to having rose ceremonies at the END of every episode?!?
23. I think this is most I have ever heard the word “poise” in my life.
24. WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS KEEP THE TICKLE MONSTER?!?
25. Please eliminate Whaboom solely for describing you as a “smart ass chick.”
26. She’s for sure only keeping Brady because he’s so nice to look at. (Tbh, I’d do the same.)
27. Lucas’ stream of consciousness commentary during this rose ceremony is v entertaining.
28. Diggy deserves this final rose solely because he probs spent $400 at Warby Parker on glasses for this show.
29. Diggy and his plethora of glasses are so relieved they got that final rose.
30. I’m legit shocked the producers let Rachel eliminate Whaboom so early. (Thank you Rachel, from all of America.)
31. Blake & Lucas’ feud outside the mansion is so hilarious. Also, Lucas is v v v drunk.
32. Lucas’ blank stare to the camera circa Jim on The Office during Blake’s bizarre rant is the best.
33. Lol Blake, the only person’s fault you’re going home is your own.
34. “You have no idea what the world means.” - Lucas.
35. “Go back to your protein shakes.” - Also, Lucas.
36. “I KNOW WHAT FUNNY IS.” - Another Lucas gem.
37. Lucas & Blake mocking each other is every 4th grader’s fight.
38. Living for all the guys dancing about getting to go on Ellen.
39. Neither of us have lives and we are desperately addicted to the Bach franchise, Ellen. I’m here for you.
40. “I don’t like that. Why is he still here??” - Ellen’s response to the Tickle Monster’s surprise tickling intro is all of us.
41. Dead at Ellen tickling the Tickle Monster on their first meeting. BET YOU DIDN’T LIKE THAT SURPRISE TICKLE DID YOU?
42. Ew Bryan, you just lost points by calling QUEEN RACHEL sloppy seconds.
43. YAS, ALEX! GET IT ON THAT GRANDMA!
44. I don’t know what is worse, Tickle Monster’s dancing or his flamingo-printed shirt.
45. Never Have I Ever should always be played on this show. Why haven’t the producers thought of this before?!
46. They are all thinking about sleeping with Rachel right now.
47. Alex, the only truthful pee’er in the group.
48. Ok Peter, you may be old but you down with that sexting game. I see you.
49. “It was classy.” - said no one ever except Tickle Monster regarding a sext.
50. Aw bb Fred is sad he will always be a bb in Rachel’s eyes.
51. You can be my bb, Fred.
52. God Rachel is such a queen. She is flawless. Her smile is beyond flawless.
53. Outfit change. Her night looks are the only thing that could ever be better than her day looks.
54. Is this left eye sh*t legit? Honestly, does it matter if Alex is the one saying it? No. No, it does not.
55. Can we just end the show now? Peter and his salt n’ pepper hair are clearly the only winners in this group.
56. Oh god. Fred. No. NOOOOO.
57. Why, Fred?! Why did you narrate that entire kiss?
58. Conclusion: Fred can’t read women or their emotions to save his life.
59. Omg no, Rachel. Don’t do this. DON’T ELIMINATE HIM RIGHT AFTER.
60. It’s happening. She’s doing it. Poor bb Fred.
61. The longest elevator ride in history.
62. “Love,” Fred? Let’s not get carried away.
63. AND YOU PICK ME RIGHT BACK UP AGAIN, RACH! Alex and his left eye knowledge deserved that rose.
64. Finally, Anthony gets some screen time.
65. But actually tho... why are they on horses on Rodeo Drive?
66. “IT’S RACHEL?!?!!!!!!” - Some teen girl screaming at the top of her lungs from an open window of a school bus. Me af.
67. But seriously… why are they still on horses?
68. You know what they say. The couple that buys matching cowboy boots together... definitely breaks up eventually.
69. “Why tf are we on Rodeo Drive?” - The horses right now.
70. The horses are shitting in HIGH-END RODEO DRIVE DEPARTMENT STORES.
71. I’m dying laughing at whoever has to clean that up.
72. Anthony’s jaw line is unbelievable.
73. He looks like an animated superhero brought to life.
74. But really tho… what was that horseback Rodeo Drive date?
75. Anthony should get the rose just for surviving that without complaining.
76. Wait who even are Adam or Bryce?!? The date card being read is legit the first time I’m ever seeing them.
77. Lol. I love when they pretend to “suddenly” hear music while on a date. As if they don’t know some weird C-list band is set up 100 ft. away solely for them to slow dance to.
78. God Anthony is so hot.
79. The boys call him Big A. Even they know he is at animated-superhero-brought-to-life status.
80. Oh Eric, what is you doin bb? This aggressiveness is uncalled for.
81. How is Eric gonna attack Iggy, whose literal sole purpose this season is to be the innocent narrator?
82. Shopping for shoes? Please stop. They are always so off when guessing dates.
83. QUEENS OF PAST BACHELOR INFAMY YES!
84. Rachel, we f*cking know them. All of these men and the rest of America have fantasized about them.
85. But seriously. Who is this creepy guy with no upper lip???
86. Apparently his name is Bryce and he is a firefighter?
87. Love it, Raven. Going right in for the tea.
88. She couldn’t have asked worse people about Eric. No upper lip dude and the racist…
89. It seems a lil unfair to bring a pro wrestler to a wrestling competition, no?
90. God Alexis needs her own show. #AmericaWantsMoreAlexis
91. Wait the girl’s trench coats are so cute. Where can I get one for the next time men mud wrestle for my love?
92. The first round is legit between two ex-boy band members.
93. First Round: Upper lip for the win!
94. Second Round: Dean vs. I forgot. But what are the rules for this though?? Seems v subjective if ya ask me.
95. Third Round: ?? Who is even wrestling at this point?! Who even knows?
96. Fourth Round: Kenny just f*cking someone up. Pulling out WWE moves left and right.
97. FIFTH ROUND: KENNY VS. RACIST. TAKE HIM DOWN, KENNY!
98. THAT BODY SLAM KENNY! THIS IS EVERYTHING AMERICA NEEDED KENNY!
99. That kiss blown to Rachel though. He needs to win for that alone.
100. Final round. Don’t blow this, Kenny.
101. Lol what’s his name never stood a chance.
102. Dean’s speaking v seriously during his confessional through the dried mud on his face is everything.
103. Wait, how did Kenny lose this to NO UPPER LIP?!? I’m so confused. (Ok, we’ve established his name is Bryce now.)
104. Every single Past Bachelor girl wants to f*ck Dean.
Also, I'm guessing all these queens are on BIP?!? Which is why ABC is trying to reignite our love affair with them. (Like it ever went out; let's be real.)
105. Raven coming in hot with the misinformed tea. (Love the loyalty tho, girl.)
106. Eric’s scarf styling is unparalleled.
107. “Keeping It 100.” - the new catchphrase of the Bach.
*Spoiler: A majority of them are most definitely not Keeping It 100.
108. Number of people surprised Kenny is a former Chippendales dancer: None.
109. Aw, Adam is cute! Who knew?
110. Jack Stone is doing something weird with his chin/teeth/lips. And his teeth are SUPER white. Like distractingly white.
111. Eric seems v dramatic rn.
112. Did he just say vulnerable or vanable?
113. Love that Rachel immediately tells him who was talking sh*t. She is the only one Keeping It 100.
114. “You ok? No, I’m not ok.” Eric is every Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant ever.
115. Wow, Lee is a straight up snake.
116. Why are they love-shaming Eric right now? IT’S NOT HIS FAULT HE’S NEVER BEEN IN LOVE.
117. Call it like you see it, Eric! LEE IS NOT GENUINE.
118. Lee is that guy that fronts like your friend but low-key humiliates you in public and then says I LOVE YOU BRO to cover up the psychological damage he is causing.
119. Eric getting the rose is ultimate karma to Lee trying to throw him under the bus.
120. “I don’t care if Eric disrespects me.” - Lee, the racist. What he really means: “I care an insane amount when Eric disrespects me.”
121. In walks Rachel, looking like the Queen she is.
122. Spoiler to all future Bach contestants: If you spend your entire time with the lead at the cocktail party talking about another contestant; it didn’t go well. Sorry, Iggy.
123. Props to Iggy for Keeping It 100 and telling Eric what he said about him unprompted.
124. Damn, Lee is one slimy, manipulative snake.
125. God, Rachel’s coat game is on point.
126. “I’m just being honest.” - Rachel. AKA She STILL the only one Keeping It 100.
127. I’m trying to focus on this fight, but all I can focus on is everyone’s extreme 1” wide, shaved part. Did they all give each other matching haircuts??
128. Rachel’s reaction to the “Booger Roll” is all of us.
And that's all for this week, Bach Nation. Tune in next week for my thoughts on the MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE YET!
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