1. Wow, okay, here we go. Baby at home. This is kind of scary but also very cool.
2. I can’t believe we made this thing! That came out of me!
3. First night down, and she slept the whole way through. Did I win the baby lottery or is this the calm before the storm?
4. Can I add "proud parent" to all of my "about me" bios or is it too soon?
5. Is 10 nappies going to be enough for a trip to the shops? I'll bring 12 just in case.
6. Babies are a lot heavier than I expected. Maybe I won’t need to rejoin the gym.
7. A crying baby in a public place is probably the most stressful thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I now feel bad for all those times I tutted at other parents with crying kids.
8. Is his face red from being too hot or too cold? Babies are like little puzzles in human form. Thank god for Google search.
9. Leaving the house is exhausting. Maybe I should just ask people to come here so we don’t have to go outside ever again.
10. Mmm, when does the new baby smell wear off? It's way better than new car smell!
11. I know people said they poo a lot, but I was not expecting this!
12. Okay, doctor has informed me that babies sometimes cough. This is fine. Maybe a bit of an overreaction on my part, but you can never be too careful.
13. The crying has begun. Send help.
14. What does that cry mean? I wish she could just tell me! Why has no one invented a baby translator yet?!
15. Remember that time she slept once? Those were the good old days.
16. I've waited two months for him to smile, and he finally did! Toothless, kind of creepy, but so cute!
17. Oh wait, is he really smiling or does he just have gas?
18. It feels like she has been up for 48 hours just crying...
19. Is that...silence? Don’t jinx it.
20. She’s asleep! But is she breathing? Yes, okay. She’s alive still. Calm. Down.
21. What do I do when he is asleep? How far away am I allowed to be? Maybe I'll have a lie down too...
22. Can I tell my brother that she hates the whole spoon-as-plane food trick? I don’t know that she does, but I do.
23. My child smiles when he has gas and looks angry in photos. Perfect,
24. Never in my life did I think that a baby would puke right into my own mouth, but this is where I have found myself today.
25. I find it so hard not to tear up when people compliment my baby. Should I be this emotional all the time?
26. We’re out of nappies again. She just uses up so many that it's hard to keep up! I can't remember needing to poop this much when I was a baby.
27. I need to shower for a good hour after cleaning up that unholy mess.
28. Wait, did he just say his first word?! Is "ga" a word? Apparently not, according to every dictionary I've looked in, but he was so close to saying "garage", I swear.
29. We actually arrived early somewhere! It only took four and a half months, but it happened!
30. Can't. Stop. Talking. About. Baby. Around. Friends.
31. Baby food is actually pretty tasty. Why don't they make adults versions of the little sachets?
32. He rolled over! Early! Bona fide genius I am TELLING you. *googles Oxbridge applications.*
33. Her dad has taken to this much better than I had expected...I feel bad for underestimating him now.
34. Her mum is a superhero, I'm convinced.
35. It's like my baby knows I'm wearing new clothes, and he just wants to ruin them with his fluids.
36. Why does she prefer the teddy my mum bought her to all the cool toys I bought?
37. Her laugh is the most glorious sound I've ever heard! Quick, record it!
38. I wonder what he is going to grow up to do? Doctor? Lawyer? Yoga teacher? He could do literally anything, and I’d be so proud.
39. Ooooo, Tina from down the road just had her second baby. Could I handle two...? Definitely!
40. I can’t do up her clothing – has she grown that much? Guess it's time to start putting her in 6–9 months clothes already!
41. My baby has a bigger wardrobe than I do. How did this happen?
42. He hasn’t pooped for a good day now. I’ve never been this obsessed about monitoring bowel movements in my life!
43. Oh god, another two days without sleep. I AM NEVER HAVING ANOTHER CHILD.
44. Finally, she's asleep again. If her dad does anything to wake her, I will break him.
45. Ah, another meal time; another chance for him to get food all over himself, me, and the kitchen. Joy.
46. Eight months in, and she's crawling. This is exciting! Terrifying, but exciting!
47. Chasing her around the house is harder than a marathon I swear. I’m going to have to baby-proof absolutely everything.
48. I can’t remember what it was like before he came along.
49. How is she 10 months old already? Time goes so quick! Next she’ll be 18, then going off to University, having her own kids, getting married. Do. Not. Cry.
50. He was just so close to taking his first steps! Is it normal for my heart to be bursting with pride but to also be nervous about what is to come?
51. I’m pretty sure I used to sleep for more than three hours a night though. I just cannot imagine what that is like anymore. It sounds dreamy.
52. I know I had hundreds more thoughts throughout her first year, but I'm just too knackered to remember them all. Please can I sleep now?
ZTC1880A/05/17
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Additional imagery from Getty Images