I can’t...
wear cornrows
There is a fine line between French braids and cornrows and that line is between two and three. Thankfully, I never went on a Jamaican cruise as a child so I've avoided this pretty well.
join AKA
My favorite teacher in 7th grade taught me two things: to never be a booty call and that AKA is the greatest sorority I would never be a part of.
use at-home relaxers
When I was little, my curly-headed ass would stare at the little black girls on the "Just For Me" boxes at the grocery store like "okay, but where's mine?" It's called the rest of the beauty aisle, baby girl.
be nostalgic about Jodeci
Or Martin. Or even Tina. Appreciate them and love them, yes, but my mom raised me on Led Zeppelin and Ally McBeal. There's a whole portion of pop culture I'm just gonna be in the dark about.
look like Beyoncé
However, I have been known to think I'm her after a few drinks.
But I can…
walk around a neighborhood without causing suspicion
In fact, I doubt that the word "suspicious" has ever been used to describe me. Never had a cop disbelieve my story, never been stopped for no reason. Wild idea, but maybe it's because small white girls haven't been vilified in the media for hundreds of years.
listen to my friends of color when they describe a personal injustice
Dude at the bar tell you you're "cute for a black girl"? Been the only person of color at a party and had no one talk to you because you were "intimidating"? I can't relate, but please vent to me and we can be angry together.
stand up for my friends of color
If any of the above happens and you need me to back you up in a fight, I will. I'll probably lose because I'm about as strong as feather duster, but the effort will be there. Same with interjecting if the police show up and question you unfairly. If you're going to jail, so the fuck am I.
correct other white people's ignorance
If you haven't had to explain to a fellow Caucasian citizen why they shouldn't darken their skin tone for their Nicki Minaj/Kanye/Dean Thomas costume, are you even a white ally?
sit and cheer for everyone's accomplishments without making them about me
For every white girl who thinks they could have gotten into such-and-such college if they were a minority: someone else was just better than you. Be happy for what you have and work harder next time.
Woke up like..
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