Everyone has ~opinions~ about when the right time to move in with your S.O. really is. Queer women deal with the added stereotype of moving way too fast (AKA u-hauling). We decided to invade three (really cute) apartments to get some answers.
Alison, 27 Beth, 36 — Park Slope, Brooklyn
How long did you date before you decided to move in together? How long have you been living together now?
A: We've lived together for a year, and we dated for about a year before we moved in together.
How did your friends or family react?
A: I think my parents were really excited that we moved in together. My parents really love Beth and my dad is the kind of dad that's like, "I want to know that you're being taken care of," and he could see that Beth would be really good at that.
What were you most nervous or apprehensive about?
A: The only thing I was worried about was that, well I'm clean, but Beth?
A: She would be taking money off the rent for how much she cleans — it's amazing.
Were you surprised by any unexpected challenges after moving in? Unexpected perks?
B: I think an unexpected perk is that Ali brought this creative, calm energy into the space which I really enjoyed.
A: Another perk is that you basically get to have the most baller sleepovers every single night. For us sometimes that's binge-watching Property Brothers and eating cookies. I love it so much.
A: One concern that I did not expect until we moved in together is that I think there's an awareness when you're gay and you're two women — I felt a vulnerability in that I want to protect myself and I especially want to protect Beth, but I know there are guys bigger and stronger than us.
There was a period where there were no other occupants in the building except for us and it made me so nervous. At night it freaked me out. What if someone broke in and it was just me and Beth? How are we going to attack him or keep him away? That was something I wasn't prepared for. When you love someone so much and you are a protector, in the same way you would be in a male-female or male-male relationship, I just felt — I don't know. I wanted to show up with the strength to protect us, protect Beth.
A: Are you going to tell them what we did about it? We have protective measures. I guess we shouldn't tell them about the booby traps, just in case.
B: Yes. Don't tell them about the booby traps. We have some weapons, one being a...
A: ... fully loaded flashlight. I'm going to say it's a chrome material? It's silver and it would definitely do some damage. It's got some double D's up in there.
B: You know what else we have? A bat. And it's engraved with Alison's name on it. Which would be nice if you whacked someone — maybe it would leave a branded mark with your name.
A: Would add insult to injury, literally. We have them near the bed so if we are sleeping and someone comes in? You go for the bat and I go for the flashlight.
B: That's pretty good.
What's your favorite thing about living together?
B: My favorite thing about living together is cooking meals together. We kind of brainstorm what we want and then we can cook together and eat together.
A: And movie marathons.
Advice to anyone about to ~merge~ with their significant other?
B: I would say two things. First thing, just make sure you talk about everything before it happens rather than trying to adjust in the moment. I think also, just keep a sense of humor about it. It's all going to be fine.
A: Beth had already lived here and I moved in, which was awesome. I think that something that was really helpful was Beth coming to me and being like, "How do we make this space ours? How do we change things so this represents both of us?" I felt like she initiated that conversation so it made me feel comfortable and I knew she wanted both of us to be active participants in this place. We did change some things; it was really nice. It felt like a nesting process and it felt like home.
Caroline, 32 and Jess, 27 — Ridgewood, Queens
How long did you date before you decided to move in together?
C: A year and a half?
J: Yeah, I think so. It was a long time as far as lesbians go.
How did your friends or family react?
J: Yeah, I think anyone who was around us assumed we were around each other all the time.
C: Which was actually true, it was just harder then. Lots of commuting time between Bushwick and Greenpoint. Sometimes we walked! Oh, youth.
What were you most nervous or apprehensive about?
C: I don't know. Nothing really? I wasn't really nervous about it.
J: For me, I was most nervous about the actual space, finding the right apartment. But that's about just funding a good place in NYC, not about us.
Were you surprised by any unexpected challenges after moving in? Unexpected perks?
C: The perks is the decorating. It's not that my design skills are so bad, but it's just nice to come home and see the whole living room looks different and really good.
J: So you don't mind when you leave for two days and I just redecorate? Haha. Because I've done that a lot.
C: No, I love it. The only thing is when I can't find things. I'm the type of crazy person that puts something down in a weird place and then expects it to still be in that place later. Like that hair dye, remember that? I was like, "Have you seen that hair dye I bought?" And you were like, "Yeah, that was a year ago. It's been in the trash for months."
What is your biggest pet peeve about the other (in terms of living in the same space?
J: My biggest pet peeve is that we don't have the same shoe size so we can't share shoes. Because we have the same taste in shoes, but I can't fit my size 10 feet in your Size 7 desert boots.
C: Mine is that you look better in my clothes when you borrow them. Can I say that? You put something on and then I'm like, you should just keep that.
J: To which I always say, we can just continue to keep it in the dresser we share.
What's your favorite thing about living together?
C: Yeah, this was part of it that we talked about being excited about even before we moved in: merging our tank top collection!
J: Yeah, and our books. I remember when I first went to your house I noticed that we had some of the same books. And I'm such a book hoarder that I was like, oh good, now we'll have two Amy Hempels!
C: Just in case!
J: We can keep one in each room we have bookshelves in!
Advice to anyone about to ~merge~ with their significant other?
J: My advice is that, if it's not already going well, then moving in together will definitely not help things. I know I've made that mistake before. But with us, things were already going so well and the only sort of problems we had were related to not living together [laughs].
C: Yeah, oh man. If there are problems in your relationship, moving in together will definitely magnify those problems. Don't do it unless it's already going well.
Jess and Shannon, early twenties — Flatbush, Brooklyn
S: We were dating for just about a year before we decided to move in together; both of our leases were about to be up and it just seemed to make sense.
J: I was living with a cat and I did not want to.
S: And we've been living together now for about... four months? Jess guessed a year and that is wrong.
How did your friends or family react?
S: I feel like right before we moved in together, I don't think anyone was really very supportive of it.
J: Really?
S: Not because of you! Just the idea, in general, of moving in with a significant other is sort of taboo in New York. We were just at a year but we hadn't known each other for that long.
J: What did they say!?
S: It wasn't you, specifically. I feel like a lot of people I know think that you shouldn't move in with a significant other super soon, and they can be judge-y of that. That you're not being fun and cool and single, living in Bushwick with a million other people.
J: But your parents thought that? Like your family thought that? Like your aunt?
S: Yeah. She said we should wait.
S: But she's a very old-school, traditional person. When I was asking for advice everyone was like, "Yeah, maybe don't do that. You have your whole life to life with someone. Why not wait." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to do that." Now, though, they're super supportive!
J: No one really cared, for me.
What were you most nervous or apprehensive about?
S: I was nervous it was going to negatively impact our relationship and that we weren't going to like each other and we were going to break up. Worst case scenario!
J: Yeah, me too. I'm weird about clean things. I don't like walking around barefoot unless the floor has been swept. I have a lot of small things that I was afraid would be too much. And, I'm bossy.
S: I was worried about space because I'm very much a person who likes to alone a lot, just in my own corner doing my own thing. I was afraid that we would be on top of each other and get sick of each other — which is why we decided to move into a two-bedroom apartment. We use the second bedroom as an office that Jess has her guitars in, we have a big living room, bedroom. We have spaces to be by ourselves which alleviated a lot of my worries.
J: Space is a big concern for me, too. Well, I'd lived with someone before so I wasn't too concerned.
S: I had never lived with someone I was dating before.
J: That's why I kind of knew I would be able to figure out personal space with you — I've already been in the situation where I didn't have that, and it was bad. It affected the relationship in a weird way. That was a turning point for me, and now I know how to give people space.
Were you surprised by any unexpected challenges after moving in? Unexpected perks?
S: Our biggest fight is about the dishes.
J: Because you don't do them!
S: I hate the dishes. I'll do them, but only if the division of labor is equal. I don't like doing just one more dish than I have to do.
J: We're working on it.
S: A dishwasher would solve all our problems.
What is your favorite thing about living together?
J: Shannon cooks really well. She cooks great brussels sprouts. I eat healthier now.
S: You can just go home but it feels like you're still being social because there's someone else at home!
J: You always have someone to cuddle with. That's the best part! You always have someone to cuddle with, always.
S: Sharing clothes! Lesbian perks. We also basically have the same shoe size. My feet are a little bigger but I can force myself into your shoes. We make it work.
J: I like sharing books with you.
S: This is the first time in my adult life I've had a full bookshelf — a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf. I loved filling it with our combined collections.
Advice to anyone about to ~merge~ with their significant other?
J: See how well they do the dishes.
S: Observe their dish patterns, but it's not a total deal breaker.
J: We are making it work!
S: Really think about what habits you like having at home and think about how living with someone might infringe upon those habits.
J: Make sure you're mature enough to have disagreements with someone and be able to talk it out. Just... be a good roommate? First and foremost. Nothing is worse than living with an immature roommate, let alone a immature significant other.
S: Before you can even support each other in a relationship sense, you've got to be able to clean up after yourself and be a respectful roommate.
J: Do those dishes.