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Which Carbohydrate Are You

You are having a flat dinner. You have made a lovely batch of fajitas, everyone has had one portion and there is one left. One flatmate has taken this final portion.  What do you do?

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What you carb-loading with

You are unemployed, a student or a drunk. Those are the only acceptable reasons for buying a two pack of the shittest baguettes on the market. Like this unavoidable meal choice for anyone in their overdraft a week before payday, you are always the last resort and are only invited to parties, weddings and funerals because there was literally no other option. As the frozen garlic bread is to the foccacia, you are to the rest of humanity, that is, worse. Like this bread stick you are crusty, greasy and have an unhealthy yellowish tinge. You are as fake as the "butter" slathered too liberally on the middle slices and too sparingly on the outer edges, and like that spread you too are usually too much at the wrong time. This is the sort of food nonces eat, I have no proof or research behind this, it just feels right - something you wouldn't understand being so constantly wrong. Also buying a big stick of bread? You are obviously compensating for something ;)

Garlic Bread (The 99p kind sold for £2.50 in cornershops nationwide)

This is goblin food. You are a goblin, nestled in your cave (bedroom filled with empty cans of monster energy and maccys takeaway bags, discarded game controller wrapped in the muddle of sheets at the end of your bed) huddled in the covers as you pick at your still-cold-in-the-middle-oven-fresh-but-slightly-frozen-hashbrowns. I'm surprised you didn't gobble the frozen wedges straight from the oven to be honest, scrabbling at the cold plastic multipack with your little paws, such is your passion for the potato treats.  Like that 1kg frozen pack of hash browns you contain multitudes, its a shame its multitudes of the same thing. You are reliable, timeless and underrated by most but overrated by some. People can try to make loaded hash browns a thing but really there is no dressing you up. You are what you are, you WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF LIFE and there's nothing wrong with that. Rough round the edges with none of the swagger of a potato rosti you are a bit shit but no one sane would order a hungover macdonalds without you.

fried ham, egg, bread with beans and red tomato slice

Hash Browns

Ahh the humble portion of chips, wrapped up in paper, on the side or half eaten post-night out and and abandoned on your pillow, eventually failing to soak up the wings grease that will inevitably stain your bedsheets - not that they'll be the only stains from your big night.  You are the life and soul of the party and like chips you are often loaded and almost always salty. A chip butty is a classic british treat and you'd find it quite the treat if you found yourself sandwiched between two of the best things since sliced bread ;) Unhealthy, stodgy and a british basic.

Chips

The best thing since sliced bread, but I mean thats not that hard is it? Slicing bread wasn't that hard in the first place, like, what were people doing before, just clawing off chunks of loaves and cramming it in their gobs? To be honest, as this is an essential of british culture maybe they were doing that because you really can't trust the british public - but you do for some reason. Jam first or cream first? With your level of indecision you'll go with the crowd every time like a true patriot  -  lets just hope its not the crowd headed to protect Churchill's statue ay?

Scones with jam (say it EN GER LANDDDDDDD)

Oh grow up. Do you think you are fun and quirky? Produced in millions of identical tins with identical labels you are totally unique just like every other tin on the production line.  Like spaghetti hoops you are red and wet and not as hot as you think. If it wasn't for the sauce you'd be beige as anything and you are, deep down inside, no matter how you dress it up. At least baked beans are classic, you are just there. Even kids prefer alphabetti spaghetti, if only you could read maybe you'd get why. There's no U in hoops but there is an oops, which is probably what they said when u were born.

Spaghetti hoops

You think you are special but you are available everywhere.  Far too much effort to deal with at home and better in a cafe setting. You have a lot of layers but are quick to fall apart and are begging for a filling. You usually leave people wanting more but not in a good way, you are just totally unsatisfying.

Croissant

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Which Carbohydrate Are You

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