1.
Sister got engaged this weekend and I dressed as a bush in the wilderness to watch/capture the moment. We are 1 yr apart.. why are our lives so different rofl
2.
If you’re gonna reboot Walker Texas Ranger, you better reboot my grandma so there’s someone to fucking watch it.
3.
“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff
4.
No one: Not a soul: A small child after you tell them to not do something because they could get hurt:
5.
my first day of high school i tried to contour and i walked out so my dad could drive me to school and he took one look at me and said “whatever is on your face looks so bad go take it off i’m not dealing with you getting bullied”
6.
me: whisking egg egg: sksksksksksk
7.
A year ago today I got a note from a passenger in flight that had us crying laughing
8.
Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP
9.
guys i think that my grandma is vaping and killing people
10.
there’s a Friday the 13th in December... ...A nightmare before Christmas, you might say
11.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever watched your best friend get out of a relationship with a guy you hated
12.
Remember in 2004 when you were like "I'm gonna go on the computer"
13.
my phone number is one digit off from a real estate company in my hometown. tonight i finally used it to my advantage
14.
This was my first interaction w my new housemate from China after living together for a week Her: you go to the gym..everyday? Me: i try to! almost everyday. I have a lot of energy & I mostly sit at my job so if I dont get it out I wont sleep Her: so you are.......like a child
15.
So yesterday I'm sitting at my desk eating figs drizzled in honey and slices of dried sausage and cheese with a rind and my boss comes up behind me and says "what is this breakfast. why do you eat like a roman emperor"and then walked away and I've been thinking about it for hours
16.
teachers: the exam isn't that hard the exam: you walk in the kitchen with no legs and your cousin is boiling fruit loops. she's a virgin with 8 kids. how old is the neighbors dog?
17.
Y’all think y’all need a boo for everything lmfao bitch if you don’t go with your bestfriend to that pumpkin patch and stfu
18.
enjoy this video of my cat’s 6th attempt to jump on the counter.
19.
yes hi your brother is having sex with this peanut putter