1.
my brain attempting to produce serotonin
2.
here’s my impression of the engineer who was in the studio with Fat Joe that day
3.
people who have their phone on military time: what do you have to prove
4.
I got sad in the grocery store bc this little baby said hi to me and I said hi back and his mom thanked me for saying hi back to him so now I’m like bitch who is not saying hi back to my lil mans 😭😭😭
5.
Me: *doesn’t hear my phone ringing once* My mom:
6.
LMAOO WHAT
7.
me: :( Butterflies migrating in LA: * 🦋. 🦋 * . * . 🦋*. 🦋. *. * •. * *. . * . * 🦋.* 🦋* . . * . 🦋. * 🦋*. . *. 🦋•. * 🦋* . *. * . . 🦋* . me: :)
8.
Mary: oh no my period is late Joseph: oh no how late Mary: I dunno, what's the date Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it's 9 months BC Mary: 9 months what now
9.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
10.
From men. https://t.co/nzRHCEzQSa
11.
age 5: i want to be a dog when i grow up age 21: i want an office job to make money after college age 25: i want to be a dog when i grow up
12.
Apple combining the headphone and charging jack remains one of the most sinister abuses of power to date
13.
One time I fell in love with a guy then he text me “minus well” so I blocked him
14.
quinn fabray and sue sylvester https://t.co/IIvQIuc6gQ
15.
Coworker: “hey can you take my shift?” Me: “of course!” Me: hey so it turns out I have open heart surgery Tuesday Ik it’s kinda late notice but like do you think you could pick up my shift? Coworker : sorry it’s my dogs half birthday otherwise I totally would ://
16.
yeah ...... sex is great but ....... have u ever been able to spell mcconaughey right on the first try
17.
lady on this beach just yelled “not my chips you BITCH” at a seagull
18.
Somebody said Dr. Pepper is just barbecue water.
19.
your mcm thinks (a + b)² expands to a² + b². do better sis
20.
If you pick someone up at the airport after the age of 30 you are either falling in love or a personal assistant.
21.
22.
How I wanna be treated https://t.co/bBPLVxvTIN
23.
No actual TV critic has ever said anything as insightful as my dad after watching five minutes of the Gilmore Girls who said "These people all talk like they're leaving voicemails for each other"
24.
My three year old thinks he is ACTUALLY British thanks to Peppa Pig. The other day he mentioned how he hadn't seen a neighbor boy outside in awhile and said "Perhaps he's on holiday." 💀
25.
I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.
26.
Women can always tell when you look at our boobs. It doesn't matter how quickly you glance. One second is like five seconds in boob time.
27.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up