1.
my dad asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said “money is my boyfriend” but I don’t have that either
2.
me at a restaurant waiter: here's ur cup :-) me: oh thank you waiter: *puts down cup* me: thank you waiter: *fills cup up with water* me: thank you waiter: i'll be back soon with your food me: thank you
3.
Therapist: Let’s talk about your treatment and self care plan Me: Face... mask Therapist: That’s not a legitimate form of- Me: ʞsɐɯ ǝɔɐℲ Therapist: We talked about this it’s a distraction that feeds off consumerism and the internalized value of appearance Me: ʄǟƈɛ ʍǟֆӄ :)
4.
My ex: Don’t you ever think about us? Me: https://t.co/ieifOWWGti
5.
It puts the lotion on its skin, after it puts on toner and serum, but before it puts on sunscreen—it also started double cleansing recently, which it thinks is going well.
6.
Boohoo have done me soo dirty
7.
amazon: we shipped your package! it should deliver by 8pm tomorrow! me, nose pressed against the door, fogging the glass as i breathe: 𝗽𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗱𝗴𝗲
8.
my sister had crazy hair day at school today and my mom was not playing games and really wanted her to win 😂
9.
It was at this moment that my parents decided they were sending me back to India
10.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over] Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok? Him: ya that's fine! *I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop* Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
11.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
12.
my students just asked if ive ever seen a dinosaur ... alive. everybody bout to get a F
13.
One time in highschool I got yelled at for missing a test to attend my grandpas funeral, was told I’d never get away w that shit in college. just asked one of my professors if I could miss an exam to go on vacation and she gave me her phone number and said take lots of pictures!!
14.
Nobody: Pugs: 👁 ∩ 👁
15.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed.......at a tampon.... So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
16.
ladies, if a guy... -remembers your birthday -knows what you enjoy -saves your pictures -harvests your data -keeps your passwords in plaintext this guy is not your man. this guy is mark zuckerberg.
17.
Want: cuddles Receives: struggles
18.
the beatles: googoo gaga......i live in the ocean....doodeedoodee......i am a walrus ppl in the '60s: holy ffuckin shIT..........jesuS CHRIST...............
19.
Take him on a date and make him read out loud. The revolution is here. https://t.co/eGJDN5viNx
20.
breakfast: coffee and a handful of blueberries lunch: 1 slice of grilled chicken with rice dinner: 17 Jack in the Box tacos, a pot of spaghetti, an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies, a pound of drywall, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐌𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐜𝐨
21.
lmaooo my roommate drunk as f*ck on the news ... “the heritage really jumped out”
22.
woman in this 7-eleven asked if they had “salad fixins” and the cashier told them they could buy cheetos and use them as croutons
23.
Doctors’ appointments feel like job interviews where you only get to talk about your weaknesses
24.
Cranberry juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol but it’s too shy.
25.
we stan* a** woke*** king**** *give too much credit **to a random man ***doing the ****absolute bare minimum
26.
some of you never cried at the kitchen table while doing math homework with your dad and honestly good for you
27.
when I say something and a baby repeats it https://t.co/xDK72IwA3o
28.
Me: Aah, nice white sheets and bedding, what could possibly go wrong? My period:
29.
Wow. She was going through it that day. https://t.co/4R6JU5K21i