1.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
2.
UPS: here’s ur box Me: I’m at work UPS: sorry we missed u here’s ur box again Me:....still at work UPS: sorry we missed u here we r at the same time on a weekday again Me:....WORK UPS: we left box at an access point that is not ur home Me: wut UPS: aaaand it’s been stolen
3.
You dumb dildos. Ratatouille is the name of the dish and the movie, NOT the rat. His name is Remy. God damn, y'all need to pay attention.. This is exactly why most of you can't keep a relationship.
4.
Does Jenny have a job? https://t.co/lk0FikrHjm
5.
i texted my mom telling her i didn’t know how to fold my burrito and she sent me this 🤧🤧 i don’t deserve her
6.
me: instagram search bar: your ex crush who won’t respond to u other ex painful ex trauma ghosted you ex best friend despair kendalljenner
7.
oh my god congratulations
8.
Nobody: Instagrammer: SO MANY of you guys have been asking...
9.
good morning to everyone but especially the woman in the crosswalk on my way to work who didn’t like that someone honked at her to hurry so she stopped and did a couple jumping jacks
10.
Please sign my petition to rename giving birth “going number 3”
11.
Just flew back into Dallas on Spirit Airlines. When it was my turn to fly the plane I was a little hesitant but I must say I got the hang of it very quickly!!!
12.
*tweets about wanting a boyfriend 85 times in one day* boy: hey would you maybe wanna get dinner someti- me: hey buddy? just chill the fuck out okay. knock it off
13.
me: men on dating apps: LOOKING FOR MY PARTNER IN CRIME. A DOWN TO EARTH GIRL. LETS SKIP THE SMALLTALK AND GO STRAIGHT TO A FIRST DATE. ALL BAR ONE. PLANNING MY NEXT TRIP TO SOUTH AMERICA. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET. NANDOS. SIX PHOTOS OF ME TAKEN FROM BELOW. ARCTIC MONKEYS.
14.
1. Set alarm 2. Lock phone 3. wait did I ACTUALLY set it 4. Double check...ok good 5. Lock phone 6. Wait did I put it for AM! 7. Double check...ok good 8. Wait it’s set for ON right?! Why do I do this every night
15.
my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
16.
30 ROCK: Meet Liz Lemon, the loser! She's 35 (😱) and single (😱!) and is the creator/showrunner of a successful network TV show and has a boss who never hits on her and is genuinely interested in helping her have a successful career/life! What a hilarious failure!
17.
The most underrated Tik Tok category is when couples who are divorcing or whatever make sentimental vids about it...like imagine you’ve tearfully asked ur husband for a divorce, dropped the kids off @ ur parents, & go online to see your husband posting this on an app for 12 y/o’s
18.
correct me if i'm wrong but i feel like nothing should cost more than 35 dollars?
19.
i think i’ve found the greatest YouTube comment ever written
20.
if you press the clit and the g-spot at the same time the vagina takes a screenshot
21.
this shit hit different when you just got done swimming https://t.co/sZ8mFkE86Q
22.
what is it with men and doing reverse catfishing?? selfies looking like they were taken on an 1870s tin type camera. atrocious angles. presenting like Lord Farquad on their Instagrams but then in person? stunners. it’s mad
23.
me: brain at 2 am: what if cannibals lived in the suburbs
24.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but cancel that free trial.
25.
Men writing women characters: She was beautiful but didn’t know it. She was 5’7 and 101 pounds. Her feet were size 3. Her hat size was Infant. She’d never thrown up, even once. Her periods lasted 45 minutes. Her top was see-through.
26.
Life’s only true pleasure is standing over a sheet cake with a fork in a silent kitchen
27.
Yeah I’m DTF Doing The best I can and Fucking it up anyway
28.
My bf was slow cooking ribs and I guess they were done in the middle of the night. So this man wakes me up at 3 AM and goes “here babe, I brought you a rib.” So we sat in bed and ate ribs. I’ve found my soulmate.