1.
i will power the world https://t.co/RVTe4czZNm
2.
Giants Strippers 🤝 Grinding men’s bones to make their bread
3.
I didn’t answer my brothers FaceTime call and this is what I received
4.
me: i hate clichés author: the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one me: *sobs* omg the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one
5.
isn’t this what meredith grey said to derek shepherd in greys anatomy
6.
In their late 20s? https://t.co/OSJqNUWTTa
7.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this...
8.
Spyro doesn’t like it when I laugh at his big belly
9.
The other night I saw this cow run to catch up with her friend (also a cow) who was waiting for her
10.
This is distressingly easy to misread
11.
Was being responsible and didn’t drive home after happy hour last night. Came back to pick up my car and it’s in a fucking farmers market.
12.
I’m at the kfc I’m at the sephora I’m at the combination kfc and sephora
13.
Arguing through text will have you standing in one spot for 40 minutes
14.
Told a boy I fancied him last night and he said ‘let’s just nip that in the bud’ patted my back and walked away
15.
(I am 6 months pregnant) Me after ordering my coffee: Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant. Me: I’m... not pregnant. Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry! And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
16.
A plane? Get here four hours early, let us X-ray you and bring birth certificate or we CANNOT let you board A train? Show up as we roll in bring whatever you want we’re not gonna check your ticket love you 😘
17.
most people: oh no, hacker stole millions of credit applications me: niiiiiice women are hackers too. get that representation!!!! ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵃʳʳᵉˢᵗ ᵐᵉ https://t.co/3nMOIOGhBv
18.
please remember that vampire unions are the ones who fought to give you a vampire weekend
19.
Grandmas on their porch still waving at y’all from 25 miles down the road
20.
This is what happens to your money when you don’t own property in capitalism https://t.co/cJtKc5WXt0
21.
My favorite part of The Lion King is @billyeichner and @Sethrogen cropping each other out of their picture with Beyoncé.