1.
God adding audacity when he made men
2.
i cannot believe I CANNOT BELIEVE I C A N N O T B E L I E V E that some of you out there spent $75 on a fucking candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina this goddamn candle IS SOLD OUT all of you need a time out you're all fired JAIL TIME TIME FOR JAIL
3.
How the mfs at the front desk be when you arrive at the ER dying and shit https://t.co/WO1uaQf2QH
4.
me seeing an actor like “im just gonna google them real quick” and turning into a stan account within the week
5.
first time completing a puzzle... this shit is easyyyy
6.
how does ibuprofen know where the pain is at?
7.
me saying hi back to men on the street so they don’t murder me https://t.co/WGrSUDKztp
8.
If you’ve been a babysitter between the West Village and Tribeca and met the awkward-art-school-16-22yr old-son-from-the-dad’s-first-marriage-you’re-not-in-charge-of who came home drunk on winter break and fell in love cause you were generally chill, you’ve met Timothee Chalamet
9.
If men are agreeing with you, you said something stupid
10.
I tried to make hearts and they turned out like ballsacks 😂😂😂😂😂
11.
Is your child texting about @olivegarden? Here’s a quick guide to find out: OG: Olive Garden LMAO: love me an olive LOL: lots of lasagna ROFL: ravioli or flavorful linguine BRB: breadsticks rock, bro WTF: where’s the fettuccine STFU: some tiramisu for us
12.
ur buying ice coffee w soya milk... your environmentally conscious.... i see u brought ur own metal straw... u rly care.... but you don't know that metal straws won't save the oceans... corporations r responsible for 70% of pollution... but its ok i can fix that.... i can fix YOU
13.
My dad ate my pizza rolls and this is the message I get ! 😂😂😂😂😂
14.
for $10 i will edit your ex out of your photo serious inquiries only
15.
my coworker called in (yet again) and said she had a nail on her tire that caused her to have a flat. i need everyone to stop what they’re doing and ZOOM IN TO THE NAIL IN THE PICTURE SHE SENT MY BOSS
16.
In college I fell out of my bunk bed and broke both of my legs and one arm. Years later on a date, I made a joke about being clumsy and the dude told me I couldn’t compare to this woman his EMT brother helped once ... who fell out of her bunk and broke all the bones. It was me. https://t.co/TQSEwXK4rw
17.
Every single week my dad makes the exact same recipe for beans that he’s been making my entire life and every week he texts me that it is the best batch he’s ever made and he freezes a container for when I come visit and i think that is just really important
18.
Caught demons instead of men in Vegas 😐