1. When your comebacks at work are hot:
BOSS: Your feminist agenda is starting to disrupt meetings ME: *tucks tampon behind ear like a pen* How
2. When you achieve salty-ness nirvana:
I want my eulogy to be a list of things that annoyed me.
3. When you literally slay the definition of QUEEN:
My granny has 12 kids 46 grandkids 81 great grandkids and 8 great great grandkids .. she just turned 90 and still l… https://t.co/LBjvSvnTw9
4. When you've got moves on the dance floor that nobody's ever seen before:
Yesterday at *~the club~* a dude backed his ass into me not realizing I was wearing a fanny pack. It visibly ruined his night, and made mine
5. When the catcallers try to bring you down:
A man on the street stopped me while I was walking home to tell me he thought I "looked really nice". I told him "I'm not" and walked away.
6. When you are your own BFF:
Me thinking about a joke I told last week
7. When you realize just how powerful you truly are:
Force Quit is a thrilling reminder that I am ultimate master over the machine.
8. When you show respect for technology so it does not destroy you:
just instinctively bowed in gratitude to a website that had my password saved, that's how bad at passwords I am
9. When you know exactly what you want from life...
my goal in life is to be as beautiful and unapproachable as possible
10. ...and you know that anything else is just extra:
Me w a boyfriend vs me by myself
11. When you've clearly got your priorities straight:
It's not even noon and I've already eaten an apple cider donut and quit the gym, things are lookin' up.
12. When you serve up shade on a platter with an extra side of sass:
TO EVERYONE IN SCHOOL WHO SAID I WASNT SHIT AND LABELLED ME WEIRD AND 'DIFFERENT' THIS ONES FOR U
13. When you're on track with your five-year plan and it conforms to no man's rules:
Good morning, it's been two years since I posted this Facebook status and it still rings true
14. When you discover functional fashion:
I wear black because it's the color of my soul. And also so I can wipe food on my pants.
Can Bridgette Bird keep her sh*t together too? Check out the series premiere of SMILF now. New episodes air every Sunday at 10/9c following Shameless — only on SHOWTIME®.
